Who can help?

Signs of immediate danger

There are a few signs of extreme danger.  You should check this list regularly, especially when something has changed, like if the person causing harm has been confronted, or the person being harmed has left the relationship or has a new partner.  The most dangerous times are when the person causing harm feels like they are losing control of the relationship.

Signs of extreme danger:

• Threats to kill or suicide
• Using weapons, threatening to use weapons, or talking about using weapons (like guns, knives, a car, poisons)
• Choking (strangulation or putting hands around a person’s neck)
• Using intimidation and fear (like threatening violence, punching holes in a wall, shouting in a person’s face, sharpening knives, cleaning a gun)
• Intense, violent possessiveness—like owning a person, controlling who they talk to, where they go, jealousy
• Other controlling behaviour to cause fear (like controlling what a person wears, who they can see, where they can go, controlling their money, keeping them away from friends or whānau)
• Forced sex or sexual violence
• Stalking or surveillance (including in person, by phone or social media, checking a person’s phone, emails or social media)
• The violence is getting worse or more often
• The person harmed feels scared or in danger (if they aren’t scared that doesn’t mean they aren’t in danger—sometimes people cope with extreme, ongoing stress by denying it, even to themselves)
• Others are worried that the person harmed is in danger.

Take these signs seriously.  If one or more of these are true, get help and act now. 

Think about the best way to get safer.  If you don’t already have good support, think about what you can do—there are organisations you can call anytime to help you with that and to help with safety (see Resources).

If you have good support, the fastest, safest path might be using that support with tools on this website (there are tools and information in How do you stay safe for the person harmed, person causing harm and allies).  You might feel safer with the help of an organisation—there are organisations you can call anytime for help (see Resources).

If you are the person harmed, who can help you work out how to get safer (see Who can help?)?  If you don’t know who to turn to, there are numbers you can call anytime for help (see Resources).  See How do you stay safe for tools and information about safety.

If you are an ally, can you safely tell the person who is being hurt that you will support them if they need help?  Are there other people you can safely talk to about what you see happening (see Who can help?)?  Think very carefully before confronting the person causing harm, especially if you haven’t talked with the person they are hurting and don’t have a safety plan.  You may make things worse.  See How do you stay safe for tools and information about safety.

If you are the person causing harm, stop.  Get help (see Who can help?).  Call or text 1737 anytime to talk to a trained counsellor, or see Resources for organisations that can help.  Take responsibility for lowering the danger—get rid of any weapons, get yourself away from the situation, find people who can support you to be safer.  See How do you take accountability for tools and information about taking responsibility for the harm you are causing.

Who can help quick question guide

Use this Quick Question Guide to think about allies (who can help) and barriers (who might get in the way), and to make snapshots along the way.

These are some questions to think about who can get involved, and who should be avoided.

• Who can help (when and how, towards which goal)?
• Who could hurt the situation?
• Who would be good to support the person who was hurt?
• Who would be good to support the person doing harm?
• Who can become an ally or a stronger ally with a little help?
• What kind of help do they need and who can give it?

Who can help worksheet

These are some questions about who can help and building a team.  Don’t try to answer them all, only answer the ones that are helpful to you! 

• Who can help?
• Who do you usually turn to for help? Would they be helpful in this situation?
• Who can help the person harmed?
• Who can influence and help the person doing harm? Who can support the person doing harm to stop using violence, take responsibility, repair harm and learn new behaviours?
• Who is connected to the situation that could help in some way?
• Who isn’t connected to the situation but could still help in some way?
• Who seems good, but might actually be a problem?
• Who might be great if they had good information and support?
• Who do you know who is good at working in groups?
• Who is good at thinking through complicated problems without jumping ahead or taking action on their own?
• Who is a great communicator?
• Who is good at bringing together people who don’t agree?
• Who can cheer people on, appreciate what others are good at and build team spirit?
• Who isn’t afraid of conflict, or is calm in stressful situations?
• Who has resources they could share—like a car, a room, paper and markers, a place to sleep, a cell phone?
• Would these people be good to help in this intervention? Why?  Why not?
• If not or you’re not sure, is there anything that would make them a better ally? What?
• What kind of role can they play?
• Can you see them being a key person on a team that meets regularly? Or for a long time?
• Would they be willing to meet together to talk about this intervention?
• What would they need to make this meeting possible?
• Would they benefit from reading any part of this website, or have someone go over it with them?
• Which parts would be important?  Who could do that?

Ally roles checklist

This is a checklist to help focus your thinking about people who can help and what they might do.  Go through the checklist.  What do your responses reveal to you?

Potential roles (If you are wondering if you might be a good ally, check the boxes with yourself in mind):

• Facilitate the intervention
• Co-ordinate logistics like where are we meeting, when, what do we need
• Take notes
• Keep track of goals
• Keep track of decisions
• Keep track of timelines (including start and end times for meetings)
• Make sure next steps were followed by checking in with people
• Make sure to think about risks and safety planning (see How do you stay safe for the person harmed , the person causing harm or allies)
• Be a reality check
• Help with physical conflict
• Help with emotional conflict
• Have information or experience about violence and how it works
• Emotionally support the person harmed or other people affected by violence (like children)
• Emotionally support people taking action in the intervention
• Emotionally support the person doing harm
• Offer resources (like money, food, rides, housing, storage) to the person who was harmed or other people affected by violence
• Offer resources (like money, food, rides, housing, storage) to other support people
• Offer resources (like money, food, rides, housing, storage) to the person doing harm
• Communicate well with the person who was harmed or people affected by violence
• Communicate well with the person doing harm
• Communicate well with others in the intervention
• Drive
• Pick up supplies
• Hold meetings in their home, office or other space
• Cook or provide food for meetings
• Provide childcare for meetings
• Provide for spiritual needs (like karakia, prayer, bless the space, spiritual counselling)
• Other: ___________________________________________

Good ally checklist

Think about someone who might help (or yourself If you are wondering whether you might be a good ally) and check the box if this person:

• Is a good listener
• Has a good understanding of how violence works or is willing to learn
• Won’t blame the person harmed, or understands that blaming them makes things worse
• Can think about the person doing harm with compassion (even if they are outraged, angry, disgusted)
• Doesn’t always have to be right, can be part of group decision-making
• Doesn’t always have to be the centre of attention, can be a good team player
• Won’t gossip about what is happening
• Is a good communicator or can learn how to be better
• Is good at follow through
• Has some time for conversations, meetings, etc.

Looking at the boxes checked, would you say:

• This person would be a good ally:
  What they are good at:
  What they could do to help:
  Next steps:
• This person could be an important good ally, but:
  They could use help with:
  Good ways to help them are:
  Good people to help them are:
  Next steps:
• This person probably isn’t a good ally and is even a danger to the intervention (see Barriers checklist )
• This person probably isn’t a good ally but isn’t a danger,  we can keep them in mind for the future

Barriers checklist

This tool is to help work out who might get in the way of an intervention—we’re calling them ‘barriers’.  Key questions are: Who should not know about this intervention?  Who should not be involved?  Can anything be done to get them on board as an ally or at least not in the way?

Think about potential barriers to the intervention (if you think you might be an ally, check the box with yourself in mind).  Check the box if the person or group:

• Will tell people who should not be told about the intervention (including the person doing harm, others who will tell the person doing harm, police or other authorities you don’t want involved)
• Benefits from the violence, or thinks that they do
• Could be affected badly by actions to respond to, stop or prevent violence (like losing their job, friends or whānau getting angry)
• Believes that the violence is okay
• Is dependent on the person doing harm (financially, emotionally, visa status, etc)
• Could feel threatened if people try to respond to, stop or prevent violence
• Will ‘blame the victim’
• Could harm the person who has been hurt
• Is likely to hurt the person doing harm if they find out
• Gossips in a way that makes the intervention harder
• Would try to get in the way of an intervention
• Not sure why—but just have a sense that they would get in the way of an intervention.

Barriers Checklist Summary:

If the person or group seems to be a barrier, what are the next steps?

Look at the following suggested steps and see if they make sense in this situation.

• Make sure that they don’t find out
  • Get people to agree that they won’t tell the person
  • Make sure that the person won’t find out accidentally (like through shared emails, meeting notes, overheard conversations, social media)
• Distract them to lessen their chance of finding out or causing harm
• Make safety plans in case the person finds out or creates harm (See How to stay safe for the person harmed, for the person causing harm or for allies)

Other things that might get in the way of an intervention Checklist

It’s not just people who can be barriers: time, resources, laws, can get in the way too.  This tool is to help you identify other barriers and plan to work around them.

Time: How can time be a barrier?

• Timeline or deadline coming up (for example, we need to help someone escape during the time that her partner is out of town, the partner is returning in 2 days)
• People can’t find time that everyone can meet
• People don’t have time to meet at all
• People are only free for a short time
• Other: ______________________________________________

Resources: How can resources be a barrier?

• No transport to get to a meeting
• No place to meet that is big enough, private enough, warm enough, etc
• Need childcare to be able to meet
• Financial or housing needs are so urgent that nothing else can be done
• Other: ______________________________________________

Laws or systems: How can laws or systems be a barrier?

• Dealing with child abuse but don’t want to report—need to think about who is legally required to report, such as teachers, social workers, doctors
• Need medical care but don’t want abuse reported to police
• Someone involved has overstayed their visa and is at risk of being caught
• Someone involved is in trouble with the law so is at risk of being caught
• Want to tell workplace but not sure about their policies around violence—what do they do about people who have been harmed? what do they do about people causing harm?
• Other: ______________________________________________

Allies to work with the person doing harm chart

This is an important and hard role.

It’s hard to take responsibility and change harmful behaviours (think of the last time you changed something about your behaviour!).  It is especially hard when others demand it of you.  It’s worse when you’re doing it without support while you’re being judged and criticised.

Working out who can help and who can get in the way is important when thinking about how to support someone to take responsibility for their violence.

Who could best support them to take responsibility?  Who might get in the way or make it less likely to happen? 

It’s usually easier to find people to support the person who was hurt or the intervention overall, than it is to find support for the person doing harm.  It is harder to find people who can support the person causing harm to stop and take responsibility for their violence, and to change.

Often the only people who want to support the person doing harm, also want to protect them from taking responsibility.  They might make excuses for them or their violence, or criticise people who want to stop or respond to the violence.

Helping your friends, family members, or acquaintances take responsibility for their violence and practise new ways of being with people is hard.  How can you tell who can help and who might hurt?  Remember to think creatively!  Sometimes the best people aren’t the first ones we think of.

Working with the person doing harm Chart

Invitation to help with an intervention

(This can be given to a potential ally or used as a script to talk with them)

Hello, I want to talk to you about...

(short description of what’s happening)

We are asking you to think about being part of our group as we …

(short description of the possible intervention)

We think you would be a good person for …

(short description of possible roles)

We thought of you as a person to help because …

(who they know, skills, knowledge, resources, etc)

We have some information to help prepare you …

Information about violence (could include: Basics about violence [link to that section])

Information about this approach to violence intervention (Could include: FAQ, Basics section, Community allies , About section)

We ask you to agree to the following (even if you decide not to join) …

Who it’s okay to talk to:

Who it’s not okay to talk to:

Requests made by the person harmed:

Anything they need to know about the person doing harm:

Any other requests:

Your involvement could include …

Next steps for participation …

If you have more questions, contact …

Allies and barriers: summary

Once you have gone through the tools including Ally roles, the Good ally Checklist and the Barriers Checklist, use this tool to make a summary of allies and barriers.  It can lead to the next action steps, including who will be responsible for contacting allies and what can be done to reduce the harm of barriers.

Allies:

Next steps for allies?

Barriers:

Next steps for barriers?

1. READ THE BASICS SECTION

Interpersonal violence is complicated.  Many of us don’t really understand it or what to do about it.  Read the Basics about violence section for a clearer picture of what is going on.  The Basics about violence intervention section shares lessons Creative Interventions have learned from responding to violence.

Share this information with others who may be in a situation of violence and need resources to help them work out what to do.

2. WATCH OUT FOR EXTREMES—NOBODY CAN HELP, OR EVERYONE SHOULD HELP

“There is absolutely no one who can help.”  Look at your goals and brainstorm allies who can help with specific goals.  When you focus on smaller steps instead of the whole intervention, you might come up with ideas.

“Let’s make this team huge!” “Let’s get everyone on board!” “Let’s call a community meeting!”  Be sure you’ve thought about whether you’re ready, and have clear goals and examples of how people can be involved.  Do you need to bring everyone in now?  Can you bring people in at different times?

3. SOME PEOPLE WHO CAN HELP MIGHT LOOK LIKE BARRIERS NOW

Most of us aren’t taught how to be good allies, especially in situations of violence.  But people can learn with information and support.  Think about how your information, support and this website could turn people into good allies.  Think about who is best to work with them and how.

4. PRIORITISE SAFETY

If there is no-one good to work with the person doing harm, or if the risk to you or others is too high, pay attention.  Is it safe to wait until more people are involved?  Do you need to use anti-violence resources that don’t rely on friends, whānau and other community members, like the Women’s Refuge system or stopping violence programmes (see resources for lists of organisations that may help)?

5. WATCH OUT FOR COMMON PROBLEMS

1. Some people may feel so angry, disgusted or impatient with the person doing harm that they can’t put those feelings aside. They may have difficulty working to the goals of the intervention, or belittle all positive steps made by the person doing harm. These are common and understandable responses, but they aren’t always helpful.  Those people may need to find different roles to play or step back for a while.
   
   
2. Look out for people who are supporting the person doing harm if they: 1) protect that person from the intervention; 2) sabotage the intervention; 3) argue that you are equally responsible for the harm and need to be held equally accountable; or 4) influence people to believe that you are “crazy”. They are unlikely to help the intervention.
   
   
3. Look out for people who are too affected by the situation to help, who can’t separate their experiences from what is happening in this intervention.
   
   

6. TRY TO INCLUDE SOME PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT CLOSE TO THE VIOLENCE

It can help to include people who are further away from the violence and can bring new perspectives.