What is going on?

What is going on Quick Question Guide

You can use this Quick Question Guide to get started and to take snapshots along the way. This asks some questions to start getting a clear picture of the problem.

• What is going on?
• Who is getting harmed?
• What kind of harm?
• Who is doing the harm?
• What is the effect of this harm?
• Who knows about what’s going on?
• What other people or dynamics have helped or made things better?
• What other people or dynamics have been harmful or made things worse?
• Any other important things to know?
• Are there any important changes?
• What’s the next step?

example Snapshot using example story 

This example is based on ‘I hear yelling in my apartment building. What is going on?’ 

For this exercise, the person telling the story has filled out the Quick Question Guide by themselves.  They might also go through it with the two sets of neighbours who shared what they knew about what is going on with Marcos and Maria.

What is going on?

Marcos has lived in the building for a while.  Some of us know him but not so well.  Maria moved in about 6 years ago.  Nobody we know in the building knows much about her.  She speaks Spanish and very little English.  From the yelling and the noise reported from different neighbours, we know that there is violence happening.  It seems that this started in the last few months.

Who is getting harmed?

Maria seems to be the one getting harmed.  And so is their daughter, although it is not clear if she is directly getting hit.  Their daughter is being harmed by watching this happen and hearing the yelling and insults against her mother.

What kind of harm?

There are the kind of fights where there is at least the emotional abuse of yelling.  Things are being thrown, which is physically threatening.  We think this could mean that there is also physical abuse or at least something that could lead to physical abuse.  The reference to the police makes us wonder if there is physical abuse, too.  There is the kind of abuse where the mother is being insulted for not speaking English.  There is harm against the daughter who must witness the yelling, insults and things being thrown around.

Who is doing the harm?

The main person doing harm seems to be Marcos.

What is the effect of this harm?

I don’t know this family well so I have to guess at some of the effect of this harm right now.  I know that Maria is upset during the times that the yelling is happening.  Their daughter is clearly crying and upset. I know that the effects of violence can go way beyond being upset during times of violence–it can cause a whole cycle of violence for this family.

As a neighbour, I feel upset that this family is experiencing violence.  When I see Maria or their daughter, I think about the violence.  I don’t think that Marcos is benefiting from his violence.  I feel like my own sense of peace is violated by violence in our building.

Who knows about what’s going on?

So far, the next door neighbours who first talked about the yelling know.  The people upstairs from Marcos and Maria know, and I know.  I’m not sure who else knows.

What other people or dynamics have helped or made things better?

The neighbours who I talked to seemed at least concerned.  Even though we were gossiping and not necessarily talking about doing anything about it yet, this could be positive.  I don’t have a strong relationship with either Marcos or Maria but we have a friendly relationship.  This could be a positive dynamic.  Even though it looks like Marcos is being abusive to both his wife and at least indirectly to his daughter, he also appears to be a loving father, which is another positive dynamic.  He has lived in the building a long time and probably would like to keep his home and keep a friendly relationship with his neighbours, which is another positive dynamic.

What other people or dynamics have been harmful or made things worse?

So far, we don’t know much about the situation and what might be negative.  But the fact that Maria seems to be a recent immigrant and we don’t see other family members around makes us wonder if she is isolated.  We wonder about her immigration status, which would definitely make a difference if we decided to call the police.  The police might report her to immigration authorities and the results could be her arrest and her separation from her US born daughter.

Any other important things to know?

There is definitely emotional abuse.  And throwing things is a form of physical abuse.  Is there also direct physical abuse?  Has Maria been looking for anybody to help?  Does she want help?  Is Marcos open to get help?  What resources are there for them?  We’re not sure.

Are there any important changes?

The most important change that we know of is that some of us have started to notice and talk about what is going on.

What’s the next step?

At this point, my neighbours Tom and Grace seem to be concerned enough to take some sort of action if needed.  I feel this way, as well.  But we aren’t sure what to do.  We just let each other know that we would keep each other informed and think about next steps.  We want to try to keep it inside the building and not involve the police because that could make things worse.  This is especially true because we don’t know if Maria is undocumented.  We think that maybe our own actions can stop things at an early stage and at least we have each other for support.

The next step will be to talk to Tom and Grace and share this toolkit with them.  Maybe I’ll just photocopy a couple of pages so they don’t get overwhelmed. 

Thinking about a harms statement

Once you have filled out a What is going on Worksheet and a Naming the harm Chart, you may want to make a simpler harms statement or set of statements.  You can have different statements for different purposes.  It can be good for your emotional health to be clear about what harms were done.  The statement can help other people understand the situation they are responding to.  It may be useful to share with the person doing harm, or you may be that person.  You may want to share it more publicly.

There are some categories of harm statements that might help you think about ways to write them for different purposes and audiences.

Harms statement for the person who was harmed to write

For yourself in your own words.  Things that were done and how they hurt you and others.

Harms statement to share with others helping, possibly as a group

Includes specific details about what was done, for how long, changes in frequency.  You can also include anything you created when thinking about what is going on (like other worksheets).

Harms statement for the person harmed to share with the person who harmed them

Includes specific details about what was done and what you want the person to be accountable for.

Harms statement for the person doing harm to write

A first step of taking responsibility can be writing a statement of the harm you caused and who you hurt.  It should be specific, detailed and include the effect of the harm to different people, even if you didn’t mean to hurt them.

Harms statement for wider community

This can be used to let people know about the situation of violence and what’s being done to deal with it.  It might be very detailed or general depending on what you think is the best way to share information with the public.

1. Read the Basics section

Interpersonal violence is complicated.  Many of us don’t really understand it or what to do about it.  Read the Basics about violence section for a clearer picture of what is going on.  The Basics about violence intervention section shares lessons Creative Interventions have learned from responding to violence.

Share this information with others who may be in a situation of violence and need resources to help them work out what to do.

2. Focus on what and how, beware of why

It is normal to want to explain away your violence—it was a misunderstanding, an accident, a one-off.  Instead of thinking about why you have hurt someone, think about how you can stop, and what you can do to make it better (or at least not worse). 

3. Learn from the perspectives of others

Do your assessment with other trusted people.  You may learn that you only have part of the picture.  You may be able to fill others in on important information.  You may be able to step away from emotions that are confusing.  You may see how you can work better together.  Or you may find out that your differences are so big that you cannot work with each other.

4. Get help

Whether you decided to stop your violence yourself or someone else asked you to do something about it, you need help.  It will probably be hard to find someone who will be solid enough to keep you on track, it is unlikely to be a close friend.  If there is a group working on an intervention they might have ideas, also check out Who can help and Resources for organisations that might be able to help.  It will probably be hard to ask for help—getting what you need to stop your violence is an important part of being responsible for your violence.

5. Look out for danger signs, and get help

Although all forms of violence can be dangerous, there are some signs to look out for that signal higher degrees of danger:

• Availability of guns or other weapons
• Previous use or history of physical violence
• Threats to kill yourself or others
• Choking
• Use of alcohol or drugs that contribute to violence
• Times when you feel like you are losing power or control (for example, if your partner is leaving you, or other people are finding out about your violence).

You can take responsibility for reducing the risk by getting rid of weapons, staying away from drugs and alcohol, and finding someone you can call in when things feel hard or out of control.

6. The person you hurt knows what you did to them

They are the only person who knows what they experienced and the effect of your violence on them.  You may see it differently.  You might not be ready to hear how you hurt them.  It is a big step to hear their story without making excuses that let you off the hook.  Resist the urge to deny, minimise or blame them for what happened.  Try to hear what they are saying.

7. Focus on the patterns of abuse or violence

When your behaviour has been called out, it is common to turn on other people’s behaviour.  This is especially true if you have been involved in a relationship (intimate, family or other) with the person you hurt for a long time.  You may be able to come up with a long list of things they did wrong.  Others may too.  The problem isn’t whether they were a perfect partner, child, parent or friend.  The problem is the harm your behaviour has caused. 

Focus on the unhealthy, mostly one-sided patterns of behaviour that cause serious or repeated harm.

8. Aim for common understandings

When working out what happened, people will often come to different conclusions about what happened, including who is more responsible for the harm, who did what, and who is the most harmed.  Reading Basics about violence can help build common understanding about violence and interventions, and what has happened.

People can get confused about who is being harmed and who is causing the harm.   People often want to protect the person who has caused the harm, so they look for reasons why you aren’t to blame, including what the person you hurt did wrong.  They get confused about whether this is simply a bad relationship with equal blame on both sides.  You might be confused about that too.  If this happens, some questions to help are:

• Who is more afraid?
• Who starts the violence?
• Who ends up getting harmed?
• Who is usually changing to meet the other’s needs or moods?
• Who is more vulnerable?
• Who is using violence for power and control (abusive violence)? Who is using violence to try to be safe in an already violent situation (self-defence)?
• Who has to win?

9. Don’t let your friends do your dirty work

It’s not enough for you to avoid the person you hurt and stop hurting them.  Don’t allow your supporters to hurt them, hassle them, talk trash about them or defend you in ways that cause more harm.  Make sure they understand that doesn’t help you.

10. Figure out who needs to get what information and for what purpose

Part of What is going on is gathering and recording information.  Make sure you understand what the person harmed wants shared and with who.  Think about different versions to share for different purposes.

Possible reasons for working out What is going on:

• Being clear about what happened
• Remembering details and sorting out what’s important
• Getting clear on what you want to do something about and how you want to change
• Sharing information with those you want to support you in an intervention
• Avoiding the tendency to deny and minimise violence
• The person who was harmed naming the harms as preparation for giving to you
• Naming the harms as a way for you to start taking accountability
• Recording what happened to share in the future with others who may be at risk of similar harm from you (for example, new partners, friends, employees, etc) or someone else (like the stories on this website).