How do you take accountability?
What is accountability?
The ability to recognise, end and take responsibility for violence. We focus on the accountability of the person doing harm. The information and tools can also help communities that have ignored, caused or been part of causing harm.
Accountability will usually begin with confronting you—stepping in to stop the violence, or talking to you about what has happened and why it needs to stop. Even if this first confrontation takes place with love, compassion and support, you will likely feel defensive. You may want to deny it, minimise (play down your violence) and blame the person you hurt; you may feel angry, you may want to hurt people.
The process of taking accountability is usually difficult and long. The first goal may be stopping your violence. This might include others putting pressure on you, or even using force. How you participate and your willingness to take accountability may change. Even if you react badly at the start, you can turn it around and try again. You can show that you are bigger than your mistakes.
Accountability isn’t a goal for every intervention. The intervention may focus on the person you hurt. There might not be people who want to work with you. It might not feel safe enough to them, or your violence may be so awful that no-one will work with you. You can still take responsibility for your behaviour. Listen to what is being asked of you. Use this website, find help (see Who can help) and other resources.
Taking accountability looks different at each stage.
Accountability means many things
Accountability involves listening, learning, taking responsibility and changing. It means making opportunities in our whānau and communities for direct communication, understanding and repairing harm, sharing power and rebuilding relationships.
Accountability is complex. People have different ideas about what it is and what it looks like. It is often linked to punishment, ‘paying’ for what someone did, even going to prison. On this website, accountability is about responsibility and change, not punishment or revenge. Violence causes fear, anger and outrage, which are strong emotions for change. But change also needs to come from our values. It can be driven by connection and care rather than fear and anger alone.
Your choice to change is key. For change to be real, you need to want and act to change.
Interpersonal violence usually happens in our whānau, friendship networks, neighbourhoods and communities. It happens among people we know, sometimes among those we are closest to. Accountability is a way to keep our communities whole, safe and healthy, rather than a way to punish, separate and send away.
Accountability does NOT mean that the person you hurt needs to forgive you. It doesn’t mean that an apology will be enough. Nor does it mean that relationships or families need to stay together.
It is a way to:
-
Stop violence
-
Acknowledge violence
-
Acknowledge the harms resulting from violence, even if unintended
-
Repair those harms
-
Change the attitudes and actions responsible for the violence
-
Become a healthy member of your community.
Your accountability may not be part of an intervention about harm you caused, or it may be a main goal.
Accountability will usually start with some kind of communication with you. Even if that communication is with love, compassion and support, it will be hard. You may feel resistance, or you may feel relieved. Taking accountability is usually long and hard. Ideally the process will allow you to deal with your feelings, while staying firm enough to support you taking accountability.
Key Questions
-
What could make the violence stop?
-
What could prevent further violence?
-
Who or what do you care about?
-
The people involved in the intervention who are talking with you or supporting you will have been helping you make good decisions. They may have set goals, and want to focus on specific harms, specific things they want you to do, and the consequences if you don’t. Someone may have been chosen to work with you. They may not be someone you would choose, but they may be the best person for you. If you can’t work with them, think about who would be good to challenge you to be accountable and how you can fit in with the intervention. How can you make the process easier and safer for them and you?
Key Questions
-
What are your goals for ending and taking responsibility for your violence?
-
What reparations are requested and offered?
-
Who is offering support and connection?
-
This can include:
-
Someone spending time with you
-
Talking about the intervention, the expectations, and the possible outcomes
-
Supporting you through a process of change
-
Finding and using resources
-
A process for you to hear from others about your accountability.
Key Questions
-
Is the team supporting a process towards accountability?
-
Are there people you are connected with?
-
Did you stop the violence?
-
Did you acknowledge the violence?
-
Did you acknowledge the harms caused?
-
Are you working towards repairs?
-
Are your attitudes and actions shifting?
-
If the intervention goals have been met, following up can focus on maintaining the changes and checking-in to make sure you don’t return to violence.
Sometimes not all of the goals will be met but you still feel like the intervention was successful. Following up may include working out what was successful, what still needs to be done and how that will happen.
Whatever happens with the intervention, you can plan how you will continue to take accountability for your behaviour.
Key Questions
-
Have you stopped your violence?
-
Has future violence been prevented?
-
Do you feel responsible for your violence?
-
Have you followed up to repair the harm?
-
Do you have a long-term plan for accountability?
-
In the short-term, you might:
-
Stop using violence
-
Slow down and listen to understand how your actions are affecting those around you
-
Repair the harm your actions have caused
-
Try new ways of thinking and behaving
-
Get support and encouragement for your efforts and successes.
As a long-term, life-long process, you might aim to:
-
Understand how your behaviour hurts you and the people you care about
-
Grow confidence to face your imperfections without hiding behind violence and controlling behaviour, and move away from patterns that harm
-
Grow your ability to feel emotions without acting them out
-
Practise honourable, mana-enhancing behaviour
-
Humbly support others around you to do the same
-
Learn from mistakes and set-backs
-
Practise self-awareness and reflection to build mutually supportive relationships.
Examples of taking accountability:
-
Being confronted about your violence
-
Experiencing and understanding that violence has natural consequences (for example, scaring your whānau, your friends and children avoiding you)
-
Stopping or reducing violence, even if you are doing it under pressure from others
-
Listening to the person who was harmed talk about their experience of your violence without being defensive or interrupting
-
Acknowledging the reality of your violence for the person who was harmed, even if it wasn’t what you intended
-
Acknowledging that your violence was your choice, not caused by anyone else
-
Sincere apology, taking responsibility, and showing care to the person you harmed
-
Giving repairs to the person harmed (eg, financial, service or replacement of property)
-
Taking every step possible to make sure that these harms will not happen again
-
Understanding that any future violence will have negative consequences for you
-
Telling others about your violence to stop hiding it, to ask for support in changing, to show that taking accountability is honourable
-
Understanding how your violence fits into systems of oppression that you may benefit from (like patriarchy, colonisation, white supremacy, ableism, homophobia, etc)
-
Choosing to do something about the causes of your violence, to learn new skills and to transform violent behaviours
-
Showing changes in good times
-
Showing changes in hard and stressful times
-
Supporting others who have used violence to take accountability.
-
Imagine accountability as a staircase—you can take one step at a time, and measure progress at each step. Your journey might be more of a dance—working on more than one step at a time, sometimes moving from one step to another and back again.
Even if the intervention ends before you have completed the staircase, you can keep working on it, setting goals, doing what you need to do to become safer.
Step 6 Become a healthy member of your community
Step 5 Change harmful attitudes and behaviours so that violence is not repeated
Step 4 Make repairs for the harm
Step 3 Recognise the consequences of violence without excuses, even if unintended
Step 2 Recognise the violence
Step 1 Stop immediate violenceAccountability doesn’t have to be punishing, painful or scary. It can be encouraging, firm and practical. It can feel like a relief. Accountability can help you be seen and understood by those around you. It can help you feel less alone, and to build the kinds of relationships you want.
If you decide you don’t want to be accountable, if you try to sabotage the intervention, or hurt people involved, the intervention can still be successful. It will be more successful if you are brave enough to take accountability. It is a chance for you to use the support that is offered to change.
Accountability is long, hard and sometimes dangerous, which is why this topic is so long. You might feel like it is too hard sometimes, you might resist accountability, you might feel like you’ve done enough already, you might feel like you’ve done too much damage. But you can keep trying.
This website invites you to be part of change. It requires that you accept change as a goal.
If you have caused harm we hope you have people to support you to change.
Support can be hard to find. Use the tools and information on this website to help figure out what to do. If someone is already asking you to change or is offering support, then use this website along with that support to take accountability.
You may be able to find support through local stopping violence groups or other resources to give you additional help (see Resources).
If no local help is available, look through the resources section for other help and information.
Changing your violence may not bring back relationships you have lost. The person you harmed may never forgive you or trust you again. But others might, and you will too.
About the person who was harmed
You may still be in a relationship with the person you harmed, your relationship may have ended, or you may never have been close. They may be part of the intervention, they may not be involved, they may even be opposed to it. All of this will affect what they want and need from the intervention and from you.
About community allies
Community allies are especially important for this work. Good people to work with are those who share the values and goals of the intervention, who you care about and respect, and who have a long-term commitment to supporting your change.
About the facilitator
This toolkit works best with a facilitator. They may be a friend, whanaunga or community member. They may be a helpful professional or someone working in an organisation who is willing to work with the values and approach behind this model.
This is a unique approach to dealing with violence and may be unfamiliar to people used to working with violence. It may even be against their policies. Your group can share this website with people who could be a facilitator and see if they are comfortable with this approach.
Why is it important?
Communities working together can overcome violence. Each of us is capable of change. Imagining accountability as a staircase of change means you can value any step that leads towards the end of violence. Each step moves towards community well-being and freedom from violence.
1. Accountability is a process
We see accountability as a staircase. It is hard to take responsibility in the middle of violence. Your first task is stopping violence.
You may be ready and willing to take responsibility for your actions and change your behaviour. Or you may resist. If you are defensive at the start, hopefully you will find the strength to overcome that resistance, and allow the process to support you to take accountability and change.
Sometimes violence has to be stopped before any other action can take place. Sometimes it must be stopped immediately to prevent harm, injury or death. At those times, taking accountability may begin with force. This is self-defence.
Even then, you can choose to take accountability. No matter how badly you act or how much you resist taking accountability at the start, you can change. It is easier with support.
2. The type of relationship is important
What kind of violent situation are you in?
Are you in a close relationship with the person you hurt? Do you want to stay in that relationship? Do you share community or have on-going contact with them? Do you even know each other?
3. Make sure that you stay connected with the intervention
People may be uncomfortable working with you on your violence. They might put off or forget to tell you what’s going on, they might want to communicate with you in the least personal ways, like email or text. Try to stay connected to someone in the intervention who can let you know what’s happening and what’s expected of you.
4. Keep an eye on safety
If you are feeling angry or unable to think about anything else, if you want to bring people down or hurt them, think about what you can do to be safe. Is there someone you trust who will help you calm down or stay grounded? Can you reach out to a stopping violence programme or a counsellor?
You may also become a target for harm, and need to think about how you stay safe from others.
5. Focus on accountability for violence, not for everything you’ve ever done wrong
Taking accountability for your violence is just that. You are not perfect and you don’t need to be. Guilt can be paralysing. You are more likely to stop harmful behaviour if you focus on that behaviour without getting distracted by every other thing you’ve done wrong.
6. Seek out the middle ground
Don’t expect too much or too little of yourself. Accountability is hard. It is unlikely that you will be ready to take accountability for the harm you caused and turn your life around the moment you are confronted about it. It may feel too hard, or you may think you have already done enough. Give yourself time to do the right thing. Prepare yourself for a long process.
7. Focus on what YOU can do
People asked to take accountability often dodge and give advice about how the process could be better or what other people should be doing. It is easier than being honest about what you have done and need to do. If you have harmed someone, your focus should be on what you can do to take accountability.
8. Bigger accountability goals aren’t usually better
If your goals for accountability are small, it isn’t because you are weak or not allowing room for transformation. Set some goals you know you can achieve based on what is being asked of you and who you want to be. When you meet those goals, set another one, and then another after that. Show yourself that you can make good choices.
9. You may feel like you are the victim
We know from Basics about violence that even when it is obvious, many people will choose to deny the violence or blame the victim. Often, a person who has caused harm is very sensitive to losing control over someone. In close relationships, when a person who has been hurt stands up for themselves, names the violence, tries to protect themselves in some way, or leaves, the person causing harm might feel hurt and confused. You may genuinely think you are the victim.
Read the Basics about violence and try to be honest with yourself. Are you more afraid of the other person, or are they more afraid of you? Do you try to control their behaviour even when it has nothing to do with you, or are you trying to stay safe from their violence? You may both be hurting each other. This means the intervention may ask the person you have hurt to take accountability for the harm they caused too—you are still responsible for the harm you caused.
10. Imperfect behaviour by the person you hurt does NOT excuse violence
The person you hurt isn’t perfect. You may have stories of them behaving badly—you still need to take accountability for the harm you caused.
11. Direct communication is often a good place to start
Sometimes an intervention is needed, other times the best place to start is direct communication. It may be an intervention on a small scale, where the person you hurt has support to talk to you. They might ask you to listen without excuses, interruptions or arguments while they tell you what you did, the effects and how they felt. They might ask you to think about what they said and get together later to talk about it. You might get help to understand the problem and what to do next.
Looking through and using tools in this topic, might help too.
12. People doing harm aren’t all the same
What do you think about violence or hurting people? How you feel about your violence affects how likely to you are to take accountability and change. Do any of these sound like you?
-
“My friends and I think my violence is normal. I have no problem with it, I have a problem with someone who challenges it.”
-
“I think my violence is normal. Maybe others don’t, but I don’t care what they think.”
-
“I am not strong enough to admit or handle shame without hurting someone.”
-
“I blame my violence on other people. I feel embarrassed and know that my violence isn’t okay, but I’ll never admit it to anyone, even if sometimes I wish I could.”
-
“I mostly blame my violence on other people, but I have at rare times admitted embarrassment or shame about it. Even though I blame others, I sometimes wonder if it’s my fault, but I would never admit this to others.”
-
“I usually blame my violence on other people. Sometimes I can see that it’s my fault and even admit it. But I hate feeling like that or being blamed, so sooner or later, I blame other people again. I only change for a short while and, over time, never really change.”
-
“I believe that violence isn’t good. I take some responsibility for my violent actions but am quick to get defensive. I want to change but the thought of what it might take to change makes me uncomfortable.”
-
“I don’t want to hurt others, and I feel shame about what is happening. I need some help, but I don’t know how to get it, or I don’t believe anyone knows how to help me.”
-
“I realise that my behaviour has a cost that is higher than I’d like to pay. I’d like to change.”
-
“I have done things that I didn’t think I ever would, they aren’t who I am. I may be afraid of change, but I am willing to take the challenge and do whatever I need to do to make that change.”
Does that tell you anything about what you need to do to take accountability?
13. Do you want to change—what would it take?
Can you use the things you care about to help you make better choices? Who do you want on your side? Who do you care about? What would it take to be the person you want them to see you as?
14. Who are the best people to help you to take accountability?
Taking accountability is hard. You may feel cornered, shamed and exposed. It may remind you of other threatening situations. Or it may be the first time you have been named as someone causing harm, which can also feel threatening.
Look for opportunities to be honest with people to learn and change, and not run away when accountability gets hard. Who can help you with this?
It’s easier to take accountability with the support of others. Who can support you to choose accountability and change? (See Allies to work with the person doing harm Chart for tips on finding allies to work with you) It may not be the people who want to look after you. It probably won’t be your closest friends if they’ve never talked to you about your behaviour before.
15. No matter how much you’ve resisted taking responsibility, you can still choose to be accountable and to change
Most of us struggle with accountability—it can feel like rejection, a threat or just unfair. Even if we apologise and are accountable, we often want to slip out of full accountability.
Avoiding accountability includes:
-
Leaving the community, relationship or organisation to avoid responsibility
-
Showing change early on to get people onside—then going back to old behaviour when there’s less pressure
-
Hoping people forget
-
Hoping people feel sorry for you so they leave you alone or blame others
-
Making people scared of you or your anger
-
Making people depend on you so they feel too guilty or scared to challenge you
-
Stalling
-
Distracting
-
Blaming others
-
Blaming your past
-
Blaming the person you hurt
-
Blaming those trying to hold you accountable
-
Making the accountability process be the problem, not your harmful attitudes and behaviours
-
Controlling the accountability process.
If you want to do these things, think about what you are feeling—are you avoiding shame, anger or hurt? Let yourself feel it. Talk about it with someone you trust, who will support you to change. Try not to act on those feelings. If you do act out, start again.
Long lasting change won’t happen with one conversation and it probably won’t be straight-forward. Keep trying.
16. There are consequences to using violence
The consequences of using violence include losing people’s respect and trust, losing status and positions of responsibility, and losing relationships and friends. You may lose your home and community. You risk losing others’ compassion, favours, even your job. You may feel regret, sadness, fear and loss. These are costs of causing harm and suffering.
17. Look out for shifting targets—when an ally becomes the new enemy
When someone asks you to take responsibility for your violence, you might decide that person is the real problem. You are avoiding accountability. Try to focus on your own behaviour and not shift the blame to someone else.
18. You may have to learn to give up control
Taking accountability may mean giving up trying to control people. Focus on what you can do.
-
Other sections that can help
A process of taking accountability often happens at the same time as supporting the person who has been harmed. See What support does the person who was harmed want for information and tools.
How do you stay safe has tools to help think about risks and plan for safety. You may want to think about how you can be safe, and how you can be safe for others to work with.
In order to think through who can help to work with and support you, see Who can help.
The tools and how to use them
This topic has long tools and stories to support you taking accountability.
Staircase of change talks more about accountability as a process. You can look at your own situation and adapt the steps to your goals.
Accountability is hard. Breaking through defensiveness Guiding Questions for the person doing harm and Preparing for direct communication, Affirmations and Guided Questions for the person doing harm. give you support to get beyond your defensiveness and take real accountability.
Bay Area Transformative Justice have a tool for thinking about who can support people to take accountability. Their Pods and pod mapping worksheet describes a simple way to think about and build support for even the hardest times.
Tools and examples
Our vision of accountability:
-
Believes that change is possible, even for those who do serious violence
-
Focuses on responsibility not punishment
-
Understands that communities as well as individuals are responsible for change
-
Sees accountability as a process of change.
Process of change as a staircase
One way of understanding the process of change is as a staircase.
The image of a staircase tells us that:
-
Change may come one step a time
-
Each step is important
-
We might aim for the top of the staircase, but we might not reach it
-
For every situation, each step will mean different actions and changes
-
We may not be able to see the next step until the step below is reached.
Stop immediate violence (or stop it enough to go to next step)
Step 1
Recognise the violence
Step 2
Recognise the consequences of violence without excuses
Step 3
Make repairs for the harm
Step 4
Change harmful attitudes and behaviours so that violence is not repeated
Step 5
Create a healthier community
Step 6
Step 1: Stop immediate violence
The first step to change is simple. Stop violence. For some interventions, stopping the immediate violence might be the only goal.
It might mean stopping a specific act of violence from happening, or stopping it enough, so that you can talk about what the next step might be (See Stopping violence as the first step).
Sometimes the person doing harm won’t stop. You might have to use pressure, threats or force to make sure they do (See Tips to make this mahi easier for more about the use of force). This means things like asking someone to stay away or leave, explaining that there will be consequences if violence continues, or physically stopping someone from acting violently in that moment. You might need to act immediately. You might be in a situation of serious harm, injury or even death. You might be protecting children. You might not be able to get the person doing harm to agree to stop. There might not be time.
Sometimes stopping violence means getting out of harm’s way. For some, getting away from the person doing harm may be the only way to stop violence, at least in the short term.Step 2. Recognise the violence
For some people who have caused harm, admitting to violence is huge. They might not want to admit what they did. They might not even understand that they were violent.
Recognising the violence is saying, “Yes, I did these things.”.“Yes, I did hit you.”
“Yes, it’s true. I didn’t let you go to work.”
“Yes, I called you names in front of the kids.”
“Yes, I stopped you seeing your friends.”
They might still make excuses for the harm, minimise its impact, or blame someone else. They might admit the impact of what they did—how it made people feel, how it hurt others. They might not care that it harmed other people.
But they accept the fact of their violence—they name it in a similar way to the person harmed.Step 3. Recognise the effects, without excuses
Step 3 moves to recognising the effect of their violence without excuses. This includes effects they didn’t intend.
The person doing harm that reaches Step 3 has thought about what they’ve done. They’ve listened to other people’s experience of their violence and are starting to understand the effect of their attitudes and actions on others.
They’ve stopped making excuses and stopped letting you make excuses for them. They can accept the violence and abuse as their fault and their responsibility.
They’ve stopped getting angry when confronted with what they’ve done. They’ve stopped looking for sympathy and telling their side of the story.
They’re feeling sorry for what they’ve done. They are starting to deal with regret, embarrassment and shame. They have begun to accept these feelings without fighting against them, making excuses, being self-destructive or attacking other people.
They’re starting to understand that there are consequences for what they’ve done. They may have lost trust, relationships and more. They don’t blame others for losing these things, they know it is because of their attitudes and actions.
These are examples of someone starting to take accountability:
“Yes, I hit you. I hit you with my fist and tried to hit you in a place where nobody would see the mark. I kept saying and thinking it was your fault, but I now see that I had a choice. It is my fault—not yours.
“I see that by hitting you, I caused fear. I caused you to hate me, to not trust me—you might never trust me again. I caused you physical pain, but I can now see how much I hurt you at your core.
“You had to hide your bruises so nobody would see them. We pretended like nothing happened. I wouldn’t let you bring it up, threatening to hit you again if you did. Sometimes I didn’t use the words, but gave you a look so that you’d know you’d better watch it.”
“Yes, I called you names in front of the kids. I knew it would hurt you and humiliate you. Thinking back, that’s why I did it. I felt angry and took it out on you. I didn’t care if the kids were around. Maybe I wanted them to think you were a bad mother and turn against you.
“I didn’t see how much this hurt my kids. I didn’t care. I can now see how our son acts like me—terrorising his sister and calling you a b****, like I did. I can see how our daughter hates me. I blamed it on her or you, or anybody but me. I never wanted to admit that it was my fault. I was proud that my son didn’t take s*** from you and stood by me. But he’s scared of me, too.”Step 4. Make repairs for the harm.
This step is the person doing harm trying to repair the harm. Not just the quick and easy things, but things that the people hurt or the community ask for. They might also come up with their own ideas to start putting right what they’ve done.
Repair might not make up for the harm done. But they are real and symbolic attempts to make the lives of those who have been harmed better.
Repairs may be:-
Sincere apologies:
-
With specific details of the harm (Step 1 and 2)
-
Without excuses (Step 2)
-
With full acknowledgment of the effects on individuals and the community (Step 2)
-
With commitment to never repeat these harms (See Step 5)
-
Without trying to look good or for self-gain other than making repairs for harms done
-
-
Public apologies that the person who was harmed and people in the intervention agree to:
-
In person to the person who was harmed or their representative, based on what the person harmed wants
-
In person to other people affected by the violence or their representatives
-
In person to a larger group they are accountable to—whānau or friends of the person harmed, their own whānau or friends, their organisation, a wider community
-
In other forms, like skype, written letter, letter posted on a website
-
Without trying to look good or for self-gain other than making repairs for harms done
-
-
Services, like: fixing things that are broken, cooking, cleaning, making something useful, providing some work for the person harmed, the community or someone agreed on
-
Financial repairs, like: money for the people harmed, money for damages, money to pay for something valued by the people harmed, returning money taken or spent carelessly, taking over credit card payments, mortgages or debt, money for medical care or counselling, money so the person harmed can enjoy themselves
-
Committing to stop violence, and doing things to back that up.
Example of an accountability letter:
“I am letting L, her family and our friends know about my actions against her. Although she asked me to write this, I agree that sharing this with you is my responsibility. This is a step in being accountable for how much I hurt her and in doing so, hurt all of you as well.
“As you know, L and I met 8 years ago. I loved her and respected her and respect her to this day. But I acted in ways that were the opposite of loving and respectful.
“My abuse began with jealousy. I was jealous when she looked at anyone else. I was even jealous when she was with her friends. I began to control her behaviour—making her feel uncomfortable when she went out without me. I questioned what she did, who she talked to, how she felt. I knew it was wrong, but I made excuses to myself—I was being loving, or I couldn’t lose her so I had to watch her all the time.
“When she wouldn’t answer the way I wanted or she went out anyway or did what she wanted, I began to lose my temper. At first I yelled. Then I began to throw things and hit things near her. One time I hit her, leaving the mark of my hand on her face. I begged her not to tell anyone and I promised never to do it again. She stayed home from work for a couple of days—and I did stop for a while.
“But it didn’t stop there. The next time I knew not to hit her where anyone would see the mark. I started to hit her on her head or body where people wouldn’t see. This happened about every 6 months at first. But it started to get worse, and I would hit her or threaten her every couple of months. I apologised every time and begged her to forgive me. I promised to change and go to counselling. But I never followed through. I never found any help and hoped that she would forget. I hoped I would just stop or things would change. I told myself that I didn’t hit her that hard—that it was understandable because she kept doing things I asked her not to do. I always made excuses for myself or blamed her.
“She tried to talk to me about it, but I wouldn’t talk about it. I would either threaten her or walk out of the house or tell her that she was crazy.
“I didn’t think about how this affected her. I only thought about how I felt—about how everything affected me.
“She finally threatened to leave me and this time I believed it. I hit her and broke the things that were most important to her. I got so I didn’t even apologise any more. I would leave the house and come back later hoping everything would be forgotten.
“Some of you came to me then. I lied. I said it only happened a couple of times. I said that she was crazy and exaggerating. I didn’t want to face what I had done. I felt ashamed and blamed her for telling people about our business.
“This past few months have been my biggest challenge. But I have to thank you for stopping me. I’m not sure what I would have done next.
“You didn’t back down, and L, you didn’t back down even though I wanted you to. I know that if you hadn’t stepped in—especially L’s sister and her husband, I would not have stopped. I didn’t know what to do and just kept doing the same thing over and over.
“I am hoping that L and I can continue our relationship. I know it might be too late. I have accepted that I cannot control our relationship and can only control myself. I am going to counselling every week and starting to discover what it means to be an adult and take responsibility for my behaviour.
“I am deeply sorry. I apologise to all of you. L, I apologise to you. I know I hurt you so many times in so many ways. I hope that you will be able to trust people again and heal from everything I have done to you. I know trust is something I must earn and that it might take a very long time. I accept that responsibility and hope that I can honour that no matter what happens—even if you decide that you can’t stay in this relationship. If that is the case, please know that I will not do anything to stop you or hurt you. This is your choice.
“I apologise to your family. I hurt your daughter. I made your sister suffer. I have caused so much pain and suffering as you worried about L’s safety and dignity. You saw her change from a loving person with confidence to someone living in constant fear. I know nothing can make up for that.
“I have talked with all of you and as you know, I promise to do the following:
“I will treat L with respect and kindness.
“I will never threaten L with harm. I will not throw anything, hit anything. I will not touch her in any harmful or unwanted way. I will never insult her or call her names. I will not tell her what she can or can’t do, who she can or can’t see. I will communicate with her and discuss what she wants and needs. I will listen and not interrupt.
“I will continue to seek help in order to change my attitudes and behaviours. I have a better understanding now than ever in my life and for that, I am grateful. I know that change takes time. I will not stop getting help. I have found a group that has a programme for people who are violent. I started going and will continue to attend to the end.
“I will support L to get what she needs in order to recover and have agreed to pay for her counselling.
“I will talk about other things with L—how we share work around the house, decisions about what we do together, decisions about our finances. These are things that I know we must share together.
“I believe I am a changed person and thank L and all of you for helping me stop my violence. And I know I have a long way to go.”Step 5. Change harmful attitudes and behaviours so that violence is not repeated
Step 5 moves beyond the specific harms to the causes for violence. The person doing harm must be responsible not only for past harms but for future behaviour, to live free from violence.
Changing harmful attitudes and behaviours involves a deep look at oneself and the types of attitudes and behaviours that are related to violence. This could include:
-
Moving from feeling superior to others, to feeling more equal and humble
-
Moving from expecting to get what they want, to expecting some give and take
-
Dealing with insecurity and low self-worth
-
Getting help for problems with alcohol and drugs
-
Getting help for problems of gambling or careless spending
-
Getting help for child sexual abuse or physical abuse and their relationship to violence now
-
Letting go of controlling behaviours, being open to what others want
-
Seeing other people as partners and companions, not objects.
Step 6. Create a healthier community
Steps 1–5 move towards the person who caused harm becoming a healthy part of a community. At some point, efforts to stay accountable may move towards confidence in being a healthy and respectful partner, family member, friend, co-worker, neighbour and community member.
Someone who has taken accountability and changed might be able to help someone else causing harm. It could help to have support from someone who has been through the same thing.
As a healthy member of their community, the person who caused harm might help change others’ ideas about taking accountability from shame to honour and courage.
Your staircase of change: What does it look like?
This tool can be used for anyone to think about what a staircase of change would look like in their situation. What would show that someone is making progress with accountability?
The person who has been harmed and allies can use this to figure out what they can ask the person doing harm (or the community) to do. Remember that Step 1 might be as far as you get in an intervention.
You might set goals like naming the harms and recognising the attitudes and actions that were harmful (Step 2).
You might expect the person doing harm to admit all of the effects of their harm without making any excuses (step 3).
You might expect the person doing harm to help repair the harm by offering resources or service (step 4).
Your measurable goals for accountability might stop at Step 4. You might be able to tell when someone has reached steps 5 and 6, but explaining what it would look like is harder.Stop immediate violence or stop it enough to go to next step
Step 1
Recognise the violence
Step 2
Recognise the consequences of violence without excuses, even if unintended
Step 3
Make repairs for the harm
Step 4
Change harmful attitudes and behaviours so that violence is not repeated
Step 5
Create a healthier community
Step 6
Step 1: Stop immediate violence
What specific harmful, abusive or violent actions need to stop? (See Basics about violence and What is going on)
Are there bottom-lines?
Are there priorities?
Are there some forms of harm, abuse or violence that are less important, or that could even be let go of? Or come back to later? (Only the person harmed will know what is important. Something that looks small to an outsider might mean something big)
Do these harms or violence need to stop completely, how can people know they have stopped?Step 2: Recognise the violence
What specific harmful, abusive or violent actions does the person doing harm need to name and recognise?
Are there bottom-lines?
Are there priorities?
Are there some forms of harm, abuse or violence that are less important to name, or that could be let go of? Or come back to later?Step 3: Recognise the effects of violence without excuses
What are the effects of the violence? (See Basics about violence [link to section])
Who has been hurt or affected by the violence?
What were the immediate effects, like injuries, fear, days off work, events they couldn’t go to?
What are the long-term effects, like not trusting anyone, nightmares, flashbacks, loss of self-confidence, lost housing, lost job, lost relationships with children and friends, jail?Step 4: Make repairs for the harm
What can be done to repair the harm? (knowing that there might be nothing that can totally repair it) Financial repair? Services? Apologies? Public apologies or other responses?
To who?
For how long?Step 5: Change harmful attitudes and behaviours so violence isn’t repeated
What underlying attitudes and behaviours helped cause the violence?
What changes in underlying attitude or behaviour are needed?Step 6: (For the person causing harm) Create a healthier community
How can you support a healthier, less violent community?
What violence in the community have you known about, but didn’t do anything about?
What was it about the social group or community that helped you to do something?
What got in the way of you doing something?
Who are other people in your community that a staircase of their own might help? How can you support them?Your staircase to change
Use your own words to describe what your steps to change or accountability look like.
Staircase to changeStep 1
Step 2
Step 3
Step 4
Step 5
Step 6
-
If you are the person being asked to take accountability, the process can be hard. You are probably facing people who feel angry. You may feel alone in a sea of accusation.
It’s easy to feel defensive, to try to protect yourself by thinking things like:
-
It’s none of their business
-
They weren’t there, they have no idea what they’re talking about
-
Who are they to judge?
-
What about my side of the story? I think I’m the victim
-
I can’t handle being blamed, I’m going to do whatever I can to get out of this
-
This is all someone else’s fault!
You might attack people with words or actions. You might feel furious when you find out that people are talking about you, or that your friends or loved ones are sharing things you think should be private. You might want to withdraw, build your own camp of supporters, or use violence to get back at them.
This may be scary and new. You don’t know what’s going to happen next. Fear, confusion, anger and defensiveness are understandable.
It takes courage to slow down and realise you aren’t going to die or be destroyed.
These questions are to help you think through this. They are meant to break through your defensiveness so that you can face this challenge and learn from it.
This is a good time to get together with someone who supports you, but doesn’t agree with or excuse your violence. Find someone who can support you and challenge you at the same time (see Who can help for help finding good support).
Ask yourself:
-
When I’m feeling angry or defensive, I tell myself this story about why people are talking to me or confronting me about violence…
-
Is there a more useful story I can tell myself (about why they are talking to me)?
-
Can I imagine myself as someone who can listen to what is being said without getting defensive? What is that person like? When are times that I have been like this?
-
Can I imagine what it’s like to be treated the way I treated the person harmed? When I imagine what it’s like to be on the other end of my harmful behaviours and actions, I see…
-
Do I want to change? Do I want to have relationships that are more equal and less abusive?
-
What can I share with the people confronting me so that they know me better and I can feel connected to them instead of rejected?
-
Without blaming anyone else, can I share what is hard for me about this?
-
Without trying to control what people do, can I share what I am scared will happen? Can I share what I hope will happen?
-
Without denying the harm I’ve caused, can I share something I have done well that shows I am more than my abusive behaviour and I can do better?
What kind of help do I want? Who can help me be the person I want to be? Who might make it harder for me to change?
-
If you are the person causing harm, this tool can help you prepare for meeting with the person you harmed, their representatives or community allies.
It includes affirmations to help settle you, and guiding questions to help you prepare.
There are 4 steps that can be repeated over time and done separately depending upon what discussions are coming up. You can add or use your own words to make this more meaningful for you.
Step 1: I believe
I will remind myself of the following messages. Thinking about them can bring me some calm and peace going into a challenging situation:
-
I am a good person
-
Like everyone, I am imperfect. I have hurt someone. I am strong enough to admit it and be better
-
I am stronger when I acknowledge both my strengths and my weaknesses
-
I can listen to how I affect people without interrupting, even when I don’t agree
-
I have the strength to open my mind to another person’s way of thinking
-
My behaviour has harmed people, but I am more than that. It only has power over me if I don’t own it
-
Even when people are upset with me, I know that others see some of my strengths and good intentions
-
I am strong enough to understand others even if they are different from me
-
I trust that I will be strong enough to let you tell your story and understand that your story is real to you
-
I trust that I will be strong enough to stay calm even if my story is not accepted or is questioned.
Which three of these statements mean the most to you? Do they help you feel more calm and open-minded? Are there other words that work better for you?
Step 2: I can listen
-
I can listen to try to understand: if I notice myself thinking about what is wrong with what I am hearing, or wanting to defend myself or to attack, I will remind myself to stop and listen
-
Even if I have heard all of the things said before, I will listen with openness and see if I hear anything different
-
I will relax and see what happens if I add what is said to my understanding of what happened. It will not erase what I think or believe. It will add to it.
-
After I listen, I can take time to think about what was said. I can ask for support to do this. I can use these questions to help me:
-
How has hearing their experience of me changed my story or feeling about what happened?
-
From what I have heard, what is it that has affected them the most?
-
What 1-2 things are most important to them?
-
What struck me as most ‘real’ in what they said?
Step 3. Make true attempts at repair
-
I am strong enough to admit the harm I have caused
-
I am wise enough to see the effect of my harm and understand who it hurt, even if I didn’t mean it to
-
I am honourable enough to apologise for everything I have done without making excuses
-
I can offer my apology as a gift, expecting nothing in return
-
I understand that repairs will take effort. Apologies are important and are the first step in making repairs
-
I will take time and get help from my allies if I need it to think of things I can offer for repairs
-
I understand that my idea of repairs and the requests from __________ may be different. We will be able to find a solution
-
I understand that nothing I do can fully make up for the harm. Things were taken away that cannot be given back
-
Making repairs is an important step towards healthy change.
When being honest with yourself, what are three things you can admit about your role in this situation?
Step 4: Change my attitudes and behaviours over time
-
I commit to deep changes in my attitudes and behaviours so that I will not repeat my harmful behaviours
-
I will stay connected to people, things, places and activities that support these changes, including:
-
People:
-
Things:
-
Places:
-
Activities:
-
Other:
-
-
I commit to thinking about what attitudes I need to question and change based on what I heard from
-
I commit to thinking about behaviours and actions I need to question and change based on what I heard from
-
If I am finding it difficult to change or have set-backs, I will do the following things:
-
If I commit harm again, I will do the following things:
-
If I commit harm again, I expect the following consequences:
What are 2-3 things you do (now or in the past) during stress or conflict that __________ has found challenging (or that are challenging to the situation overall)?
What is one strategy for handling this in the future that you can do?
If you are staying connected to each other, ask yourself this question:
What are two things I’d like us to commit to as bottom-lines for how we behave with each other during future situations of stress and conflict?
-