How can you support the person who caused harm to take accountability?

Signs of immediate danger

There are a few signs of extreme danger.  You should check this list regularly, especially when something has changed, like if the person causing harm has been confronted, or the person being harmed has left the relationship or has a new partner.  The most dangerous times are when the person causing harm feels like they are losing control of the relationship.

Signs of extreme danger:

• Threats to kill or suicide
• Using weapons, threatening to use weapons, or talking about using weapons (like guns, knives, a car, poisons)
• Choking (strangulation or putting hands around a person’s neck)
• Using intimidation and fear (like threatening violence, punching holes in a wall, shouting in a person’s face, sharpening knives, cleaning a gun)
• Intense, violent possessiveness—like owning a person, controlling who they talk to, where they go, jealousy
• Other controlling behaviour to cause fear (like controlling what a person wears, who they can see, where they can go, controlling their money, keeping them away from friends or whānau)
• Forced sex or sexual violence
• Stalking or surveillance (including in person, by phone or social media, checking a person’s phone, emails or social media)
• The violence is getting worse or more often
• The person harmed feels scared or in danger (if they aren’t scared that doesn’t mean they aren’t in danger—sometimes people cope with extreme, ongoing stress by denying it, even to themselves)
• Others are worried that the person harmed is in danger.

Take these signs seriously.  If one or more of these are true, get help and act now. 

Think about the best way to get safer.  If you don’t already have good support, think about what you can do—there are organisations you can call anytime to help you with that and to help with safety (see Resources).

If you have good support, the fastest, safest path might be using that support with tools on this website (there are tools and information in How do you stay safe for the person harmed, person causing harm and allies).  You might feel safer with the help of an organisation—there are organisations you can call anytime for help (see Resources [link to Resources: helplines]).

If you are the person harmed, who can help you work out how to get safer (see Who can help?)?  If you don’t know who to turn to, there are numbers you can call anytime for help (see Resources).  See How do you stay safe for tools and information about safety.

If you are an ally, can you safely tell the person who is being hurt that you will support them if they need help?  Are there other people you can safely talk to about what you see happening (see Who can help?)?  Think very carefully before confronting the person causing harm, especially if you haven’t talked with the person they are hurting and don’t have a safety plan.  You may make things worse.  See How do you stay safe for tools and information about safety.

If you are the person causing harm, stop.  Get help (see Who can help?).  Call or text 1737 anytime to talk to a trained counsellor, or see Resources for organisations that can help.  Take responsibility for lowering the danger—get rid of any weapons, get yourself away from the situation, find people who can support you to be safer.  See How do you take accountability for tools and information about taking responsibility for the harm you are causing.

Staircase of change

Our vision of accountability:

• Believes that change is possible, even for those who do serious violence
• Focuses on responsibility not punishment
• Understands that communities as well as individuals are responsible for change
• Sees accountability as a process of change.

Process of change as a staircase

One way of understanding the process of change is as a staircase.

The image of a staircase tells us that:

• Change may come one step a time
• Each step is important
• We might aim for the top of the staircase, but we might not reach it
• For every situation, each step will mean different actions and changes
• We may not be able to see the next step until the step below is reached.

Step 1: Stop immediate violence

The first step to change is simple.  Stop violence.  For some interventions, stopping the immediate violence might be the only goal. 

It might mean stopping a specific act of violence from happening, or stopping it enough, so that you can talk about what the next step might be (See Stopping violence as the first step).

Sometimes the person doing harm won’t stop. You might have to use pressure, threats or force to make sure they do (See Tips to make this mahi easier for more about the use of force). This means things like asking someone to stay away or leave, explaining that there will be consequences if violence continues, or physically stopping someone from acting violently in that moment. You might need to act immediately.  You might be in a situation of serious harm, injury or even death.  You might be protecting children.  You might not be able to get the person doing harm to agree to stop.  There might not be time.

Sometimes stopping violence means getting out of harm’s way.  For some, getting away from the person doing harm may be the only way to stop violence, at least in the short term.

Step 2. Recognise the violence

For some people who have caused harm, admitting to violence is huge.  They might not want to admit what they did.  They might not even understand that they were violent. 

Recognising the violence is saying, “Yes, I did these things.”.

“Yes, I did hit you.”

“Yes, it’s true.  I didn’t let you go to work.”

“Yes, I called you names in front of the kids.”

“Yes, I stopped you seeing your friends.”

They might still make excuses for the harm, minimise its impact, or blame someone else.  They might admit the impact of what they did—how it made people feel, how it hurt others.  They might not care that it harmed other people.

But they accept the fact of their violence—they name it in a similar way to the person harmed.

Step 3. Recognise the effects, without excuses

Step 3 moves to recognising the effect of their violence without excuses.  This includes effects they didn’t intend.

The person doing harm that reaches Step 3 has thought about what they’ve done.  They’ve listened to other people’s experience of their violence and are starting to understand the effect of their attitudes and actions on others.

They’ve stopped making excuses and stopped letting you make excuses for them.  They can accept the violence and abuse as their fault and their responsibility.

They’ve stopped getting angry when confronted with what they’ve done.  They’ve stopped looking for sympathy and telling their side of the story.

They’re feeling sorry for what they’ve done.  They are starting to deal with regret, embarrassment and shame.  They have begun to accept these feelings without fighting against them, making excuses, being self-destructive or attacking other people.

They’re starting to understand that there are consequences for what they’ve done.  They may have lost trust, relationships and more.  They don’t blame others for losing these things, they know it is because of their attitudes and actions.

These are examples of someone starting to take accountability:

“Yes, I hit you.  I hit you with my fist and tried to hit you in a place where nobody would see the mark.  I kept saying and thinking it was your fault, but I now see that I had a choice.  It is my fault—not yours.

“I see that by hitting you, I caused fear.  I caused you to hate me, to not trust me—you might never trust me again.  I caused you physical pain, but I can now see how much I hurt you at your core.

“You had to hide your bruises so nobody would see them.  We pretended like nothing happened.  I wouldn’t let you bring it up, threatening to hit you again if you did.  Sometimes I didn’t use the words, but gave you a look so that you’d know you’d better watch it.”

“Yes, I called you names in front of the kids.  I knew it would hurt you and humiliate you.  Thinking back, that’s why I did it.  I felt angry and took it out on you.  I didn’t care if the kids were around.  Maybe I wanted them to think you were a bad mother and turn against you.

“I didn’t see how much this hurt my kids.  I didn’t care.  I can now see how our son acts like me—terrorising his sister and calling you a b****, like I did.  I can see how our daughter hates me.  I blamed it on her or you, or anybody but me.  I never wanted to admit that it was my fault.  I was proud that my son didn’t take s*** from you and stood by me.  But he’s scared of me, too.”

Step 4. Make repairs for the harm.

This step is the person doing harm trying to repair the harm.  Not just the quick and easy things, but things that the people hurt or the community ask for.  They might also come up with their own ideas to start putting right what they’ve done.

Repair might not make up for the harm done.  But they are real and symbolic attempts to make the lives of those who have been harmed better.

Repairs may be:

• Sincere apologies:
  • With specific details of the harm (Step 1 and 2)
  • Without excuses (Step 2)
  • With full acknowledgment of the effects on individuals and the community (Step 2)
  • With commitment to never repeat these harms (See Step 5)
  • Without trying to look good or for self-gain other than making repairs for harms done
• Public apologies that the person who was harmed and people in the intervention agree to:
  • In person to the person who was harmed or their representative, based on what the person harmed wants
  • In person to other people affected by the violence or their representatives
  • In person to a larger group they are accountable to—whānau or friends of the person harmed, their own whānau or friends, their organisation, a wider community
  • In other forms, like skype, written letter, letter posted on a website
  • Without trying to look good or for self-gain other than making repairs for harms done
• Services, like: fixing things that are broken, cooking, cleaning, making something useful, providing some work for the person harmed, the community or someone agreed on
• Financial repairs, like: money for the people harmed, money for damages, money to pay for something valued by the people harmed, returning money taken or spent carelessly, taking over credit card payments, mortgages or debt, money for medical care or counselling, money so the person harmed can enjoy themselves
• Committing to stop violence, and doing things to back that up.

Example of an accountability letter:

“I am letting L, her family and our friends know about my actions against her.  Although she asked me to write this, I agree that sharing this with you is my responsibility.  This is a step in being accountable for how much I hurt her and in doing so, hurt all of you as well.

“As you know, L and I met 8 years ago.  I loved her and respected her and respect her to this day.  But I acted in ways that were the opposite of loving and respectful.

“My abuse began with jealousy.  I was jealous when she looked at anyone else.  I was even jealous when she was with her friends.  I began to control her behaviour—making her feel uncomfortable when she went out without me.  I questioned what she did, who she talked to, how she felt.  I knew it was wrong, but I made excuses to myself—I was being loving, or I couldn’t lose her so I had to watch her all the time.

“When she wouldn’t answer the way I wanted or she went out anyway or did what she wanted, I began to lose my temper.  At first I yelled.  Then I began to throw things and hit things near her.  One time I hit her, leaving the mark of my hand on her face.  I begged her not to tell anyone and I promised never to do it again.  She stayed home from work for a couple of days—and I did stop for a while.

“But it didn’t stop there.  The next time I knew not to hit her where anyone would see the mark.  I started to hit her on her head or body where people wouldn’t see.  This happened about every 6 months at first.  But it started to get worse, and I would hit her or threaten her every couple of months.  I apologised every time and begged her to forgive me.  I promised to change and go to counselling.  But I never followed through.  I never found any help and hoped that she would forget.  I hoped I would just stop or things would change.  I told myself that I didn’t hit her that hard—that it was understandable because she kept doing things I asked her not to do.  I always made excuses for myself or blamed her.

“She tried to talk to me about it, but I wouldn’t talk about it.  I would either threaten her or walk out of the house or tell her that she was crazy.

“I didn’t think about how this affected her.  I only thought about how I felt—about how everything affected me.

“She finally threatened to leave me and this time I believed it.  I hit her and broke the things that were most important to her.  I got so I didn’t even apologise any more.  I would leave the house and come back later hoping everything would be forgotten.

“Some of you came to me then.  I lied.  I said it only happened a couple of times.  I said that she was crazy and exaggerating.  I didn’t want to face what I had done.  I felt ashamed and blamed her for telling people about our business.

“This past few months have been my biggest challenge.  But I have to thank you for stopping me.  I’m not sure what I would have done next. 

“You didn’t back down, and L, you didn’t back down even though I wanted you to.  I know that if you hadn’t stepped in—especially L’s sister and her husband, I would not have stopped.  I didn’t know what to do and just kept doing the same thing over and over.

“I am hoping that L and I can continue our relationship.  I know it might be too late.  I have accepted that I cannot control our relationship and can only control myself.  I am going to counselling every week and starting to discover what it means to be an adult and take responsibility for my behaviour.

“I am deeply sorry.  I apologise to all of you.  L, I apologise to you.  I know I hurt you so many times in so many ways. I hope that you will be able to trust people again and heal from everything I have done to you.  I know trust is something I must earn and that it might take a very long time.  I accept that responsibility and hope that I can honour that no matter what happens—even if you decide that you can’t stay in this relationship.  If that is the case, please know that I will not do anything to stop you or hurt you.  This is your choice.

“I apologise to your family.  I hurt your daughter.  I made your sister suffer.  I have caused so much pain and suffering as you worried about L’s safety and dignity.  You saw her change from a loving person with confidence to someone living in constant fear.  I know nothing can make up for that.

“I have talked with all of you and as you know, I promise to do the following:

“I will treat L with respect and kindness.

“I will never threaten L with harm.  I will not throw anything, hit anything.  I will not touch her in any harmful or unwanted way.  I will never insult her or call her names.  I will not tell her what she can or can’t do, who she can or can’t see.  I will communicate with her and discuss what she wants and needs.  I will listen and not interrupt.

“I will continue to seek help in order to change my attitudes and behaviours.  I have a better understanding now than ever in my life and for that, I am grateful.  I know that change takes time.  I will not stop getting help.  I have found a group that has a programme for people who are violent.  I started going and will continue to attend to the end.

“I will support L to get what she needs in order to recover and have agreed to pay for her counselling.

“I will talk about other things with L—how we share work around the house, decisions about what we do together, decisions about our finances.  These are things that I know we must share together.

“I believe I am a changed person and thank L and all of you for helping me stop my violence.  And I know I have a long way to go.”

Step 5. Change harmful attitudes and behaviours so that violence is not repeated

Step 5 moves beyond the specific harms to the causes for violence.  The person doing harm must be responsible not only for past harms but for future behaviour, to live free from violence.

Changing harmful attitudes and behaviours involves a deep look at oneself and the types of attitudes and behaviours that are related to violence.  This could include:

• Moving from feeling superior to others, to feeling more equal and humble
• Moving from expecting to get what they want, to expecting some give and take
• Dealing with insecurity and low self-worth
• Getting help for problems with alcohol and drugs
• Getting help for problems of gambling or careless spending
• Getting help for child sexual abuse or physical abuse and their relationship to violence now
• Letting go of controlling behaviours, being open to what others want
• Seeing other people as partners and companions, not objects.

Step 6. Create a healthier community

Steps 1–5 move towards the person who caused harm becoming a healthy part of a community.  At some point, efforts to stay accountable may move towards confidence in being a healthy and respectful partner, family member, friend, co-worker, neighbour and community member.

Someone who has taken accountability and changed might be able to help someone else causing harm.  It could help to have support from someone who has been through the same thing.

As a healthy member of their community, the person who caused harm might help change others’ ideas about taking accountability from shame to honour and courage.

Your staircase of change: What does it look like?

This tool can be used for anyone to think about what a staircase of change would look like in their situation.  What would show that someone is making progress with accountability?

The person who has been harmed and allies can use this to figure out what they can ask the person doing harm (or the community) to do.  Remember that Step 1 might be as far as you get in an intervention. 

You might set goals like naming the harms and recognising the attitudes and actions that were harmful (Step 2).

You might expect the person doing harm to admit all of the effects of their harm without making any excuses (step 3).

You might expect the person doing harm to help repair the harm by offering resources or service (step 4).

Your measurable goals for accountability might stop at Step 4.  You might be able to tell when someone has reached steps 5 and 6, but explaining what it would look like is harder.

Step 1: Stop immediate violence

What specific harmful, abusive or violent actions need to stop? (See Basics about violence and What is going on)

Are there bottom-lines?

Are there priorities?

Are there some forms of harm, abuse or violence that are less important, or that could even be let go of?  Or come back to later?  (Only the person harmed will know what is important.  Something that looks small to an outsider might mean something big)

Do these harms or violence need to stop completely, how can people know they have stopped?

Step 2: Recognise the violence

What specific harmful, abusive or violent actions does the person doing harm need to name and recognise?

Are there bottom-lines?

Are there priorities?

Are there some forms of harm, abuse or violence that are less important to name, or that could be let go of?  Or come back to later?

Step 3: Recognise the effects of violence without excuses

What are the effects of the violence? (See Basics about violence [link to section])

Who has been hurt or affected by the violence?

What were the immediate effects, like injuries, fear, days off work, events they couldn’t go to?

What are the long-term effects, like not trusting anyone, nightmares, flashbacks, loss of self-confidence, lost housing, lost job, lost relationships with children and friends, jail?

Step 4: Make repairs for the harm

What can be done to repair the harm? (knowing that there might be nothing that can totally repair it)  Financial repair?  Services?  Apologies?  Public apologies or other responses?

To who?

For how long?

Step 5: Change harmful attitudes and behaviours so violence isn’t repeated

What underlying attitudes and behaviours helped cause the violence?

What changes in underlying attitude or behaviour are needed?

Step 6: (For the person causing harm) Create a healthier community

How can you support a healthier, less violent community?

What violence in the community have you known about, but didn’t do anything about?

What was it about the social group or community that helped you to do something?

What got in the way of you doing something?

Who are other people in your community that a staircase of their own might help?  How can you support them?

Your staircase to change

Use your own words to describe what your steps to change or accountability look like.

Staircase to change

Level of participation for people who were harmed Chart

If you are the person harmed, and taking accountability is part of your intervention, you can choose whether or not you want to be involved in that part (and you can change your mind too).

Taking accountability and the person doing harm

This part of an intervention usually involves working with the person doing harm.  Real accountability won’t usually come from punishment or revenge, but from care, connection and support for the person doing harm (that doesn’t have to come from you).  It helps if they aren’t just pushed into it, but pulled as well.

The Staircase of change describes accountability as a series of steps.  It aims to show that change is good not only for you and the community, but for the person doing harm as well.  They can have better and more meaningful relationships, live better lives, create respect and healthiness rather than abuse and harm.

How will you participate?

This sort of intervention works best with you involved—how you’re involved will depend on your situation and what you want (for help thinking about how you’ll be involved, see What support do I need, especially Participation in an intervention of the person who was harmed. Chart). 

If your intervention includes working with the person doing harm on accountability, think about how you want to be involved in that part.  There might be danger, manipulation and the same sort of violence and abuse you’ve had before.  You might want to be less involved for this part, or not involved at all.

Your involvement might be different at different times.  For example, you might want to name the violence and its effects, and nothing else.  Or you might want to guide setting the goals about repairs, but then have other people make those goals happen.

Think about each step in the Staircase of change, and how you want to participate:

Think about:

1. Physical presence. Do you want to be there in person at any stage of working with the person doing harm? Would you get anything out of being there in person?  What is important for your safety (physical, emotional and other)? 
2. Leadership. How much do you want to be leading things? How much do you want to work with your allies to set the terms for accountability?  How much do you expect the person doing harm to be part of setting the terms?
3. Working with the person doing harm. We hope the person doing harm can work towards accountability. Your process should expect resistance, withstand their dodging and delaying and outlast them to reduce these tactics over time.  Even if an intervention begins with pressure or force, there might still be room for care and connection with the person doing harm.  This may lead to steps where they are a participant, not a target.  Do you want to be part of this?
4. Sharing information. Sharing information is especially important if you are less involved. What kind of information and communication do you expect and need? 

Level of participation by the person harmed in the process of taking accountability

Self-reflection and guiding questions for people who were harmed (and allies)

If you are the person who was harmed, the part of the intervention about taking accountability is often hard.  Because it means working with the person doing harm, there is a high chance of manipulation, and the sorts of abuse and violence you’ve had before.

If you don’t want to, or you don’t feel ready or supported enough for this, think about leaving it out of your intervention right now.  Making that decision can be a step towards feeling like you are getting back power and control in your life.

The process of taking accountability can lead to deep change.  It can be long and hard, with the person doing harm resisting.

Your group should expect this.  The group should try to withstand the dodging and delaying and outlast resistance to reduce it over time, and keep working on accountability.  The group should expect resistance in ways that are dangerous or threatening to you, your dependents and others in the intervention.

You can also get something out of this.  You can set your goals, find your way towards them, and there are tools to bring in allies to help.  If the person who hurt you taking accountability is something you want, this approach asks you to think about being part of working with them.    

This tool has questions for you and your allies to prepare you for some participation in the process of taking accountability.

Your special role as the person harmed

Your goals may depend on your relationship with the person causing harm.  For example, if they are someone you are with as a partner, do you want to stay together, or not?  If they are someone you are separated from, do you want to stay separated?  Are they someone you still need to share parenting or community with? (See What do you want for more support around these questions).

You might be thinking about a high level of involvement in the intervention, you probably know better than anyone what happened—the violence, the harm caused and what needs to be done.  Others may have some understanding but might not know all the details that will help when they meet with the person doing harm. 

This is a hard position, and one you might not choose to take.  Working with allies can lighten the burden and help you come up with better ideas and strategies than you would alone. This tool can help with details on what to expect from an accountability process and how to prepare.

You will still need to weigh the costs and benefits of your involvement, even while you don’t know what the outcome will be. 

Overall questions

• What are your goals? What do you want?
• Are any steps in accountability or the Staircase of change linked to your goals?
• What could bring about change in the person doing harm?
• What do they care about? Including other people, or their reputation. 
• Have you seen their potential for change?
  • If you have, could it be part of a cycle that returns to violence?
  • Are these moments of change ways to get what they want, like getting you to come back, staying in control, getting sympathy, looking good?
• Even if the things they care about are self-centred, could they help you get what you want?
• If so, how could you use them to reach your goals?
• Is there anything the person doing harm could say or do that might risk your credibility and support?
  • Is there information that you have not shared with others that the person doing harm could share?
  • What can the person doing harm accuse you of? Can you handle that now?
• Is there anything that someone else, including allies or potential allies, could say or do that might put your credibility and support at risk?
• What could be the worst result of this request for accountability?
• How can you protect yourself from the worst results? Can you live with the worst results?
• Do you want to go ahead?

Step 1: Stop immediate violence

Step 1 might be the only goal of your intervention.  Stopping violence can be hard by itself.  It might be the best you can hope for.  Or the violence might be long over and this step isn’t relevant. 

It might take some pressure, threats or force to stop the violence.  This might include demanding that the person stop, yelling at them to stop, someone physically stopping them, threatening to leave if the violence doesn’t stop, telling others about the violence, threats of pay-back, threats of unknown serious consequence or to call the police.

Stopping violence with force might look like: taking away weapons, locking the person out of the house, banning them from being near children they’ve harmed, suspending them from work, or grabbing someone who is beating their partner. 

Stopping violence may be simple or complicated.  It can be the highest level of risk.  The person might never have been challenged before.  They might be popular among your friends, including the people you might want in an intervention.

An intervention that stops the immediate violence is a success.   

Questions:

• What specific forms of their violence do you want to respond to, stop or prevent?
• Do you want to respond to it, stop it or prevent it? What makes most sense?
• How can that happen?
• Can it happen with participation and agreement from the person doing harm?
• What kinds of pressure or force might be needed?
• Is the pressure or force actually punishment or pay-back? If pressure or force is necessary, can you do it in ways that aren’t punishing or pay-back? 
• What would your role need to be for this to happen?
• Do you want to do that? What are the benefits?  What are the drawbacks?
• What are the dangers to you if you are there? How will you stay safe? (See How do we stay safe)
• What are your goals and bottom-lines in stopping the violence? (See What do we want)
• Could you see getting to Step 1, and only Step 1, as success?
• How will you feel if you can’t reach Step 1?
• Will there be consequences for the person doing harm if they don’t stop their immediate violence?
• What will those consequences be? Would you tell them the consequences?  Who and how would you tell them safely and effectively?  Would you actually carry out those consequences?  What are possible effects if you carry them out?  What are possible effects if you don’t?
• Are there other concerns if Step 1 isn’t reached? Think of safety, increases in their violence or ability to carry out violence, other possible results?  How can you and others be safe? (See How do you stay safe).

Step 2: Recognise the violence

The person doing harm (or community) needs to recognise and admit that they are responsible for specific violence.

Questions:

• What violence do you want the person doing harm to take responsibility for?
• What words do you use to describe this?
• What words do you expect the person doing harm to use to describe this? Do they need to be the same as yours?
• How important is it to you that the person doing harm can think about this on their own (or with an ally)? Is it okay if they accept your version of the harm and your words?
• What is your bottom-line on what they need to name?
• Could you see getting to Step 1 and Step 2 as success if you got no further?
• How will you feel if you can’t reach Step 2?
• What could result from failing to reach Step 2?
• Would there be consequences for the person doing harm if they don’t reach Step 2?
• What will those consequences be? Would you tell them the consequences?  Who and how would you tell them safely and effectively?  Would you actually carry out those consequences?  What are possible effects if you carry them out?  What are possible effects if you don’t?
• Are there other concerns if Step 2 isn’t reached? Think of safety, increases in their violence or ability to carry out violence, other possible results?  How can you and others be safe? (See How do you stay safe).

Step 3: Recognise the consequences of violence without excuses

This is a much higher level of responsibility.  The person knows all the people and groups their violence has affected and how it has affected them.

Questions:

• Who has experienced harm from violence caused by the person doing harm?
• What are the harms? Short-term and long-term?  What are the effects of the harm?
• What words do you and others who were harmed use to describe this?
• What words do you expect the person doing harm to use to describe this?
• Do they need to be the same as the words you and others use?
• What kinds of excuses has the person doing harm used? What do they need to stop using?
• What is the bottom-line on what they need to name as consequences of their violence?
• Could you see getting to Steps 1, 2 and 3 as success if you got no further?
• How will you feel if you can’t reach Step 3?
• What could result from failing to reach Step 3?
• Would there be consequences for the person doing harm if they don’t reach Step 3?
• What will those consequences be? Would you tell them the consequences?  Who and how would you tell them safely and effectively?  Would you actually carry out those consequences?  What are possible effects if you carry them out?  What are possible effects if you don’t?
• Are there other concerns if Step 3 isn’t reached? Think of safety, increases in their violence or ability to carry out violence, other possible results?  How can you and others be safe? (See How do you stay safe).

Step 4: Make repairs for the harm

Making repairs is offering money, services and other things that contribute to repairing the harm.  It isn’t just the things that can be done cheaply and quickly, repairs are sincere and take effort.  See the Staircase of harm for examples of repairs.

Repairs may not make up for the harm done. But they are real and symbolic attempts to improve the lives of those who have been harmed.

Questions:

• Think about the harms that you, others and the community have experienced. What could the person doing harm do towards repairing that harm? (money, services, apologies)
• Look at the list of repairs in the Staircase of harm. Do any fit your situation?  What could be offered?
• How important is it to you that the person doing harm come up with the repairs? Do you want them to respond to your request for specific repairs?  Do you want to respond to their offer of specific repairs?  Do you want a process where you make a request and they make an offer and you then try to agree together?
• Are any parts of the repairs to be public? For example, would one of the repairs be a public statement or apology?  If so, what would be important for you to make public?  To who?
• You can’t force someone to be sincere. Would a response that does everything you ask but isn’t sincere be okay?
• What is the least repair that would feel like success to you? Be specific—how much and for how long?
• What is your bottom-line on what the person doing harm offers in repairs?
• How will you feel if you can’t get to Step 4?
• What could result from failing to reach Step 4?
• Would there be consequences for the person doing harm if they don’t reach Step 4?
• What will those consequences be? Would you tell them the consequences?  Who and how would you tell them safely and effectively?  Would you actually carry out those consequences?  What are possible effects if you carry them out?  What are possible effects if you don’t?
• Are there other concerns if Step 4 isn’t reached? Think of safety, increases in their violence or ability to carry out violence, other possible results?  How can you and others be safe? (See How do you stay safe).

Steps 5 and 6 are more abstract, life-long processes that are hard to make specific requests for.  If you don’t know the person doing harm well and don’t plan to stay connected with them, think about stopping at Step 4.

Step 5: Change harmful attitudes and behaviours so that violence isn’t repeated

The person needs motivation, long-term commitment and support for Steps 5 and 6. If you are in a close relationship with the person doing harm, Step 5 may be important to you. 

Questions:

• What attitudes and behaviours do you want changed? (These may be the ones you listed in Step 1)
• What would new, positive attitudes and behaviours be?
• How can you say this so they understand what you’re asking for? Try to ask for specific behaviours that show what you want
• How will you know if they get to Step 5?
• How will you feel if the person doing harm doesn’t reach Step 5?
• Would there be consequences for the person doing harm if they don’t reach Step 5?
• What will those consequences be? Would you tell them the consequences?  Who and how would you tell them safely and effectively?  Would you actually carry out those consequences?  What are possible effects if you carry them out?  What are possible effects if you don’t?
• Are there other concerns if Step 5 is not reached? Think of safety, increases in their violence or ability to carry out violence, other possible results?  How can you and others be safe? (See How do you stay safe).

Step 6: Become a healthy member of the community

At some point, efforts to stay accountable may shift to being a healthy and respectful partner, family member, friend, co-worker, neighbour and community member.

Someone who has been able to take accountability may be able to support someone else causing harm.

It is probably unrealistic to ask for this level of accountability, but it might become a personal goal for the person.  It may be a goal that every member of a community sets for themselves.

Questions:

• How can Step 6 be a healthy goal for everyone in the intervention—not only the person doing harm, but the person harmed, allies, and other community members?
• What does that mean? What does it look like?
• What can you do now towards this goal?
• How can the things you’ve learned and achieved in Steps 1 to 5 be used to help others with accountability?
• Can you share your story of success with others as an example?

Self-reflection and practice for allies, Practice Questions

Being an ally supporting the process of taking accountability can be challenging.  These are self-reflection tools that might help allies.

Self-reflection 1: How can I deal with my discomfort with conflict?

Sometimes we don’t want to get involved.  We know that harm is being done, but out of discomfort, lack of confidence or wanting to avoid conflict, we say things to ourselves like:

• Who am I to judge?
• We haven’t heard the other side
• It’s not that big a deal
• I don’t know all the details, so I can’t say anything
• They’ll work it out in their own time
• They won’t be able to handle the confrontation, I don’t think they’re ready, I think they need a lot of support before they’ll be ready
• I already talked with the person doing harm, I don’t see how bringing it up again will make a difference
• Maybe this isn’t a good time
• It was a bad day, it’s not a pattern, it’s not my place to say anything
• I’m too busy and tired to deal with this, people need to sort their own lives out.

If you notice these thoughts, ask yourself:

• Am I thinking these thoughts to avoid conflict?
  If so, think about your way of dealing with conflict and see if you can make a change.  Can you ask others for help so it isn’t just you?
• Am I stressed out and need to step back and take a rest?
  If so, take a moment to reflect, take a break, or find support to care for yourself.  If you think you need more than a short break, let the group know.
• Do I still have questions about what happened that are holding me back?
  If so, let the group know and talk to others in the group to see if you can get the answers.  Others might have questions too, or you might have to get used to not knowing the whole story.
• Am I feeling so unsure that I cannot play my role in a good way?
  If so, let the group know and figure out a better role.
• Am I thinking this way because someone treated me like this too, and no-one did anything to help?
  If so, you might want to take some time to think about what you’re feeling, and whether you want to do something about it.

Self-reflection 2: How can I separate care from making excuses?

Anger, disgust, sadness and fear are normal reactions to violence and can motivate us to get involved.  But support for accountability requires care, understanding and willingness to connect with the person doing harm.

There is a fine line between care and understanding on one side, and making excuses for violence on the other.  Supporting the person doing harm might mean listening to their pain, fear and maybe even their blame of others, and trying to see their side of the story, while at the same time being clear that what they did wasn’t okay.

It can be hard to see challenges to violence as caring.  These questions can help:

• What positive connection do we have?
• How is my support in the process of taking accountability a gift to the person doing harm, even if it is hard?
• How is this work a gift to me, even if it is hard?
• What is healthy and strong about the person doing harm?
• What values show they can change?

Practice: What do I say to the person doing harm?

You can practise saying things to someone else so you’ll remember what to say when you’re with person causing harm.

Face another team member.  While looking at each other, have one person read each phrase from the list, and the other repeat it.  Use a normal speaking voice.  You’re not angry, bored or threatened.  Come up with your own phrases to help.

• I care about you
• I’m not rejecting you
• I want you to have good relationships in your life
• I want to understand how you’re feeling
• I want to support you to change your behaviour
• I want to support you to try new things that might work better
• I want to understand what this is like for you
• How are you doing?
• I think you’re blaming the process right now so that you don’t have to talk about what’s hard. Is it possible that’s true?
• I don’t think this kind of behaviour is ever acceptable. How could you express what is important to you in a non-violent way? (or non-controlling, non-abusive, etc)
• I know it can be hard to say what’s really going on for you
• Please lower your voice
• Do you need to take a break?
• I’m sorry this is so hard
• I’m sure things can get better even though they’re hard now
• Let’s slow down
• What might that be like for the other person?
• Why do you want to make a different choice next time?
• What are you scared of losing?
• I hear you focusing on the other person and their faults again
• What are you responsible for in this situation?
• How do you want me to share what I think with you?
• I need a break
• What is one thing you can do this week that feels like a move in a good direction?
• Let’s hang out again, let’s talk again.

If there are conversations you’re worried about, like how to bring up what you know about what they’re doing, talk to others in your group about it.  Brainstorm easy, helpful things you can say.  Make sure that you understand what is wrong with their behaviour, especially if it isn’t physically violent. 

Remember that you might not be able to convince them that they’re doing anything wrong, but you can be clear that you see what’s happening, and it isn’t okay with you.

Breaking through defensiveness. Guiding questions for the person doing harm

If you are the person being asked to take accountability, the process can be hard.  You are probably facing people who feel angry.  You may feel alone in a sea of accusation.

It’s easy to feel defensive, to try to protect yourself by thinking things like:

• It’s none of their business
• They weren’t there, they have no idea what they’re talking about
• Who are they to judge?
• What about my side of the story? I think I’m the victim
• I can’t handle being blamed, I’m going to do whatever I can to get out of this
• This is all someone else’s fault!

You might attack people with words or actions.  You might feel furious when you find out that people are talking about you, or that your friends or loved ones are sharing things you think should be private.  You might want to withdraw, build your own camp of supporters, or use violence to get back at them.

This may be scary and new.  You don’t know what’s going to happen next.  Fear, confusion, anger and defensiveness are understandable.

It takes courage to slow down and realise you aren’t going to die or be destroyed.

These questions are to help you think through this.  They are meant to break through your defensiveness so that you can face this challenge and learn from it. 

This is a good time to get together with someone who supports you, but doesn’t agree with or excuse your violence.  Find someone who can support you and challenge you at the same time (see Who can help for help finding good support).

Ask yourself:

1. When I’m feeling angry or defensive, I tell myself this story about why people are talking to me or confronting me about violence…
2. Is there a more useful story I can tell myself (about why they are talking to me)?
3. Can I imagine myself as someone who can listen to what is being said without getting defensive? What is that person like?  When are times that I have been like this?
4. Can I imagine what it’s like to be treated the way I treated the person harmed? When I imagine what it’s like to be on the other end of my harmful behaviours and actions, I see…
5. Do I want to change? Do I want to have relationships that are more equal and less abusive?
6. What can I share with the people confronting me so that they know me better and I can feel connected to them instead of rejected?
   • Without blaming anyone else, can I share what is hard for me about this?
   • Without trying to control what people do, can I share what I am scared will happen? Can I share what I hope will happen?
   • Without denying the harm I’ve caused, can I share something I have done well that shows I am more than my abusive behaviour and I can do better?

What kind of help do I want?  Who can help me be the person I want to be?  Who might make it harder for me to change?

Preparing for direct communication. Affirmations and guided questions for the person doing harm

If you are the person causing harm, this tool can help you prepare for meeting with the person you harmed, their representatives or community allies.

It includes affirmations to help settle you, and guiding questions to help you prepare.

There are 4 steps that can be repeated over time and done separately depending upon what discussions are coming up.  You can add or use your own words to make this more meaningful for you.

Step 1: I believe

I will remind myself of the following messages.  Thinking about them can bring me some calm and peace going into a challenging situation:

• I am a good person
• Like everyone, I am imperfect. I have hurt someone.  I am strong enough to admit it and be better
• I am stronger when I acknowledge both my strengths and my weaknesses
• I can listen to how I affect people without interrupting, even when I don’t agree
• I have the strength to open my mind to another person’s way of thinking
• My behaviour has harmed people, but I am more than that. It only has power over me if I don’t own it
• Even when people are upset with me, I know that others see some of my strengths and good intentions
• I am strong enough to understand others even if they are different from me
• I trust that I will be strong enough to let you tell your story and understand that your story is real to you
• I trust that I will be strong enough to stay calm even if my story is not accepted or is questioned.

Which three of these statements mean the most to you?  Do they help you feel more calm and open-minded?  Are there other words that work better for you?

Step 2: I can listen

• I can listen to try to understand: if I notice myself thinking about what is wrong with what I am hearing, or wanting to defend myself or to attack, I will remind myself to stop and listen
• Even if I have heard all of the things said before, I will listen with openness and see if I hear anything different
• I will relax and see what happens if I add what is said to my understanding of what happened. It will not erase what I think or believe.  It will add to it.
• After I listen, I can take time to think about what was said. I can ask for support to do this.  I can use these questions to help me:
• How has hearing their experience of me changed my story or feeling about what happened?
• From what I have heard, what is it that has affected them the most?
• What 1-2 things are most important to them?
• What struck me as most ‘real’ in what they said?

Step 3. Make true attempts at repair

• I am strong enough to admit the harm I have caused
• I am wise enough to see the effect of my harm and understand who it hurt, even if I didn’t mean it to
• I am honourable enough to apologise for everything I have done without making excuses
• I can offer my apology as a gift, expecting nothing in return
• I understand that repairs will take effort. Apologies are important and are the first step in making repairs
• I will take time and get help from my allies if I need it to think of things I can offer for repairs
• I understand that my idea of repairs and the requests from __________ may be different. We will be able to find a solution
• I understand that nothing I do can fully make up for the harm. Things were taken away that cannot be given back
• Making repairs is an important step towards healthy change.

When being honest with yourself, what are three things you can admit about your role in this situation?

Step 4: Change my attitudes and behaviours over time

• I commit to deep changes in my attitudes and behaviours so that I will not repeat my harmful behaviours
• I will stay connected to people, things, places and activities that support these changes, including:
  • People:
  • Things:
  • Places:
  • Activities:
  • Other:
• I commit to thinking about what attitudes I need to question and change based on what I heard from 
• I commit to thinking about behaviours and actions I need to question and change based on what I heard from
• If I am finding it difficult to change or have set-backs, I will do the following things:
• If I commit harm again, I will do the following things:
• If I commit harm again, I expect the following consequences:

What are 2-3 things you do (now or in the past) during stress or conflict that __________ has found challenging (or that are challenging to the situation overall)?

What is one strategy for handling this in the future that you can do?

If you are staying connected to each other, ask yourself this question:

What are two things I’d like us to commit to as bottom-lines for how we behave with each other during future situations of stress and conflict?

1. Accountability is a process.  You may need several strategies along the way

We present accountability as a staircase.  It is hard to take responsibility in the middle of violence.  The first step is stopping violence, or stopping it enough that they can take the next step. 

Supporting accountability means expecting resistance.  Try to withstand the dodging and delaying, and outlast it to reduce those tactics over time. 

Strategies may include:

1. Showing connection and care
2. Gathering people and power to increase leverage, and caring connection and support
3. Using pressure, threats or even force if there are no other ways to stop violence. This doesn’t mean using violence.  It means actions like asking them to stay away or leave, telling them that there will be consequences if violence continues, or physically restraining them from acting out violently.
   
   

Whatever the strategy or level of resistance, create options and allow for the chance that the person may become a participant in the intervention, not just a target.

Sometimes violence has to be stopped before any other action can take place.  Sometimes it must be stopped immediately to prevent harm, injury or death.  At those times, taking accountability may begin with force.  This is self-defence.

Using force for punishment, vengeance, getting even or showing them know how it feels is not self-defence.  It is violence.  Punishment is not consistent with the values of this toolkit.  Causing more harm will not end violence.

2. The type of relationship is important

What kind of violent situation are they in?

Is the person causing harm and the person they are hurting in a close relationship?  Do they want to stay close?  Do they have to share community or be in continued contact?  Do they even know each other?  What role has their community played in the violence?

3. Make sure that people stay connected with the person doing harm

People are often uncomfortable working with the person doing harm, and they can get left out of the loop.  Your group might forget to tell them what’s going on, you might want to communicate with them in the least personal ways, like email or text.  The person doing harm may build up anxiety, making accountability harder, especially if no communication is made or it is vague and impersonal.

Keep connected.  Choose someone whose role is to keep them in touch, let them know what is happening, and that stopping violence and supporting their long-term change is important.

4. Keep an eye on safety

If your group is working with the person doing harm, then safety may be a major concern.  They might react violently to a process of accountability, or to any confrontation about their violence.  It could happen in ways you don’t see.  For example, they could try to turn people against the person harmed, attack the reputations of people working on the intervention, or get their own supporters to do some kind of damage.  This is common.

In some cases, safety won’t be such an issue.  In others, even if the person seems to be co-operating or hasn’t been violent in the past, they may still be capable of significant harm.

It is easy to worry so much about safety that you don’t act.  It is also easy to forget about safety and act carelessly, putting yourself and the person who was hurt in danger.

Safety might also be important for the person who caused harm.  They may be targeted for punishment or revenge.

5. Communities are also responsible for violence

Violence is a community problem not an individual problem.  Communities have the responsibility to respond to, end and prevent violence.  They have the responsibility and power to change violence.

Communities also play a role in allowing violence to happen.  It is important to have a process of accountability for your community to recognise the ways you have caused or tolerated violence, to recognise the effects, repair the harm, and change community attitudes and actions.  There are many changes communities need to make to prevent violence.

6. Focus on accountability for violence, not everything you don’t like or see as a problem

Your intervention is to stop violence, not control people’s lives and relationships.  There may be lots you don’t like about the person doing harm or people’s responses in the situation.  Many behaviours may be frustrating or unhelpful.

If you find yourself listing things you don’t approve of or can’t stand or want to look different, find a way to step back from being self-righteous or controlling.  Remember humility, and refocus on your goals.

7. Seek out the middle ground

Don’t expect too much or too little from the person causing harm.  People usually have either unrealistically high demands for accountability, or very low expectations and accept even the smallest actions as enough.  Accountability is hard.  It takes time and encouragement to keep trying—if your expectations are low, that’s all they will do.  At the same time, they probably won’t be ready at the start to do everything you hope for either.

8. Think about accountability goals for yourself

Not all of your goals should be about how you want other people to respond to you and your requests.  Don’t forget to think about what you can do to make accountability and change possible.  Your own efforts are important.

9. Bigger accountability goals aren’t usually better

If your goals for accountability are small, it isn’t because you are weak or not allowing room for transformation.  You may be matching your actions to the situation.  You can take thoughtful risks that allow for the possibility of lasting change.  Small change that actually happens is transformational! 

Setting fantasy goals that you won’t achieve risks losing your momentum, sense of accomplishment and hope.  If you set a small goal and achieve it, you feel successful.  You can set another goal, and another after that.

10. Figuring out who has been harmed and who is causing harm can be complicated

Sometimes what’s happening is clear.  It is obvious who the main person using violence is, and who is being hurt.  Even then, many people will choose to deny the violence or blame the person they are hurting, and some people will support them in that (see Basics about violence). 

Sometimes what’s happening is confusing.  Each person tells their story to their friends and community and you end up with two sides claiming that they are the victim of the other person’s wrongdoing, and that the other person needs “to be held accountable.”  This is common.

Your group may be split.  Some people think there is a pattern of violence with one person harmed and the other doing harm.  Others think that both people are equally responsible for the violent situation.

If this is where you are, these questions can help (also see Basics about violence)

• Who is more afraid?
• Who starts the violence?
• Who ends up getting hurt?
• Who is changing to meet the other’s moods?
• Who is more vulnerable?
• Is one person using violence for power and control (abusive violence)? Is one person using violence to get safety or integrity in a violent situation (self-defence)?
• Who always has to win?

You might realise that the violence is used by one person against the other.  Or that the situation really is a pattern of both people using intimidation, control, manipulation or violence against each other (this is really uncommon).  Sometimes the situation will be too hard to figure out.  What will you do if both people are using violence against each other? 

11. Imperfect behaviour by the person who was harmed does NOT excuse violence

Even though it’s possible that both people are using violence to control each other, it is not common.  In relationships with violence and abuse, there is usually a pattern where one person does this more than the other—one person starts abusive behaviour more, one person has to win or be right, the other person feels more afraid.

It is common for the person harmed to also act aggressively, seem manipulative or not act like a “perfect victim.”  People who are harmed aren’t the pure, innocent victims you see on TV.  They have still been hurt, and they deserve support and interventions that ask the person harming them to take accountability.  (See Basics about violence)

12. Direct communication is often a good place to start

People can be insensitive, make mistakes, and be unaware of the effect of behaviour on others.  Sometimes an intervention is needed, other times the best place to start is direct communication—think about what was hurtful and speak directly to the person who caused harm.  Sometimes, safety isn’t the problem as much as fear of conflict and discomfort. 

This may be an intervention on a small scale.  Maybe the person hurt wants help to think about safety, to check that this is a good idea, and to think about what they want to say.  They could take someone for support.  They can ask the person who hurt them to listen without excuses, interruptions or arguments while they talk about the harm and how they felt.  They can ask the other person to think about what was said and get together later to talk about it.  That person might want support to understand the problem and what to do next.

The tools in How do you stay safe can help you figure out if direct communication is safe enough, and if there are ways you can be safer. 

13. People doing harm aren’t all the same

People can use surprisingly similar tactics to hurt, control or manipulate others, but people who use violence are not all the same.  The way they think and feel about their violence affects how open they will be to accountability and change.

For example:

• “My friends and I think my violence is normal. I have no problem with my violence, I have a problem with someone who challenges it.”
• “I think my violence is normal. Maybe others don’t, but I don’t care what they think.”
• “I am not strong enough to admit or handle shame without hurting someone.”
• “I blame my violence on other people. I feel embarrassed and know that my violence isn’t okay, but I’ll never admit it to anyone, even if sometimes I wish I could.”
• “I mostly blame my violence on other people, but I have at rare times admitted embarrassment or shame about it. Even though I blame others, I sometimes wonder if it’s my fault, but I would never admit this to others.”
• “I usually blame my violence on other people. Sometimes I can see that it’s my fault and even admit it.  But I hate feeling like it’s my fault or being blamed, so sooner or later, I blame other people again.  I only change for a short while and, over time, never really change.”
• “I believe that violence isn’t good. I take some responsibility for my violent actions but am quick to get defensive.  I want to change but the thought of what it might take to change makes me uncomfortable.”
• “I don’t want to hurt others, and I feel shame about what is happening. I need some help, but I don’t know how to get it, or I don’t believe anyone knows how to help me.”
• “I realise that my behaviour has a cost that is higher than I’d like to pay. I’d like to change.”
• “I have done things that I didn’t think I ever would, they aren’t who I am. I may be afraid of change, but I am willing to take the challenge and do whatever I need to do to make that change.”

Understanding what they think about their violence might help you work out if and how to work with them.  What change is possible?  What steps could help? 

14. Figure out how likely is it to make a good connection with the person doing harm

Think about whether you can influence the person doing harm to change.  Their values and the people they care about say a lot about whether they might change.  If they have relationships with people who support the intervention and care about ending violence, they may be willing to try.

15. Think about the best people to influence the person doing harm to take accountability

Taking accountability is hard.  The person doing harm may feel cornered, shamed and exposed.  It is easier to take accountability with the support of others.  Who can support them to choose accountability and change? 

Look for opportunities and people to connect with them and help them learn and change, and not run away when accountability gets hard (See Allies to work with the person doing harm chart for tips on finding people to work with them).

16. Expect people to resist taking accountability.  Try to withstand the dodging and delaying, and outlast it to reduce those tactics over time.  Keep working on accountability

Most of us struggle with accountability—it can feel like rejection, a threat or just unfair.  All of us have made mistakes that hurt people.  Even if we apologise and are accountable, we often want to slip out of full accountability.  Remember this struggle. 

Avoiding accountability includes:

• Leaving the community, relationship or organisation to avoid responsibility
• Showing change early on to get people on side—then going back to old behaviour when there’s less pressure
• Hoping people forget
• Hoping people feel sorry for them so they leave them alone or blame others
• Making people scared of them or their anger
• Making people depend on them so they feel too guilty or scared to challenge them
• Stalling
• Distracting
• Blaming others
• Blaming their past
• Blaming the person they hurt
• Blaming people trying to hold them accountable
• Making the accountability process be the problem, not what they’ve done
• Controlling the accountability process.

Don’t expect change to happen immediately.  Notice when people avoid accountability.  But don’t give up.  Withstand the dodging and delaying, and outlast it.  Keep working on accountability.

17. There are consequences to using violence

We don’t support punishment, revenge or humiliation as ways to encourage accountability.  But using violence has consequences, including losing people’s respect and trust, losing status and positions of responsibility, and losing relationships and friends.  They may lose their home and community.  They risk losing others’ compassion, favours, even their job.    

Pointing out these consequences is not the same as threatening.  Sometimes people doing harm are in denial about the consequences of their violence.  They might blame everyone else (the person they harmed, their family members, other people in the community, people in the intervention) for what is happening.  They may believe people will forget or care less about the violence over time.  They may have convinced themselves that they are untouchable, and there will be no consequences.

Don’t protect them from the consequences of their violence.  People cannot take responsibility for violence if they never feel the consequences of their behaviour.  Let them see what they risk losing when they use violence.  They may feel regret, sadness and fear.  These are not punishments.  They are the costs of causing harm and suffering.

18. Look out for shifting targets—when an ally becomes the new enemy

The person doing harm might shift their anger to the person asking for change.  Look out for attempts to make the ally the new ‘enemy’.  They may try to pull the person they hurt into this, and set the intervention up as a shared enemy.  Plan for how to support allies after they engage the person doing harm, and how to support the person harmed to see through this.  Be patient.  Even if they take a moment of relief, encourage them to be real about the pattern of violence or harms.

19. You can’t control how anyone will respond

If your intervention has goals about the behaviour of the person doing harm, try not to expect perfect responses.  You may have to be persistent and patient to help them take small steps in the right direction.

If the person harmed is still in a relationship with the person doing harm, it can be hard to tell the difference between being patient and letting them cross the line.  The person harmed may need support with their goals and whether they are being met.

20. Be specific, then give it time

Community interventions can be exhausting, and it is important to make every effort to be specific, focus on what you want to stop and behaviours that you want to see in the future.  And then give things time.  Try not to focus only on the intervention.  Take care of yourself and your loved ones.  Have fun.