What is going on?

There are a few signs of extreme danger.  You should check this list regularly, especially when something has changed, like if the person causing harm has been confronted, or the person being harmed has left the relationship or has a new partner.  The most dangerous times are when the person causing harm feels like they are losing control of the relationship.

Signs of extreme danger:

• Threats to kill or suicide
• Using weapons, threatening to use weapons, or talking about using weapons (like guns, knives, a car, poisons)
• Choking (strangulation or putting hands around a person’s neck)
• Using intimidation and fear (like threatening violence, punching holes in a wall, shouting in a person’s face, sharpening knives, cleaning a gun)
• Intense, violent possessiveness—like owning a person, controlling who they talk to, where they go, jealousy
• Other controlling behaviour to cause fear (like controlling what a person wears, who they can see, where they can go, controlling their money, keeping them away from friends or whānau)
• Forced sex or sexual violence
• Stalking or surveillance (including in person, by phone or social media, checking a person’s phone, emails or social media)
• The violence is getting worse or more often
• The person harmed feels scared or in danger (if they aren’t scared that doesn’t mean they aren’t in danger—sometimes people cope with extreme, ongoing stress by denying it, even to themselves)
• Others are worried that the person harmed is in danger.

Take these signs seriously.  If one or more of these are true, get help and act now. 

Think about the best way to get safer.  If you don’t already have good support, think about what you can do—there are organisations you can call anytime to help you with that and to help with safety (see Resources).

If you have good support, the fastest, safest path might be using that support with tools on this website (there are tools and information in How do you stay safe for the person harmed, person causing harm and allies).  You might feel safer with the help of an organisation—there are organisations you can call anytime for help (see Resources).

If you are the person harmed, who can help you work out how to get safer (see Who can help?)?  If you don’t know who to turn to, there are numbers you can call anytime for help (see Resources).  See How do you stay safe for tools and information about safety.

If you are an ally, can you safely tell the person who is being hurt that you will support them if they need help?  Are there other people you can safely talk to about what you see happening (see Who can help?)?  Think very carefully before confronting the person causing harm, especially if you haven’t talked with the person they are hurting and don’t have a safety plan.  You may make things worse.  See How do you stay safe for tools and information about safety.

If you are the person causing harm, stop.  Get help (see Who can help?).  Call or text 1737 anytime to talk to a trained counsellor, or see Resources for organisations that can help.  Take responsibility for lowering the danger—get rid of any weapons, get yourself away from the situation, find people who can support you to be safer.  See How do you take accountability for tools and information about taking responsibility for the harm you are causing.

You can use this Quick Question Guide to get started and to take snapshots along the way. This asks some questions to start getting a clear picture of the problem.

• What is going on?
• Who is getting harmed?
• What kind of harm?
• Who is doing the harm?
• What is the effect of this harm?
• Who knows about what’s going on?
• What other people or dynamics have helped or made things better?
• What other people or dynamics have been harmful or made things worse?
• Any other important things to know?
• Are there any important changes?
• What’s the next step?

example Snapshot using example story 

This example is based on ‘I hear yelling in my apartment building. What is going on?’ 

For this exercise, the person telling the story has filled out the Quick Question Guide by themselves.  They might also go through it with the two sets of neighbours who shared what they knew about what is going on with Marcos and Maria.

What is going on?

Marcos has lived in the building for a while.  Some of us know him but not so well.  Maria moved in about 6 years ago.  Nobody we know in the building knows much about her.  She speaks Spanish and very little English.  From the yelling and the noise reported from different neighbours, we know that there is violence happening.  It seems that this started in the last few months.

Who is getting harmed?

Maria seems to be the one getting harmed.  And so is their daughter, although it is not clear if she is directly getting hit.  Their daughter is being harmed by watching this happen and hearing the yelling and insults against her mother.

What kind of harm?

There are the kind of fights where there is at least the emotional abuse of yelling.  Things are being thrown, which is physically threatening.  We think this could mean that there is also physical abuse or at least something that could lead to physical abuse.  The reference to the police makes us wonder if there is physical abuse, too.  There is the kind of abuse where the mother is being insulted for not speaking English.  There is harm against the daughter who must witness the yelling, insults and things being thrown around.

Who is doing the harm?

The main person doing harm seems to be Marcos.

What is the effect of this harm?

I don’t know this family well so I have to guess at some of the effect of this harm right now.  I know that Maria is upset during the times that the yelling is happening.  Their daughter is clearly crying and upset. I know that the effects of violence can go way beyond being upset during times of violence–it can cause a whole cycle of violence for this family.

As a neighbour, I feel upset that this family is experiencing violence.  When I see Maria or their daughter, I think about the violence.  I don’t think that Marcos is benefiting from his violence.  I feel like my own sense of peace is violated by violence in our building.

Who knows about what’s going on?

So far, the next door neighbours who first talked about the yelling know.  The people upstairs from Marcos and Maria know, and I know.  I’m not sure who else knows.

What other people or dynamics have helped or made things better?

The neighbours who I talked to seemed at least concerned.  Even though we were gossiping and not necessarily talking about doing anything about it yet, this could be positive.  I don’t have a strong relationship with either Marcos or Maria but we have a friendly relationship.  This could be a positive dynamic.  Even though it looks like Marcos is being abusive to both his wife and at least indirectly to his daughter, he also appears to be a loving father, which is another positive dynamic.  He has lived in the building a long time and probably would like to keep his home and keep a friendly relationship with his neighbours, which is another positive dynamic.

What other people or dynamics have been harmful or made things worse?

So far, we don’t know much about the situation and what might be negative.  But the fact that Maria seems to be a recent immigrant and we don’t see other family members around makes us wonder if she is isolated.  We wonder about her immigration status, which would definitely make a difference if we decided to call the police.  The police might report her to immigration authorities and the results could be her arrest and her separation from her US born daughter.

Any other important things to know?

There is definitely emotional abuse.  And throwing things is a form of physical abuse.  Is there also direct physical abuse?  Has Maria been looking for anybody to help?  Does she want help?  Is Marcos open to get help?  What resources are there for them?  We’re not sure.

Are there any important changes?

The most important change that we know of is that some of us have started to notice and talk about what is going on.

What’s the next step?

At this point, my neighbours Tom and Grace seem to be concerned enough to take some sort of action if needed.  I feel this way, as well.  But we aren’t sure what to do.  We just let each other know that we would keep each other informed and think about next steps.  We want to try to keep it inside the building and not involve the police because that could make things worse.  This is especially true because we don’t know if Maria is undocumented.  We think that maybe our own actions can stop things at an early stage and at least we have each other for support.

The next step will be to talk to Tom and Grace and share this toolkit with them.  Maybe I’ll just photocopy a couple of pages so they don’t get overwhelmed. 

• You can use this Worksheet when you have more time or the support of other people.  It can help to identify the key issues of violence, abuse or harm you or someone you are close to are facing or causing.
• How can you describe the harm that is happening?
• Who is getting harmed?  In what ways?
• Who is doing the harm?  In what ways?
• How long has the harm been going on?
• Is it happening all of the time?  How often does it happen?  Are there patterns?
• Has it been getting worse?  More often?  More serious?
• What has happened, is happening now or could happen in the future?
• Are there words that best describe it?
• Are there particular people, things or situations that make it worse?  Or make it better?
• Have people tried to get help before?  Who?  What kind of help?  What happened?
• Who knows about the harm that’s happening?
• What are other important things to know about?
• Are there some important things you still need to find out?  What are possible next steps for finding out?
• What else is important to do next?

If you are already getting started, at least one person thinks that some sort of violence, abuse, or harm is happening.  You might know that it’s abusive, or it may be a more vague feeling that something is going on.

It can feel uncomfortable or scary to put words to abuse or violence.  You might feel embarrassed, ashamed, guilty or vulnerable.  You may fear that naming the harm will lead to more violence.   Naming the harm is an important step in understanding what’s happening and how to change it.

Can you name the harm?  How would you name it in your own words?  What is important in naming it?

Example: “My power was taken away.” “I violated her boundaries.” “She violated my trust—now I can’t even trust myself.” “I made him feel worthless.” “My community was destroyed—my safe home was turned into somewhere nobody felt safe.”

You can use your own words.  The information in Basics about violence [hyperlink to that section] might help you.

The Naming the harm Chart is another way to think about harms.  It shows that harm can take many forms: emotional; physical; sexual; economic; using family, friends, children and pets; and using systems that marginalise, such as residency status or access to benefits.  It can include threats of harm.

Harm may come from friends, whānau and community members who looked away while violence was happening, who blamed the person harmed or who participated in the harm.

Harms may have been committed in the past.  They may be happening now.  Or the chart can help imagine what could happen in the future.

Naming the harm Chart

Use the categories to map the types of harms done.  Examples are given in the chart below as a guide.

The columns are for different forms of harm.

The rows are for the different people harmed, directly or indirectly.  As well as people, it can include workplaces, organisations, sports teams, and so on.

Examples of harms

This is a list of harms that a person might have experienced or caused.  It could be used in a statement of harm, for example starting with: “These are the forms of violence I experienced from you.  You…”

Weapons and threats of suicide mean serious danger.  Danger increases when a person doing harm feels a loss of power or control.  That can mean more serious types and levels of harm.  Threats of suicide aren’t necessarily a form of harm, but threats to commit suicide or harm oneself can be used to manipulate and to control others—for example, ‘If you leave me I will kill myself.’  For more, see Basics about violence [link to that section].

Example: Harm from friends, whānau or community

This is a list of ways that friends, whānau or community members added to the harm.  It could be used in a statement of harm, for example starting with: “I wish I could have gotten help and support from you, but instead you…”

You can use this Quick Question Guide to get started and to take snapshots along the way. This asks some questions to start getting a clear picture of the problem.

• What is going on?
• Who is getting harmed?
• What kind of harm?
• Who is doing the harm?
• What is the effect of this harm?
• Who knows about what’s going on?
• What other people or dynamics have helped or made things better?
• What other people or dynamics have been harmful or made things worse?
• Any other important things to know?
• Are there any important changes?
• What’s the next step?

example Snapshot using example story 

This example is based on ‘I hear yelling in my apartment building. What is going on?’ 

For this exercise, the person telling the story has filled out the Quick Question Guide by themselves.  They might also go through it with the two sets of neighbours who shared what they knew about what is going on with Marcos and Maria.

What is going on?

Marcos has lived in the building for a while.  Some of us know him but not so well.  Maria moved in about 6 years ago.  Nobody we know in the building knows much about her.  She speaks Spanish and very little English.  From the yelling and the noise reported from different neighbours, we know that there is violence happening.  It seems that this started in the last few months.

Who is getting harmed?

Maria seems to be the one getting harmed.  And so is their daughter, although it is not clear if she is directly getting hit.  Their daughter is being harmed by watching this happen and hearing the yelling and insults against her mother.

What kind of harm?

There are the kind of fights where there is at least the emotional abuse of yelling.  Things are being thrown, which is physically threatening.  We think this could mean that there is also physical abuse or at least something that could lead to physical abuse.  The reference to the police makes us wonder if there is physical abuse, too.  There is the kind of abuse where the mother is being insulted for not speaking English.  There is harm against the daughter who must witness the yelling, insults and things being thrown around.

Who is doing the harm?

The main person doing harm seems to be Marcos.

What is the effect of this harm?

I don’t know this family well so I have to guess at some of the effect of this harm right now.  I know that Maria is upset during the times that the yelling is happening.  Their daughter is clearly crying and upset. I know that the effects of violence can go way beyond being upset during times of violence–it can cause a whole cycle of violence for this family.

As a neighbour, I feel upset that this family is experiencing violence.  When I see Maria or their daughter, I think about the violence.  I don’t think that Marcos is benefiting from his violence.  I feel like my own sense of peace is violated by violence in our building.

Who knows about what’s going on?

So far, the next door neighbours who first talked about the yelling know.  The people upstairs from Marcos and Maria know, and I know.  I’m not sure who else knows.

What other people or dynamics have helped or made things better?

The neighbours who I talked to seemed at least concerned.  Even though we were gossiping and not necessarily talking about doing anything about it yet, this could be positive.  I don’t have a strong relationship with either Marcos or Maria but we have a friendly relationship.  This could be a positive dynamic.  Even though it looks like Marcos is being abusive to both his wife and at least indirectly to his daughter, he also appears to be a loving father, which is another positive dynamic.  He has lived in the building a long time and probably would like to keep his home and keep a friendly relationship with his neighbours, which is another positive dynamic.

What other people or dynamics have been harmful or made things worse?

So far, we don’t know much about the situation and what might be negative.  But the fact that Maria seems to be a recent immigrant and we don’t see other family members around makes us wonder if she is isolated.  We wonder about her immigration status, which would definitely make a difference if we decided to call the police.  The police might report her to immigration authorities and the results could be her arrest and her separation from her US born daughter.

Any other important things to know?

There is definitely emotional abuse.  And throwing things is a form of physical abuse.  Is there also direct physical abuse?  Has Maria been looking for anybody to help?  Does she want help?  Is Marcos open to get help?  What resources are there for them?  We’re not sure.

Are there any important changes?

The most important change that we know of is that some of us have started to notice and talk about what is going on.

What’s the next step?

At this point, my neighbours Tom and Grace seem to be concerned enough to take some sort of action if needed.  I feel this way, as well.  But we aren’t sure what to do.  We just let each other know that we would keep each other informed and think about next steps.  We want to try to keep it inside the building and not involve the police because that could make things worse.  This is especially true because we don’t know if Maria is undocumented.  We think that maybe our own actions can stop things at an early stage and at least we have each other for support.

The next step will be to talk to Tom and Grace and share this toolkit with them.  Maybe I’ll just photocopy a couple of pages so they don’t get overwhelmed. 

Once you have filled out a What is going on Worksheet and a Naming the harm Chart, you may want to make a simpler harms statement or set of statements.  You can have different statements for different purposes.  It can be good for your emotional health to be clear about what harms were done.  The statement can help other people understand the situation they are responding to.  It may be useful to share with the person doing harm, or you may be that person.  You may want to share it more publicly.

There are some categories of harm statements that might help you think about ways to write them for different purposes and audiences.

Harms statement for the person who was harmed to write

For yourself in your own words.  Things that were done and how they hurt you and others.

Harms statement to share with others helping, possibly as a group

Includes specific details about what was done, for how long, changes in frequency.  You can also include anything you created when thinking about what is going on (like other worksheets).

Harms statement for the person harmed to share with the person who harmed them

Includes specific details about what was done and what you want the person to be accountable for.

Harms statement for the person doing harm to write

A first step of taking responsibility can be writing a statement of the harm you caused and who you hurt.  It should be specific, detailed and include the effect of the harm to different people, even if you didn’t mean to hurt them.

Harms statement for wider community

This can be used to let people know about the situation of violence and what’s being done to deal with it.  It might be very detailed or general depending on what you think is the best way to share information with the public.

Below are some questions to help think about the harm, who you might include in an intervention, your goals or what you want to happen, and connecting people to the goals of this intervention.

1. How are the people involved in the violence related?

• Violence by a stranger
• Violence by a former partner or acquaintance but who you are not connected to now
• Violence by someone from the same community
• Violence in an on-going relationship.

2. What is the timeframe of violence?

• Pattern from the far past
• One-off violence from the far past
• One-off recent violence
• A pattern of violence or abuse is starting
• Long-standing pattern of violence
• Return of violent pattern.

3. How visible is the violence?

• Public violence seen by one or more others (violence may happen privately as well)
• Public and private violence seen or known about by others
• One-off private violence with no witnesses
• Pattern of private violence with no witnesses.

4. How dangerous is the violence?

• Past use of weapons (guns, knives, poisons, the car, etc) or other highly dangerous violence (choking, violence that caused injuries), gang connections
• Likelihood of using weapons
• Access to weapons
• Threatening to use weapons or highly dangerous violence
• No history of weapons or dangerous violence, no threats to use weapons or dangerous violence, no access to weapons
• Past self-harm or suicide attempts
• Serious concerns about substance abuse or mental illness
• Position of power (police, local celebrity, community leader, well-respected) or connected to people with power
• May use violence as pay-back, but no history of weapons or dangerous violence
• Low risk of more violence as pay-back (eg, because the relationship has ended, someone has left the community, etc).

5. How is the person harmed involved in the intervention?

• Leading the intervention
• Leading, with input from others
• Highly involved, but with others leading
• Kept in the loop, but at a distance from the details
• Little or no involvement in the intervention.

6. How socially connected is the person doing harm?

• Has no friends or social connections
• Substance abuse or mental health get in the way of social connections
• Has friends but they all support using violence
• Has friends, but drops them or fights if they challenge them
• The person harmed is their only connection
• There are people who the person doing harm respects and listens to, but they aren’t close
• The person doing harm is close to people they respect and listen to
• The person doing harm has close relationships with people who can support them to stop violence and use new behaviours; the person doing harm is able to talk about hard things with some people.

7. Is it likely that community allies will get involved?

• No connections or community
• There are connections or community, but they will excuse or support violence
• One or two people who are connected to the person harmed or doing harm are willing to help
• No close connections, but part of a wider community (neighbourhood, city, ethnic community) that has some people or an organisation that is willing to help
• At least one or two strong leaders and a group of people willing to get involved.

8. Do the person harmed, community allies and the person doing harm share values?

• No shared values, or opposing values
• Some overlap of values
• Significant overlap of values
• Shared membership in a values-based community (for example, church, community group, political group, etc).

These questions are shown in chart form below.

Intervention factors at a glance: Type and context of violence

Intervention factors at a glance: Level of involvement in an intervention

1. Read the Basics section

Interpersonal violence is complicated.  Many of us don’t really understand it or what to do about it.  Read the Basics about violence section for a clearer picture of what is going on.  The Basics about violence intervention section shares lessons Creative Interventions have learned from responding to violence.

Share this information with others who may be in a situation of violence and need resources to help them work out what to do.

2. Focus on what and how, beware of why

It’s normal to wonder why something is happening—why is the person causing harm doing what they are doing?  Why me—why am I the victim of violence?  ‘Why’ questions are often impossible to answer.  They can trap us in not-knowing and not-doing.  Move away from ‘why’ questions and towards what is happening and how you change the situation.

3. Learn from the perspectives of others

Do your assessment with other trusted people.  You may learn that you only have part of the picture. You may be able to fill others in on important information.  You may be able to step away from emotions that are confusing.  You may see how to work better together.  Or you may find out that your differences are so big that you cannot work with each other.

4. Look out for danger signs

Although all forms of violence can be dangerous, there are some signs to look out for that signal higher degrees of danger (see How do you stay safe):

• Availability of guns or other weapons
• Previous use or history of physical violence
• Threats to kill self or others
• Choking
• Use of alcohol or drugs that contribute to violence
• The person doing harm is in a position of power or influence (for example, police, community leader, local celebrity or well respected), or is connected with people in power
• The person doing harm senses a loss of power or control (for example, when you are about to leave or when others are finding out about their violence).

5. You know more about what happened to you than anyone else does

You may be the only person who knows what violence you experienced and the effect of it.  The violence may have been committed away from other people—or may take place in very subtle forms that others do not even notice.

Naming the violence and having people listen, understand and validate your experience of it can be a step towards repairing the harm and stopping violence from happening.  It may be a goal of an intervention.

6. Stay focused on the patterns of abuse or violence

Once you begin to name the harm, it is common to think about everyone’s behaviour.  This is especially true when you and the person who hurt you have been in a long relationship.  You may be able to come up with a long list of things you did wrong.  Others may too.  While people might need to get these thoughts and feelings out so they can move on, you don’t need to hear it (allies can support each other by working through this without you). 

Remember, the problem isn’t that you weren’t a perfect partner, child, parent or friend, the problem is violence.  Focus on the unhealthy, mostly one-sided patterns of behaviour that cause significant or repeated harm.

7. Aim for shared understandings

People will often come to different conclusions about what happened, including who is more responsible for the harm, who did what, and who is the most harmed.  Reading Basics about violence can help build a shared understanding about violence and interventions, and about what has happened.

People can get confused about who is being harmed and who is causing the harm.   People often want to protect the person who has caused the harm, so they look for examples of what the other person did wrong.  They get confused about whether this is simply a bad and unhealthy relationship with equal blame on both sides. 

People may blame you.  If they do, I’m sorry.  It is not your fault.  It’s a common reaction and it’s not about you. 

Some questions to help people focus are:

• Who is more afraid?
• Who starts the violence?
• Who ends up getting harmed?
• Who is usually changing to meet the other’s needs or moods?
• Who is more vulnerable?
• Who is using violence for power and control (abusive violence)? Who is using violence to try to be safe in an already violent situation (self-defence)?
• Who has to win?

A good resource on this is Distinguishing between violence and abuse, by Northwest Network of Bisexual, Trans, Lesbian and Gay Survivors of Abuse (this is a great resource for any type of relationship).

8. Figure out who needs to get what information and for what purpose

Part of What is going on is gathering and recording information.  As you record and share this information, you might want to think about different versions depending upon the purpose.

Possible reasons for working out What is going on:

• Being clear about what happened
• Remembering details and sorting out what’s important
• Getting clear on what you want to respond to and change
• Sharing information with those you want to support you in an intervention
• Avoiding the tendency to deny and minimize violence
• Naming the harms as preparation for facing the person responsible for the harm
• Naming the harms as a way for the person doing harm to start taking accountability.