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Quick Exit

  • 1. Read the Basics section

    Interpersonal violence is complicated.  Many of us don’t really understand it or what to do about it.  Read the Basics about violence section for a clearer picture of what is going on.  The Basics about violence intervention section shares lessons Creative Interventions have learned from responding to violence.

     

    Share this information with others who may be in a situation of violence and need resources to help them work out what to do.

    2. Asking for support is hard

    The person who was harmed may fear judgment from others, or more violence from you.  They may blame themselves.   They may have asked for help and been knocked back or ignored.  All of this makes it difficult to talk about violence and ask for help. 

     

    You can make it easier for them by admitting harm, managing your feelings, getting support to change, and not allowing anyone to support you by undermining the person you hurt.

    3. Don’t promise more than you can give

    You may want to promise many things when you feel guilty, ashamed or under pressure to be a good person. Think about what you can do—your time, your energy, your ability, your own safety.  Work with others if there are people who want to support you to do what is asked.

     

    If you promise something that you can’t follow through on, talk honestly and take responsibility.

     

    If you start to blame others for your inability to follow through with what you said, take a step back.  Be honest with yourself about how it feels to let somebody down.  Don’t cover up guilt or embarrassment with blame.

    4. Think of support as a partnership

    If you are asked to do something, you may want to refuse, stall or run away.  Or you might want to take over and show that you are a good person.  Good support is a partnership, where you are standing side-by-side.  If something is asked of you, think about whether you can do it, and try to do just that.

    5. The person you hurt understands how they were harmed

    The person who was harmed is the only person who knows the full extent and effect of the violence.  When they talk about what happened, you might feel threatened and defensive about losing control of how your relationship or behaviour is seen by others.  You may want to ‘tell your side’. 

     

    Your understanding of what you did and why is less important than the effect it had on the person you hurt.  Only they can speak about that.

    6. Community-based intervention works best when the person who was harmed is involved

    Many interventions are started or led by the person who was harmed.  Other times, they may not want to be involved.  There are different ways they can participate:

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    1. Leading the intervention

    2. Actively involved

    3. Checking in regularly to get information and give feedback

    4. Getting information infrequently about what has been done and how the it’s going

    5. Only hearing the final outcome.

    7. Supporting the person who was harmed continues throughout an intervention

    Supporting the person who was harmed is important and should be part of the plan, including someone who will check in with them throughout the process.  They will likely want to know what is going on and they may need different support at different times.

    8. Your relationships with people who are supporting the person you hurt will be affected

    People you are close to may be supporting the person you hurt, and they may not feel able to support you at the same time.  Friends may not feel able to spend time with you at all.  By supporting the person you hurt, they are helping you too.  Think about how they are helping you, and appreciate the people who choose to support you to change.  Showing that you are committed to change and stopping violence will help rebuild these relationships.

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Other sections that can help

Tools to help you stop violence and take responsibility for the harm you’ve caused are in How do you take accountability.

 

Tools to understand the harm experienced by the person who was hurt are in What is going on.

 

Who can help can be used to find the right people to support the person who was harmed.  Tools to co-ordinate their support with the rest of the intervention are in How do you work together.

 

Setting goals for supporting the person you hurt are in What do you want.  Tools to think about safety as a form of support are in How do you stay safe.

The tools and how to use them

This topic is on the importance of supporting the person who was harmed, and has tools to think about what support best meets their needs.  Remember, the best way for you to support them might be to focus on ending and taking responsibility for your violence (see How do you take accountability).

 

What does the person who was harmed need? Checklist has types of support they might want or need.  It includes things that they might feel unable or afraid to ask for.  You may be able to offer some of these.

 

There are different ways the person you hurt might be involved in the intervention, Participation of the person who was harmed in an intervention chart shows some of these. 

Tools and examples

Real story: Getting support from my co-workers

  • Supporting people who were harmed can look many different ways.  This tool has types of support that people who were harmed have said were helpful.

    If you are the person harmed, this list is good to share with allies (add your own ideas too).

    Ways to support someone who was harmed

    ☐ Making a human connection

    ☐ Letting them know someone cares

    ☐ Listening to their story

    ☐ Asking what they need

    ☐ Helping get what they need

    ☐ Reminding them that interpersonal violence happens to lots of people

    ☐ Praising them for everything they do about their situation of harm, including talking

    ☐ Letting them know they’re not alone

    ☐ Things you can offer:

    ☐ Listening ear

    ☐ Patience when they can’t make a decision, are confused, change their mind, repeat themselves

    ☐ Someone to lean on, a hand to hold through fear, shame, confusion, depression, embarrassment

    ☐ Sounding board—to listen and offer feedback, and only give advice if asked

    ☐ Safety (See How do you stay safe)

    ☐ Medical care

    ☐ Mental health care or counselling

    ☐ Spiritual support

    ☐ Companionship

    ☐ Supporting children or other dependents—childcare, child pick-up, activities with children, emotional support for children who may be going through a hard time too

    ☐ Taking care of pets, plants or others they usually care for

    ☐ Helping others to be good allies—trusted friends, family members, neighbours, co-workers, community members

    ☐ Protecting them from people who bring risk or harm, and people who want to be helpful but aren’t

    ☐ Supporting the person doing harm to take accountability, if you can (See How do we support accountability)

    ☐ Taking accountability if you are the person who caused harm (See How can you take accountability)

    ☐ Help finding and connecting them to resources

    ☐ Help with housing or safe shelter

    ☐ Help moving, storing things, packing, unpacking

    ☐ Help with rides/transportation, access to telephone or internet

    ☐ Help with other necessary things (clothes, food, money, transport, etc)

    ☐ Help figuring out how they want to talk about what is happening, what they need, and what they want to prioritise

    ☐ Help with translation, interpretation (for non-English or limited English speakers or hearing or visually impaired), and issues working with service providers

    ☐ Help figuring out ways around systems like police, criminal justice, immigration, or child welfare

    ☐ Help them use this website

    ☐ Become familiar with this website

    ☐ Introduce them to the website in a way that is useful, like reading pieces, printing pages, translating useful information

    ☐ Introduce other allies to the website in a way that is useful

    ☐ Play a role as an ally (See Who can help)

  • If the person who was harmed wants to be involved, interventions that include them work better and are safer.  This chart helps sort out what level of their involvement best describes your intervention process, or what you would like your process to be.

    Chart. Participation levels of the person who was harmed

    Involvement of the person who was harmed and priority
    Leadership and the person who was harmed
    Intervention goals and the person who was harmed
    Co-ordination and decisions and the person who was harmed
    Communication and the person who was harmed
    Highest level of involvement and priority
    Person who was harmed leads the intervention
    The intervention takes on the goals of the person who was harmed
    Person who was harmed makes the decisions and leads a group of allies
    Person who was harmed is making all decisions so knows all information, decides what to communicate with other allies or person doing harm
    Priority, but thinking about others too
    Person who was harmed leads the intervention, others have important roles like facilitator or co-ordinator
    Goals of the person who was harmed are the priority, with group input and agreement with goals
    Person who was harmed is involved in all decisions, and there are processes for input from others
    Person who was harmed knows all information and is involved in all decisions; a group also has information and is part of decisions
    Important, but balanced with others
    Some sort of shared leadership, even if the person harmed started the process, or if there is a main facilitator or co-ordinator
    Goals of the person who was harmed are central, group input and others’ goals have been included and group consensus reached
    A group is co-ordinating decision-making, which includes the person who was harmed as a contributor
    Group process for sharing information and communicating with everyone, including the person who was harmed
    Important, but role is mostly to give feedback
    Person who was harmed isn’t very involved in the intervention, but gives feedback
    Person who was harmed agrees with and helped set goals, the group may decide whether they are involved in changes to goals
    Person who was harmed isn’t very involved, but has agreed to a process for giving feedback
    Person who was harmed isn’t very involved, but there is a process and time for sharing information and getting feedback
    Person who was harmed agrees but not involved*
    Person who was harmed agrees with the intervention, but isn’t involved
    Person who was harmed might help set goals and agree with them, might decide whether to be involved in changes to goals
    Person who was harmed is not involved in co-ordination or decisions
    Person who was harmed might be given information at agreed times, like the end of the intervention
    Person who was harmed disagrees and is not involved*
    Person who was harmed disagrees with the intervention and isn’t involved
    Person who was harmed disagrees, but the group thinks about what they want or might want, especially for safety
    Person who was harmed is not involved in co-ordination or decisions
    Person who was harmed disagrees. They might be given some information so they know what is happening with the intervention
    Person who was harmed is not involved at all*
    The person who was harmed isn’t available
    Group includes known or likely goals of the person who was harmed, especially for safety
    Person who was harmed is not involved in co-ordination or decisions
    Person who was harmed might be given information so they know what is happening with the intervention

    *What if the person who was harmed is not involved?

    In the last three rows, the person who was harmed is not involved in the intervention.  For example, they may want to move on, they may be scared or in hiding.  The person harmed might not be connected or known, they may be too young to be involved, or unwell, they might have died. 


    But the intervention goes ahead because others decide they have to respond to what happened.  For example, organisations often have policies about responding to abuse, a whānau might want to deal with a whanaunga’s behaviour, some people will feel like they either have to drop their friend or support them to change.  


    Even though it’s better if the person harmed is involved, it is possible to respond to violence with little or no involvement from them.  The intervention still has responsibility to support them and try not to add to their harm.  This can include:

    • Making sure they know how to join at any time, and the process to check in with them

    • Including their goals or likely goals

    • Offering support listed in What does the person who was harmed need? Checklist

    • Someone representing them, like a partner, close friend, parent or other whanaunga

    • Offering an updates on the intervention, like:

      • Things the person doing harm or the community that allowed harm have been asked to do

      • What kind of follow-up the person or community doing harm will do

      • Results of the intervention at agreed times (like weekly, monthly, after anything important happens or at the end of an intervention).

What support does the person who was hurt want?

This topic focuses on the needs of the person who was harmed—their needs according to them, not what you or anyone else thinks they need.  You might be asked to support the person who was harmed, or you might have nothing to do with this part of the intervention.  You might find it hard to give up control—listen to what is being asked of you, and try to do just that.  Reading this topic might help you to understand the situation better.  Another topic, How do you take accountability,  focuses on what you need.

What is this topic about?

Providing for the health, safety and other needs and wants of the person who has been harmed.  This may include their children, whānau, pets and others who rely on them and whose health and safety may be affected.  It may also include others, so the person harmed can focus on their own needs and wants. 

 

The focus is slightly different at each phase.

Why is it important?

Isolation, shame, self-blame and blame by others are common with interpersonal violence.  Supporting people who have been harmed can be the first step in doing something about the harms that violence brings. 

 

Responses to violence are often complicated by feelings for the person hurting them, they may fear that getting help will hurt you.  The person you hurt may fear losing you, that you will be arrested, lose your job, or that others will judge you.

  • The tools in this topic can support people who have been harmed to talk about what happened and what they want. 

    Key Questions

    • What violence or abuse did the person you hurt experience?

    • What harms have resulted?

    • What do they think will help?

    • Who can best give this support?

    • How are they getting on-going support?

  • The person who was harmed may lead this phase, or others may lead it, supporting them to be involved and checking in to make sure they know what is being planned and that they are getting the support they need.

    Key Questions

    • How does the person who was harmed want to be involved in the intervention?

    • What kind of support do they think they need?

    • Who can best offer this support?

    • How are they getting on-going support?

  • The person who was harmed may lead this phase.  If not, those involved should still be checking in with them to make sure they know what is being planned and that they are getting the support they need.

    Key Questions

    • How is the person who was harmed involved in the intervention?

    • How is the intervention affecting them?

    • What kind of support do they need?

    • Who can best offer this support?

    • How are they getting on-going support?

  • The person who was harmed may have led the intervention or been actively involved throughout.  They may be the best person to say when the intervention is over, and how successful it has been.  Whether they were involved or not, this is a good time for them to think about what future support they need, how safe they are, and the long-term effects of the intervention.

    Key Questions

    • Was there enough support for the person who was harmed throughout the intervention?

    • What kind of support was offered?

    • What was most helpful?

    • What kind of support do they need now?

    • How are they getting on-going support?

    • Believing them

    • Listening to them, their story, concerns and needs

    • Empathising

    • Offering advice or feedback only when they ask for it (remembering that they understand what is best for them, and might not do what you suggest)

    • Being patient when they need to talk, when they repeat themself, when they change their mind, when they don’t know what they want, when they want reassurance

    • Being a sounding board to help them work out what they want and need

    • Helping them sort through mixed feelings and confusions, like:

      • Whether they are in danger

      • How they feel about you

      • What they want to do about the harm

      • Whether they want to keep up a relationship with you

      • How they feel about anyone confronting you

      • Whether they want other people to know what happened

    • Emotional support

    • Safety

    • Companionship

    • Help going to meetings or appointments

    • Help thinking of safe and trusted allies

    • Help with housing, childcare, transportation, food, money and other needs

    • Contacting other allies

    • Educating other allies

    • Help building a network of support

    • Supporting them through the intervention

    • Being reliable

    • Being careful with their stories and information, sharing only information that needs to be shared, with people who are safe or agreed on

    • helping them with this website.

  • The greatest support you can give might be taking accountability for the harm you have caused.  See How can you take accountability for a better idea of what that means, how you can be accountable, and how you can offer good support to the person you hurt and others.  Think about how taking accountability helps you as well.

     

    It is possible for you to have a role in supporting the person you hurt.  Your idea of support may not be the same as the person you harmed.  You may want to support them in ways that they don’t want.  If they don’t want it, it isn’t support.  Part of taking accountability is shifting from thinking about yourself to thinking about others.  It can be hard.

    About community allies

    Community allies (whānau, friends, neighbours, co-workers, community members) may be people you know well, or someone brought in with specific skills, experience or relationships that will help.  There are probably people offering support to the person who was harmed—that might be the focus of the intervention.  There might not be anyone who wants to support you, and you will need to find your own support to change. 

    About the person harmed

    The person who was harmed knows best what they want and need. 

    About the facilitator

    This toolkit works best with a facilitator.  They may be a friend, whanaunga or community member.  They may be a helpful professional or someone working in an organisation who is willing to work with the values and approach behind this model.

     

    This is a unique approach to dealing with violence and may be unfamiliar to people used to working with violence.  It may even be against their policies.  Your group can share this website with people who could be a facilitator and see if they are comfortable with this approach.

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