What support does the person who was hurt want?

What does the person who has harmed need? Checklist

Supporting people who were harmed can look many different ways.  This tool has types of support that people who were harmed have said were helpful.

If you are the person harmed, this list is good to share with allies (add your own ideas too).

Ways to support someone who was harmed

• Making a human connection
• Letting them know someone cares
• Listening to their story
• Asking what they need
• Helping get what they need
• Reminding them that interpersonal violence happens to lots of people
• Praising them for everything they do about their situation of harm, including talking
• Letting them know they’re not alone
• Things you can offer:
  • Listening ear
  • Patience when they can’t make a decision, are confused, change their mind, repeat themselves
  • Someone to lean on, a hand to hold through fear, shame, confusion, depression, embarrassment
  • Sounding board—to listen and offer feedback, and only give advice if asked
  • Safety (See How do you stay safe)
  • Medical care
  • Mental health care or counselling
  • Spiritual support
  • Companionship
  • Supporting children or other dependents—childcare, child pick-up, activities with children, emotional support for children who may be going through a hard time too
  • Taking care of pets, plants or others they usually care for
  • Helping others to be good allies—trusted friends, family members, neighbours, co-workers, community members
  • Protecting them from people who bring risk or harm, and people who want to be helpful but aren’t
  • Supporting the person doing harm to take accountability, if you can (See How do we support accountability)
  • Taking accountability if you are the person who caused harm (See How can you take accountability)
  • Help finding and connecting them to resources
  • Help with housing or safe shelter
  • Help moving, storing things, packing, unpacking
  • Help with rides/transportation, access to telephone or internet
  • Help with other necessary things (clothes, food, money, transport, etc)
  • Help figuring out how they want to talk about what is happening, what they need, and what they want to prioritise
  • Help with translation, interpretation (for non-English or limited English speakers or hearing or visually impaired), and issues working with service providers
  • Help figuring out ways around systems like police, criminal justice, immigration, or child welfare
• Help them use this website
  • Become familiar with this website
  • Introduce them to the website in a way that is useful, like reading pieces, printing pages, translating useful information
  • Introduce other allies to the website in a way that is useful
  • Play a role as an ally (See Who can help)

Participation of the person who was harmed in an intervention

If the person who was harmed wants to be involved, interventions that include them work better and are safer.  This chart helps sort out what level of their involvement best describes your intervention process, or what you would like your process to be.

Chart. Participation levels of the person who was harmed

*What if the person who was harmed is not involved?

In the last three rows, the person who was harmed is not involved in the intervention.  For example, they may want to move on, they may be scared or in hiding.  The person harmed might not be connected or known, they may be too young to be involved, or unwell, they might have died. 

But the intervention goes ahead because others decide they have to respond to what happened.  For example, organisations often have policies about responding to abuse, a whānau might want to deal with a whanaunga’s behaviour, some people will feel like they either have to drop their friend or support them to change.  

Even though it’s better if the person harmed is involved, it is possible to respond to violence with little or no involvement from them.  The intervention still has responsibility to support them and try not to add to their harm.  This can include:

• Making sure they know how to join at any time, and the process to check in with them
• Including their goals or likely goals
• Offering support listed in What does the person who was harmed need? Checklist
• Someone representing them, like a partner, close friend, parent or other whanaunga
• Offering an updates on the intervention, like:
  • Things the person doing harm or the community that allowed harm have been asked to do
  • What kind of follow-up the person or community doing harm will do
  • Results of the intervention at agreed times (like weekly, monthly, after anything important happens or at the end of an intervention).

1. Read the Basics section

Interpersonal violence is complicated.  Many of us don’t really understand it or what to do about it.  Read the Basics about violence section for a clearer picture of what is going on.  The Basics about violence intervention section shares lessons Creative Interventions have learned from responding to violence.

Share this information with others who may be in a situation of violence and need resources to help them work out what to do.

2. Asking for support is hard

The person who was harmed may fear judgment from others, or more violence from you.  They may blame themselves.   They may have asked for help and been knocked back or ignored.  All of this makes it difficult to talk about violence and ask for help. 

You can make it easier for them by admitting harm, managing your feelings, getting support to change, and not allowing anyone to support you by undermining the person you hurt.

3. Don’t promise more than you can give

You may want to promise many things when you feel guilty, ashamed or under pressure to be a good person. Think about what you can do—your time, your energy, your ability, your own safety.  Work with others if there are people who want to support you to do what is asked.

If you promise something that you can’t follow through on, talk honestly and take responsibility.

If you start to blame others for your inability to follow through with what you said, take a step back.  Be honest with yourself about how it feels to let somebody down.  Don’t cover up guilt or embarrassment with blame.

4. Think of support as a partnership

If you are asked to do something, you may want to refuse, stall or run away.  Or you might want to take over and show that you are a good person.  Good support is a partnership, where you are standing side-by-side.  If something is asked of you, think about whether you can do it, and try to do just that.

5. The person you hurt understands how they were harmed

The person who was harmed is the only person who knows the full extent and effect of the violence.  When they talk about what happened, you might feel threatened and defensive about losing control of how your relationship or behaviour is seen by others.  You may want to ‘tell your side’. 

Your understanding of what you did and why is less important than the effect it had on the person you hurt.  Only they can speak about that.

6. Community-based intervention works best when the person who was harmed is involved

Many interventions are started or led by the person who was harmed.  Other times, they may not want to be involved.  There are different ways they can participate:

1. Leading the intervention
2. Actively involved
3. Checking in regularly to get information and give feedback
4. Getting information infrequently about what has been done and how the it’s going
5. Only hearing the final outcome.
   
   

7. Supporting the person who was harmed continues throughout an intervention

Supporting the person who was harmed is important and should be part of the plan, including someone who will check in with them throughout the process.  They will likely want to know what is going on and they may need different support at different times.

8. Your relationships with people who are supporting the person you hurt will be affected

People you are close to may be supporting the person you hurt, and they may not feel able to support you at the same time.  Friends may not feel able to spend time with you at all.  By supporting the person you hurt, they are helping you too.  Think about how they are helping you, and appreciate the people who choose to support you to change.  Showing that you are committed to change and stopping violence will help rebuild these relationships.