Basics about violence intervention

Violence interventions start and go on in different ways.  Often the person harmed starts an intervention.  Other times, people learn about violence and try to stop it in order to protect the person harmed.

As interventions get going, they sometimes focus more on dealing with the person who did harm than the person who was hurt.  The person who was hurt can get left out and lose support and care as everyone gets involved in other tasks.  They can feel invisible, isolated and even more vulnerable.  

What can you do about it?

• Keep the person who was harmed in the loop. Even if they don’t want to be actively involved in the intervention, figure out ways that feel okay for them to know what is happening.  This could mean regular catch ups, or letting them know when important steps are made
• Is the person harmed connected to friends, family or community? Not just to counsellors, agencies or the intervention?  Contact with loved ones can be important and healing
• Do not make the person harmed always ask for help. Offer help, and keep offering help.  People harmed by violence may feel ashamed to ask for help, they may feel like a burden.  Make it easy to ask for what they need. 
• Understand that the perspective of the person who was harmed is unique. They are likely to understand the violence and its dynamics better than anyone else, even if they are in denial or minimising the violence.
• Check out How can you support the person who was hurt for allies, for the person harmed, for the person causing harm for tools and more information.

Everyone has messed up.  We’ve had to recognise what we did, apologise and be responsible for putting it right in some way.  That’s accountability.  But we often try to let ourselves off the hook even when we apologise and admit responsibility straight away.  People try to avoid accountability by:

• Not showing up—leaving the community, relationship or organisation
• Laying low and hoping people forget
• Hoping people feel sorry for us so they leave us alone or blame others (we may help them feel sorry for us)
• Making people scared of us or our anger
• Making people depend on us so they won’t challenge us
• Delaying (maybe in the hope that people will forget or give up)
• Distracting
• Blaming others
• Blaming our past
• Blaming the person we hurt
• Blaming the people who are asking us to take accountability
• Criticising the accountability process—the way we are being asked to take accountability is the real problem, not what we did
• Trying to control the accountability process.

What can you do about it?

• Expect resistance, withstand the dodging and delaying, and outlast them to reduce those tactics over time
• Find good people to support the person doing harm through their process of dodging and delaying while challenging those tactics—it is often hard to find people who are solid enough, those people will probably need support too
• Check out How can you support the person who caused harm to take accountability for allies, for the person harmed, for the person causing harm for more information.

Most of us haven’t learned to deal well with conflict.  What we learned from our families is often unhelpful, usually either avoiding conflict or amping it up.  Most of us don’t have good enough tools for understanding and resolving conflict. 

What can you do about it?

• Think about how you feel about conflict—do you thrive on it? Do you often cause conflict?  Do you minimise conflict and pretend it isn’t there?  Do you run away from it?
• Share your conflict style with your team, so you all know what to expect and can work with each other better
• If your relationship with conflict isn’t good for you, think about how you can change it. Think about whether your pattern of dealing with conflict could help you respond to and end violence, or make it harder
• Use tools on this website to find ways to use your skills in dealing with conflict (see How do you work together as a team)
• Be real about your conflict style and whether you can change right now.  There may be a role that suits your way of dealing with conflict, and roles that may be too hard.

Interpersonal violence is often committed by and against people we know.  They may be the people we care about most—whānau, close friends, co-workers, community leaders, team-mates.  Even if you aren’t involved in the violence, it can be hard if you have relationships with the people who are.

What can you do about it?

• Think about how to use your knowledge and care for the people involved to help end the violence
• If you are in relationships with people involved in violence and you are finding it hard or confusing, step back for a moment and think about how you can maintain those relationships as well as challenge the violence (See Who can help?)
• Work with others so the solutions aren’t all on you.

Many of us haven’t learnt to work collectively instead of handling things ourselves.  You will need to work with others to challenge violence in your community.  Working together means building trust and skills to communicate, set goals and co-operate.

What can you do about it?

• Take time to talk, share opinions, uncover differences and things you agree on with those involved in the intervention
• Make sure that important decisions are shared and agreed on by everyone involved in the intervention, including goals, bottom-lines, safety plans and how you will communicate
• Check out How do you work together as a team for allies , for the person harmed, for the person causing harm and How are you doing for allies, for the person harmed, for the person causing harm for tools to help work together and keep on track.

The risk and level of violence may change throughout the intervention.  The most dangerous time is usually when the person doing harm feels like they might lose power and control, like when the person harmed starts looking for help, when other people get involved, or when they try to leave the relationship.

What can you do about it?

• See this as a time for careful preparation and action, not as a reason to freeze, minimise the violence or stop doing anything
• Get information from people who know the situation and the person doing harm, and use that information to imagine what dangers could happen and what you can do to lessen risk
• Plan for extreme, worst-case situations while hoping for more positive outcomes
• Check out How do you stay safe for allies, for the person harmed, for the person causing harm for tools and more information.

Everybody wants a quick fix.  Unfortunately, change takes time, moves forward and backward, and things often get worse before they get better.

People have learnt their patterns of violence over their whole life.  Behaviour has built up over time, and has likely been repeated many times.  Changing that behaviour takes time, patience and firmness.  You may feel like giving up if your first efforts don’t go well.  You may also want to stop if something seems to work.  Real change means not giving up at the first failure, and not declaring success too soon.

What can you do about it?

• Know that it will take time—if no-one feels prepared to support the person causing harm over time, think about what goals are achievable (See What do you want? for allies, for the person harmed, for the person causing harm)
• Expect resistance, withstand the dodging and delaying, and outlast them to reduce those tactics over time
• Let people take breaks. It’s normal to feel frustrated, impatient and over it.  Be easy on each other
• Build support (people to talk to, time to vent, grieve, play, share food, etc) for everyone in the intervention: the person harmed, everyone affected by violence, the person doing harm and those working to end the violence
• Celebrate successes, and be honest about what went wrong or can be improved.

Think about a time someone confronted you and made a difference in your life.  Small but honest confrontations can help us to think differently, and maybe change our behaviour.

Confronting violence can be scary, even saying something kind.  The person may feel embarrassed or angry.  You might worry about making things worse.  Telling someone how you feel and what you know is a risk. 

What can you do about it?

Think about what you want to say, for example:

• You know what is happening, or you can see that something is wrong
• You care
• You are worried
• You feel powerless or confused
• You have been responsible for creating the situation or for making it worse
• You know what’s happening is difficult and confusing
• They are not alone, you are there for them
• Their behaviour is not okay, and you will support them to change
• You need help.

Mental illness

Mental illness is common.  Many people suffer from mental ill health.  Violence is a major cause of mental illness.  Interpersonal violence and mental illness can happen at the same time.   There are people with a mental illness who are causing harm; there are people with a mental illness who are being harmed; there are people with a mental illness who are violence free, healthy and supportive friends, whānau and partners.

Some mental illness can increase the likelihood of violent behaviour, but that isn’t usually the problem in interpersonal violence.  Mental illness does not cause controlling, abusive relationships.  Some mental illness can increase the risk of abusive patterns, but violence that is caused by mental illness will affect all areas of a person’s life, all relationships.  If someone is only hurting certain people—like their partner, children, their employees, women who are drunk—then the problem isn’t mental illness.  They are choosing when to be violent.

• Does the person causing harm yell at everyone (their boss, co-workers, friends, team-mates, whānau), or only some people (their partner, their employees, children)?
• Does the person causing harm try to control everyone’s relationships, where they go and what they do, or only some people’s?
• Does the person causing harm hit everyone, or only some people?
• Does the person causing harm pressure everyone to do things they don’t want, or only some people?
• Does the person causing harm insult and disrespect everyone, or only some people?
• Does the person causing harm threaten everyone who disagrees with them, or only some people?
• Does the person causing harm hurt people no matter who is watching, or only in private?

If the person causing harm is choosing who they hurt and when they hurt them, then they are not out of control.  They may have a mental illness, but that isn’t the problem, and it isn’t an excuse for abuse.   Abuse is a choice they are making in order to maintain power and control over someone else. 

Supporting people to better mental health may help them choose to end violence, but it is important to remember that abusive behaviour and mental illness are two different things.

Mental illness can make people more vulnerable to abuse, and can make it harder to get help.  People with a mental illness may be more vulnerable to violence.  You may be targeted by people who are violent.  You may find it difficult to ask for support, and you may need support that people in your community don’t think they can provide.  You may feel shame, you may change your mind—asking for and rejecting support.  You may be in denial about what is happening.  This is also true of anyone who is being hurt.

If you are supporting the person harmed it is important to be patient, compassionate and consistent.

Loveisrespect.org has tools and information about relationship violence and mental illness and depression.  

The Resources section has a list of agencies that may have support. 

The Ministry of Health has a list of places for support and a 24/7 mental health ‘need to talk’ number (1737) for talking or texting to a counsellor about any mental health or addiction issues.

Substance abuse

Substance use is common.  Many people use substances including legal and illegal drugs and alcohol.

Substance use can increase the likelihood of violent behaviour, or can be used to excuse violence.  Some people blame drugs and alcohol for the harm they have caused, not taking responsibility for what they did when they were out of it.  Some people use drugs and alcohol as an excuse knowing that they will hurt someone.  When people who cause harm stop using drugs and alcohol, they are often still violent.

Drugs and alcohol do not cause violence, but they can increase levels of violence.  They can make it hard to support people or to be part of a process of accountability.  This doesn’t mean that community-based interventions to violence won’t work.

Drug and alcohol use can mean that people have fewer strong relationships, making it harder to convince them to choose to end violence.  It can make it harder to see the consequences of their behaviour.  It can make it harder for changes to stick.

What can you do about it?

• If you are supporting a person who is being harmed who also has a mental illness or substance abuse issue, you should learn about those issues. Try to work in a group, keeping track of what is going on and supporting each other.  Organisations, groups and other resources that help with mental illness or substance abuse may help, and may work with the values and approach on this website.  Groups and resources that talk about ‘harm reduction’ may be the most helpful.
• If you are supporting a person doing harm who also has a mental illness or substance abuse issue, you should learn about those issues, and how they affect violence and ability to take responsibility. Groups that talk about ‘harm reduction’ may be most helpful.  Love is respect has information and resources that might help.
• When someone is causing harm and also has a mental illness or substance abuse problem, accountability can include self-care and support to get help for violence and for mental illness or substance abuse.

Accountability can’t make the original harm go away. It can’t do the impossible, but it can lead to healing, repair and positive change.  Think about what you want out of an intervention—is it that the harm didn’t happen?  If so, no amount of accountability or responsibility will ever feel like enough.

What can you do about it?

Think about how to accept that harm happened, and use accountability to acknowledge that harm and move towards repair and change so that it doesn’t happen again.

Forgiveness is not necessary for accountability and is not a helpful goal.  Forgiveness is a sincere feeling of an individual and community.  Pressure to forgive can be a form of power and control.