Are you hurting someone or in a pattern of hurting people? Do you want to stop hurting people? Has someone you care about told you that you need to stop hurting them?
The person you hurt could be your partner, parent, child or another family member, they might be a flatmate, friend, someone you just met, co-worker, or someone else.
Taking responsibility for your violence and choosing to change (taking accountability) is important work, and it is very hard to do by yourself. You deserve support, and you will need it. It may be hard to find people who want to support you without letting you off the hook. If you genuinely want to stop your violence, look for people who won’t make excuses for you—they are unlikely to be your close friends.
This toolkit has resources to help you find support to change and be responsible for the harm you have caused.
If you have found this website by yourself, and you are working out what to do without support, there are tools here that can help work out what is most urgent for you (see the topics below).
If you already have lots of support, for example if you’re part of a community or whānau that wants to do something about the violence, this website can help you work out a plan for your situation.
Either way, a good place to start is How can you take accountability, which has tools and information about stopping and being responsible for the harm you have caused. Reading about the approach on this website might make an accountability process less scary, and help you resist the urge to avoid or control the process.
Introducing the model
Every response to violence is different, this isn’t a step-by-step model to follow. Your intervention (people responding to your violence) might be simple and short-term, or longer and more involved. You might only need one or two tools to work out what you need to do, or you might work through all of the topics and tools.
You don’t need to read everything. Find the tools or information that help you. Focus on what is most urgent and what people are asking you to do.
We’ve noticed that responses to violence have four main phases, with a slightly different focus at each phase. We’ve arranged the questions that people want help with into 8 topics.
Phases of an intervention