Tools
What is going on Quick Question Guide
You can use this Quick Question Guide to get started and to take snapshots along the way. This asks some questions to start getting a clear picture of the problem.
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What is going on?
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Who is getting harmed?
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What kind of harm?
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Who is doing the harm?
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What is the effect of this harm?
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Who knows about what’s going on?
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What other people or dynamics have helped or made things better?
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What other people or dynamics have been harmful or made things worse?
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Any other important things to know?
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Are there any important changes?
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What’s the next step?
example Snapshot using example story
This example is based on ‘I hear yelling in my apartment building. What is going on?’
For this exercise, the person telling the story has filled out the Quick Question Guide by themselves. They might also go through it with the two sets of neighbours who shared what they knew about what is going on with Marcos and Maria.
What is going on?
Marcos has lived in the building for a while. Some of us know him but not so well. Maria moved in about 6 years ago. Nobody we know in the building knows much about her. She speaks Spanish and very little English. From the yelling and the noise reported from different neighbours, we know that there is violence happening. It seems that this started in the last few months.
Who is getting harmed?
Maria seems to be the one getting harmed. And so is their daughter, although it is not clear if she is directly getting hit. Their daughter is being harmed by watching this happen and hearing the yelling and insults against her mother.
What kind of harm?
There are the kind of fights where there is at least the emotional abuse of yelling. Things are being thrown, which is physically threatening. We think this could mean that there is also physical abuse or at least something that could lead to physical abuse. The reference to the police makes us wonder if there is physical abuse, too. There is the kind of abuse where the mother is being insulted for not speaking English. There is harm against the daughter who must witness the yelling, insults and things being thrown around.
Who is doing the harm?
The main person doing harm seems to be Marcos.
What is the effect of this harm?
I don’t know this family well so I have to guess at some of the effect of this harm right now. I know that Maria is upset during the times that the yelling is happening. Their daughter is clearly crying and upset. I know that the effects of violence can go way beyond being upset during times of violence–it can cause a whole cycle of violence for this family.
As a neighbour, I feel upset that this family is experiencing violence. When I see Maria or their daughter, I think about the violence. I don’t think that Marcos is benefiting from his violence. I feel like my own sense of peace is violated by violence in our building.
Who knows about what’s going on?
So far, the next door neighbours who first talked about the yelling know. The people upstairs from Marcos and Maria know, and I know. I’m not sure who else knows.
What other people or dynamics have helped or made things better?
The neighbours who I talked to seemed at least concerned. Even though we were gossiping and not necessarily talking about doing anything about it yet, this could be positive. I don’t have a strong relationship with either Marcos or Maria but we have a friendly relationship. This could be a positive dynamic. Even though it looks like Marcos is being abusive to both his wife and at least indirectly to his daughter, he also appears to be a loving father, which is another positive dynamic. He has lived in the building a long time and probably would like to keep his home and keep a friendly relationship with his neighbours, which is another positive dynamic.
What other people or dynamics have been harmful or made things worse?
So far, we don’t know much about the situation and what might be negative. But the fact that Maria seems to be a recent immigrant and we don’t see other family members around makes us wonder if she is isolated. We wonder about her immigration status, which would definitely make a difference if we decided to call the police. The police might report her to immigration authorities and the results could be her arrest and her separation from her US born daughter.
Any other important things to know?
There is definitely emotional abuse. And throwing things is a form of physical abuse. Is there also direct physical abuse? Has Maria been looking for anybody to help? Does she want help? Is Marcos open to get help? What resources are there for them? We’re not sure.
Are there any important changes?
The most important change that we know of is that some of us have started to notice and talk about what is going on.
What’s the next step?
At this point, my neighbours Tom and Grace seem to be concerned enough to take some sort of action if needed. I feel this way, as well. But we aren’t sure what to do. We just let each other know that we would keep each other informed and think about next steps. We want to try to keep it inside the building and not involve the police because that could make things worse. This is especially true because we don’t know if Maria is undocumented. We think that maybe our own actions can stop things at an early stage and at least we have each other for support.
The next step will be to talk to Tom and Grace and share this toolkit with them. Maybe I’ll just photocopy a couple of pages so they don’t get overwhelmed.
What is going on worksheet
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You can use this Worksheet when you have more time or the support of other people. It can help to identify the key issues of violence, abuse or harm you or someone you are close to are facing or causing.
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How can you describe the harm that is happening?
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Who is getting harmed? In what ways?
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Who is doing the harm? In what ways?
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How long has the harm been going on?
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Is it happening all of the time? How often does it happen? Are there patterns?
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Has it been getting worse? More often? More serious?
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What has happened, is happening now or could happen in the future?
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Are there words that best describe it?
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Are there particular people, things or situations that make it worse? Or make it better?
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Have people tried to get help before? Who? What kind of help? What happened?
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Who knows about the harm that’s happening?
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What are other important things to know about?
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Are there some important things you still need to find out? What are possible next steps for finding out?
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What else is important to do next?
Naming the harm chart
If you are already getting started, at least one person thinks that some sort of violence, abuse, or harm is happening. You might know that it’s abusive, or it may be a more vague feeling that something is going on.
It can feel uncomfortable or scary to put words to abuse or violence. You might feel embarrassed, ashamed, guilty or vulnerable. You may fear that naming the harm will lead to more violence. Naming the harm is an important step in understanding what’s happening and how to change it.
Can you name the harm? How would you name it in your own words? What is important in naming it?
Example: “My power was taken away.” “I violated her boundaries.” “She violated my trust—now I can’t even trust myself.” “I made him feel worthless.” “My community was destroyed—my safe home was turned into somewhere nobody felt safe.”
You can use your own words. The information in Basics about violence [hyperlink to that section] might help you.
The Naming the harm Chart is another way to think about harms. It shows that harm can take many forms: emotional; physical; sexual; economic; using family, friends, children and pets; and using systems that marginalise, such as residency status or access to benefits. It can include threats of harm.
Harm may come from friends, whānau and community members who looked away while violence was happening, who blamed the person harmed or who participated in the harm.
Harms may have been committed in the past. They may be happening now. Or the chart can help imagine what could happen in the future.
Naming the harm Chart
Use the categories to map the types of harms done. Examples are given in the chart below as a guide.
The columns are for different forms of harm.
The rows are for the different people harmed, directly or indirectly. As well as people, it can include workplaces, organisations, sports teams, and so on.
WHO IS HARMED | Emotional (name calling, isolation, humiliation, threatening suicide, etc) | Physical (pushing, slapping, pulling hair, beating, threats to harm, etc) | Sexual (forced sex unwanted sexual acts, etc) | Economic (taking money, gambling, preventing from work, etc) | Family, friends, children & pets (threatening friends, family, children, etc) | Other (threatening to call WINZ, threatening to ‘out’ someone, etc) |
Name: | ||||||
Name: | ||||||
Name: | ||||||
Name: | ||||||
Name: |
Examples of harms
This is a list of harms that a person might have experienced or caused. It could be used in a statement of harm, for example starting with: “These are the forms of violence I experienced from you. You…”
Emotional | Physical | Sexual | Economic | Family, Friends Children & Pets | Other |
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- Isolated me - Kept friends or family away - Humiliated with looks and insults - Yelled - Tried to control what I did - Tried to control what I thought - Threatened or hurt my reputation - Stalked including constant texting, phone calls - Made me nervous all the time, “walking on eggshells” |
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Weapons and threats of suicide mean serious danger. Danger increases when a person doing harm feels a loss of power or control. That can mean more serious types and levels of harm. Threats of suicide aren’t necessarily a form of harm, but threats to commit suicide or harm oneself can be used to manipulate and to control others—for example, ‘If you leave me I will kill myself.’ For more, see Basics about violence.
Example: Harm from friends, whānau or community
This is a list of ways that friends, whānau or community members added to the harm. It could be used in a statement of harm, for example starting with: “I wish I could have gotten help and support from you, but instead you…”
Emotional | Physical | Sexual | Economic | Family, Friends Children & Pets | Other |
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- Did not believe stories of harm - Insulted or humiliated me for asking for or causing harm - Gossiped - Minimised the violence - Denied that the violence was happening - Only supported people in positions of power - Criticised me for leaving or wanting to leave - Criticised me for staying or wanting to stay |
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Thinking about a harms statement
Once you have filled out a What is going on Worksheet and a Naming the harm Chart, you may want to make a simpler harms statement or set of statements. You can have different statements for different purposes. It can be good for your emotional health to be clear about what harms were done. The statement can help other people understand the situation they are responding to. It may be useful to share with the person doing harm, or you may be that person. You may want to share it more publicly.
There are some categories of harm statements that might help you think about ways to write them for different purposes and audiences.
Harms statement for the person who was harmed to write
For yourself in your own words. Things that were done and how they hurt you and others.
Harms statement to share with others helping, possibly as a group
Includes specific details about what was done, for how long, changes in frequency. You can also include anything you created when thinking about what is going on (like other worksheets).
Harms statement for the person harmed to share with the person who harmed them
Includes specific details about what was done and what you want the person to be accountable for.
Harms statement for the person doing harm to write
A first step of taking responsibility can be writing a statement of the harm you caused and who you hurt. It should be specific, detailed and include the effect of the harm to different people, even if you didn’t mean to hurt them.
Harms statement for wider community
This can be used to let people know about the situation of violence and what’s being done to deal with it. It might be very detailed or general depending on what you think is the best way to share information with the public.
What is going on intervention factors-at-a-glance
Below are some questions to help think about the harm, who you might include in an intervention, your goals or what you want to happen, and connecting people to the goals of this intervention.
How are the people involved in the violence related?
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Violence by a stranger
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Violence by a former partner or acquaintance but who you are not connected to now
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Violence by someone from the same community
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Violence in an on-going relationship.
What is the timeframe of violence?
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Pattern from the far past
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One-off violence from the far past
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One-off recent violence
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A pattern of violence or abuse is starting
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Long-standing pattern of violence
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Return of violent pattern.
How visible is the violence?
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Public violence seen by one or more others (violence may happen privately as well)
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Public and private violence seen or known about by others
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One-off private violence with no witnesses
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Pattern of private violence with no witnesses.
What kind of harm?
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Past use of weapons (guns, knives, poisons, the car, etc) or other highly dangerous violence (choking, violence that caused injuries), gang connections
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Likelihood of using weapons
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Access to weapons
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Threatening to use weapons or highly dangerous violence
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No history of weapons or dangerous violence, no threats to use weapons or dangerous violence, no access to weapons
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Past self-harm or suicide attempts
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Serious concerns about substance abuse or mental illness
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Position of power (police, local celebrity, community leader, well-respected) or connected to people with power
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May use violence as pay-back, but no history of weapons or dangerous violence
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Low risk of more violence as pay-back (eg, because the relationship has ended, someone has left the community, etc).
How is the person harmed involved in the intervention?
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Leading the intervention
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Leading, with input from others
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Highly involved, but with others leading
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Kept in the loop, but at a distance from the details
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Little or no involvement in the intervention.
What is the effect of this harm?
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Has no friends or social connections
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Substance abuse or mental health get in the way of social connections
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Has friends but they all support using violence
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Has friends, but drops them or fights if they challenge them
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The person harmed is their only connection
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There are people who the person doing harm respects and listens to, but they aren’t close
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The person doing harm is close to people they respect and listen to
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The person doing harm has close relationships with people who can support them to stop violence and use new behaviours; the person doing harm is able to talk about hard things with some people.
Is it likely that community allies will get involved?
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No connections or community
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There are connections or community, but they will excuse or support violence
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One or two people who are connected to the person harmed or doing harm are willing to help
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No close connections, but part of a wider community (neighbourhood, city, ethnic community) that has some people or an organisation that is willing to help
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At least one or two strong leaders and a group of people willing to get involved.
Do the person harmed, community allies and the person doing harm share values?
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No shared values, or opposing values
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Some overlap of values
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Significant overlap of values
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Shared membership in a values-based community (for example, church, community group, political group, etc).
These questions are shown in chart form below.
Intervention factors at a glance: Type and context of violence
Emotional | Physical | Sexual | Economic | Family, Friends Children & Pets | Other |
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- Did not believe stories of harm - Insulted or humiliated me for asking for or causing harm - Gossiped - Minimised the violence - Denied that the violence was happening - Only supported people in positions of power - Criticised me for leaving or wanting to leave - Criticised me for staying or wanting to stay |
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Intervention factors at a glance: Level of involvement in an intervention
Emotional | Physical | Sexual | Economic | Family, Friends Children & Pets | Other |
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- Did not believe stories of harm - Insulted or humiliated me for asking for or causing harm - Gossiped - Minimised the violence - Denied that the violence was happening - Only supported people in positions of power - Criticised me for leaving or wanting to leave - Criticised me for staying or wanting to stay |
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Signs of immediate danger
There are a few signs of extreme danger. You should check this list regularly, especially when something has changed, like if the person causing harm has been confronted, or the person being harmed has left the relationship or has a new partner. The most dangerous times are when the person causing harm feels like they are losing control of the relationship.
Signs of extreme danger:
☐ Threats to kill or suicide
☐ Using weapons, threatening to use weapons, or talking about using weapons (like guns, knives, a car, poisons)
☐ Choking (strangulation or putting hands around a person’s neck)
☐ Using intimidation and fear (like threatening violence, punching holes in a wall, shouting in a person’s face, sharpening knives, cleaning a gun)
☐ Intense, violent possessiveness—like owning a person, controlling who they talk to, where they go, jealousy
☐ Other controlling behaviour to cause fear (like controlling what a person wears, who they can see, where they can go, controlling their money, keeping them away from friends or whānau)
☐ Forced sex or sexual violence
☐ Stalking or surveillance (including in person, by phone or social media, checking a person’s phone, emails or social media)
☐ The violence is getting worse or more often
The person harmed feels scared or in danger (if they aren’t scared that doesn’t mean they aren’t in danger—sometimes people cope with extreme, ongoing stress by denying it, even to themselves)
☐ Others are worried that the person harmed is in danger.
Take these signs seriously. If one or more of these are true, get help and act now.
Think about the best way to get safer. If you don’t already have good support, think about what you can do—there are organisations you can call anytime to help you with that and to help with safety (see Resources).
If you have good support, the fastest, safest path might be using that support with tools on this website (there are tools and information in How do you stay safe for the person harmed, person causing harm and allies). You might feel safer with the help of an organisation—there are organisations you can call anytime for help (see Resources).
If you are the person harmed, who can help you work out how to get safer (see Who can help?)? If you don’t know who to turn to, there are numbers you can call anytime for help (see Resources). See How do you stay safe for tools and information about safety.
If you are an ally, can you safely tell the person who is being hurt that you will support them if they need help? Are there other people you can safely talk to about what you see happening (see Who can help?)? Think very carefully before confronting the person causing harm, especially if you haven’t talked with the person they are hurting and don’t have a safety plan. You may make things worse. See How do you stay safe for tools and information about safety.
If you are the person causing harm, stop. Get help (see Who can help?). Call or text 1737 anytime to talk to a trained counsellor, or see Resources for organisations that can help. Take responsibility for lowering the danger—get rid of any weapons, get yourself away from the situation, find people who can support you to be safer. See How do you take accountability for tools and information about taking responsibility for the harm you are causing.
Risk assessment chart
Risk assessment: What is it?
Risk assessment looks at the risk of harms. It looks at things that have happened in the past and what is happening now, to think about what might happen in the future.
Risk assessment includes thinking about how things are changing. Times of highest risk are when the person causing harm feels like they are losing control of the relationship, like:
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when the person they are hurting tries to get away, starts seeing someone new or gets back control of their life in some way
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when people start finding out that violence has been happening
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when the person causing harm is confronted about their violence.
This doesn’t mean you should avoid leaving an abusive relationship or confronting someone about their violence. It does mean you need to be aware of dangers and plan for safety. Think through all possible reactions. Think of the risks to all people involved: the person who has been harmed; people close by, especially children; and the person doing harm.
Whenever you do risk assessment, first check for Signs of immediate danger.
Risk assessment chart
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What are the harms already being faced (use the Naming the harms chart, which you might have already filled out)
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What is still a risk now, what may be a risk later.
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Fill in the chart below to assess risk:
Column 1: Risk, danger or harm
In the first column, name the risk, danger or harm, the following list may help. Use your own words to describe the risk in your situation.
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Physical or threatened harm [tag as high danger], like punching, kicking, choking [tag as emergency], burning, poisoning [tag as emergency]
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Physical or threatened harm to others [tag as high danger], like children [tag as emergency], whānau, friends, neighbours, co-workers
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Physical or threatened harm to self; threats of suicide [tag as emergency]
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Physical threat with a weapon [tag as emergency]
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Physical and emotional threat by stalking or harassment using phone, text, email, social media [tag all of this as emergency]
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Physical and emotional harm by being forced to use drugs [tag as high danger]
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Emotional or verbal abuse [tag as high danger], like loss of reputation; ‘outing’ or sharing unwanted information or lies to friends, whānau or community; isolation [tag as emergency]
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Threats to harm relationships with whānau, friends or children [tag all of this as emergency]
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Emotional or verbal abuse by insults, threats, humiliation
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Sexual harm including rape, molestation, forced sexual acts, exposure to pornography and posting private sexual photos or information online [tag all as emergency]
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Financial harm by destroying or taking property
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Financial harm through job loss
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Financial harm by taking money from bank account
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Financial harm by refusing to repay loans or debt, or through reckless use of credit cards or gambling
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Other harms such as threats to report to immigration, child welfare, WINZ, gangs.
Column 2: Who is causing the harm
In the second column, name the person or situation causing the harm. Harm may be directly threatened by a person. Or the threat may come from a situation, like insecure housing or employment, visa or residency status, being on a benefit, or being marginalised in some way.
Column 3: Who is the target
In the third column, name who or what is the target of risk, danger or harm. It may be the person directly harmed; others including friends, whānau or community; or the threat may be to a person’s home, pets, job, benefit or residency status. The threat may be to those who are taking action.
Column 4: What is the level of danger
For example:
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Emergency
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High
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Moderate
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Low
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No risk now
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More information needed
Remember the Signs of immediate danger. Any of those signs are emergency level dangers.
Use colours, names or symbols that suit you. The most important signals are when danger is so high that you need to act now (Emergency), when the danger has disappeared (No risk now) and when more information is needed (More information needed).
Column 5: Is the harm getting worse or better
Is the harm becoming more or less common?
Is the harm getting more or less violent or intense?
Risk assessment chart
Risk, danger or harm | Who is the cause | Who is the target | What is the level or danger | Getting worse or better |
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Safety plan and action worksheet
What are safety plans? Safety actions?
Once the level of harm and risk are considered, you and your team will want to think about safety plans in case there is immediate danger, and safety actions to try to get safe.
Safety plans
Safety plans are often made for ‘what if’ situations. They include who to call in an emergency, signals for others that help is needed, safe-keeping things needed for escape, plans to pick up children and keep them safe.
Safety actions
Safety actions might need to happen immediately in order to be safe, reach safety or get people out of harm’s way. Safety actions are particularly necessary when there is crisis or high danger. This includes danger of physical harm, as well as emotional, sexual and financial harm. Safety plans include removing weapons, moving children to a safer place, involving friends and whānau, and distracting someone who is dangerous to lower the level of violence or get them away while plans for safety are being made.
Getting together as a safety network
Safety actions are often taken when there is danger, so they should include at least one other person (more is better) to help with planning, support and follow up.
They are best done with a group of community allies whose roles might include:
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Brainstorming risks, safety plans and actions
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Brainstorming who is best for roles in creating safety
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Getting more information on who can help or what the dangers might be
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Planning or taking action for safety
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Being a back-up person.
How to use the safety plan and action worksheet
1. Get together with another person or as a team
2. Make a risk assessment chart or check it if you have already made one. Make sure it is based on what’s happening now.
3. Think about how each risk can match up to a Safety Plan that responds to it. Start with the highest risks before thinking about ones with lower levels of danger. Make notes to help with fulling out the worksheet. Things to think about:
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What do you need to do to be safe (or reduce risk)? For example:
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Prepare for escape (see Escape safety checklist for help)
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Tell trusted people about what is happening
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Ask trusted people to help (See Who can help for people harmed, people causing harm and allies for more ideas about how people can help). They could:
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Watch for danger in specific situations
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Be an emergency person to call
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Brainstorm in times of confusion or crisis
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Remember plans and details
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Check in regularly by stopping by, calls, emails, texts
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Get emergency help if a signal is given
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Be physical protection
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Be emotional or spiritual support
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Be around as a witness to harm
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Distract or reason with person doing harm
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Confront person doing harm to prevent further harm
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Get and take care of children or other dependents
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Get and take care of pets
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Provide a safe place (home, office, school, church, etc)
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Keep emergency items in a safe place
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Find out about and contact resources. They might include stopping violence programme/organisation, counsellor, knowledgeable family members or friends, internet, legal services, workplace, union, school
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Prepare or gather things that you need to take action
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Get locks or change locks
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Keep important things in protected areas—friend’s home, safety deposit box, workplace.
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What are safe ways to contact people?
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Think about confidentiality and making sure that information doesn’t become public through shared computers, emails, voice mail or reading other people’s texts.
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Can you get where you need to go safely?
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Safe routes
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Safe ways to travel
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Safe place to park car
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Back-up transport
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Picking up other allies, family, or friends.
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Do you have a safe place to meet?
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Think about confidentiality and making sure that people are safe to talk
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If you are meeting with someone who might cause harm, think about using a public space where there are people around.
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Do you have safe places to escape to or hide?
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People may need places to hide or public places where they might be safer.
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What needs to be in a communication plan?
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Signs or signals that things are okay or not okay
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Follow up communication that things went okay or not okay
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Follow up communication for next steps
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Agreement on who can know what and who can’t.
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4. What needs action now?
Sometimes you need to take action to make things safe because the danger level is so high. Other times, you might act now because something has happened that gives you have a chance to act.
Examples of times when you may want act:
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Someone needs to escape from immediate risk of harm
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Children or youth need to be removed from risk of harm
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Weapons need to be removed to decrease level of danger
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Health or mental health concerns need immediate action
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Someone causing harm needs to be immediately removed from a situation, asked to stay away, distracted from entering a situation, locked out, banned (at least temporarily), physically restrained (if this is necessary to keep them from causing harm).
Other things to think about
This website encourages honest communication and action, but that’s not always safe. Distraction, hiding information and outright dishonesty are often needed, especially when there is high danger. Safety Plans and Actions may also need some level of force.
Safety must come first. At times, you may need to use dishonesty or threats, force or restraint on the person doing harm.
If the person doing harm is taking accountability, it may be safe to be more honest. That could include talking about why earlier actions were less honest.
Safety plan and action worksheet
This safety plan is for the following situation:
This safety plan covers the time period:
The safety plan includes:
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What are the risks and dangers? What can go wrong?
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Who do we need to look out for? Who or what can cause risks and dangers—people, situations or systems?
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Who can get hurt? How?
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What can we do to stay safe?
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Who is responsible for what part of the safety plan?
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Have we covered everything? Do we need to bring in more people?
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Is there an emergency back-up plan? What is it? How will we know to go to the back-up? A signal or code?
The follow up plan includes:
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How did it go?
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What did we learn?
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How does this affect our safety plan? Our overall intervention?
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Are there any changes to be made? What are they?
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Who do we need to get in touch with? Who will do that?
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What do we need to tell them?
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Who can know?
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Who should not know?
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What are the next steps?
Who can help quick question guide
Use this Quick Question Guide to think about allies (who can help) and barriers (who might get in the way), and to make snapshots along the way.
These are some questions to think about who can get involved, and who should be avoided.
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Who can help (when and how, towards which goal)?
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Who could hurt the situation?
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Who would be good to support the person who was hurt?
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Who would be good to support the person doing harm?
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Who can become an ally or a stronger ally with a little help?
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What kind of help do they need and who can give it?
Meeting person who did harm safety worksheet
People in the intervention may decide to contact, communicate with or work together with the person doing harm to respond to, end and prevent future harm. The person harmed may still have some kind of relationship with the person doing harm.
Depending on the situation, meetings can carry risks:
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Danger of physical or sexual violence
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Danger of emotional and verbal abuse
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Threats of violence
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Intimidation or scaring someone to stop the intervention or to get the person harmed to come back
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Manipulating people to do with what the person causing harm wants
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Lies that make the person doing harm seem innocent
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Lies that make people harmed look like they are to blame.
If someone decides to meet with the person doing harm knowing these risks, then some ways to stay safer include:
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Going through the Risk assessment and Safety plan and action sections with other people [link to tool b1, b2, b3]
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Being clear about why you’re meeting, what you want to get out of it, and how likely it is that you’ll get that. Think about all the ways it could go wrong, and think about how you’ll feel and what you will gain or lose if things go wrong
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Knowing that risk is highest when people doing harm feel like they are losing control or power. It might get more dangerous than you thought possible
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Knowing that promises to co-operate, to have one last visit, to give back belongings and so on can be used to get control or hurt someone
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Meeting in a public place where other people are around
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Going with another person, or having someone nearby and in contact
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Making sure you can see doors or other exits
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Having a signal for someone waiting and a back-up plan if you aren’t out by a certain time
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Role-playing or thinking about what could happen with at least one other person, playing all possible options, including the worst you could imagine happening
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Knowing you can change your mind and not meet
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Thinking about other ways you could communicate with the person causing harm, like email, letters, or through other people.
Meeting with person doing harm safety worksheet
If more than one person is meeting, make sure everyone agrees about the following (and change ‘I’ to ‘we’).
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I am meeting with _________________ under these circumstances:
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I am meeting for these reasons or to get these results:
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I plan to get these results by saying or doing these things (make sure every result in 2 is matched with words or actions):
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I will not say or do these things because it will get in the way of my safety or goals:
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The safest place and time for us to meet is (include end time):
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The safest way to contact ______________ is (include who will contact, how, words that will be used and not used):
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Other safety things to think about (like time of day, if the person is sober or drug-free, if they are likely to have a weapon, if they might be with someone else who is a danger, if they will be with children):
-
Other people that would be good to have along for safety (include what they will do, like watch and witness only, speak only about specific topics, lead the meeting):
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Other people that should know this meeting is happening are:
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Other people who shouldn’t know this meeting is happening are:
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Things that ________________ may think they could get out of this meeting are (these may have nothing to do with your goals):
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When I say or do the things that I plan in Question #3, the possible reactions include: (role-play each statement if possible. Think of all the things the person doing harm might say or do, including worst case scenarios. Knowledgeable people may be others who know a lot about violence or people who know the person doing harm well, including their faults. Be prepared. Think of how you will respond. Think of what you will say and not say. Make sure that everyone going to the meeting is in agreement.)
-
After this meeting is over, people could be affected in these ways: (think about whether someone’s confidence might be broken, whether there could be retaliation (pay-back) against you or others after the meeting, what kind of responses ____________ could have, what kind of other reactions might follow and whether there are supports in place)
-
Follow up support for each affected person can happen in these ways:
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During the meeting, I will stick with these words and actions: (keep to 1 or 2 main points)
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During the meeting, I will not say or do these things no matter what:
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Emergency situations include:
-
I have a plan to respond to each emergency in these ways:
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I need more information on the following to make this a safe and effective meeting:
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My next steps to prepare for the meeting are: (include plans to contact others or get resources, adequate support for after the meeting and more information needed)
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I have gone through this worksheet and have:
☐ Read through Basics about violence [link to section] and Basics about violence interventions [link to section]
☐ Read through all of How do you stay safe (for the person harmed [link to section 1b] or for allies [link to section 3b])
☐ Answered every question in this worksheet with the help of at least one person
☐ Followed through with all preparations (See Question 20)
☐ Thought of all possible responses that ______________ could have
☐ Thought of my possible responses
☐ Shared this worksheet with everyone else who will go and made that sure we agree—if they are expected to talk and act during the meeting, then they have also answered all questions in this worksheet
☐ Considered worst-case scenarios and have an emergency plan for each
☐ Feel confident that this meeting is worth having and safety risks are worth taking
☐ Have someone to check in with and get support from before and after the meeting.
If you can’t check all of these boxes, then we urge you to reconsider this meeting and take more time to see if you can get more safety before moving on.
Escape safety checklist
This is an example of an ‘escape to safety’ plan for someone who needs to escape a relationship.
If are thinking of leaving a partner and you have children, think about how to take them with you. If you leave them, it can be difficult to get custody back.
If you are still in the relationship:
☐ Think of a safe place to go in an argument—avoid rooms with no exits (bathroom) and rooms with weapons (kitchen)
☐ Make a list of safe people to contact
☐ Keep cash with you at all times
☐ Memorise all important numbers
☐ Have a signal so that family, friends, teachers or co-workers know when to call for help
☐ Think about what you will say to the person hurting you if they become violent
☐ Teach children what to do when you need help (like, run to a neighbour for help, call 111 and what to say, hide in an arranged place outside the house, and an all clear signal).
Remember, you have the right to live without fear and violence.
If you leave the relationship or are thinking of leaving:
☐ Talk through your escape plan with someone you trust or a helpline like Women’s Refuge or Shine (see contacts [link to resources: helplines])
☐ Only tell people you completely trust
☐ Tell children only what they need to know, when they need to know it
☐ Know where you will go and how you will get there
☐ Have your doctor note all evidence of injuries on your file or your children’s file
☐ Leave copies of documents, spare clothing, toiletries for you and your children, cash, spare keys, medicine and other essential items with a trusted person or at work
☐ Gather papers and information you will need, including:
☐ Driver’s licence or other identification for you and children or dependents
☐ Birth certificates for you and children or dependents
☐ Marriage certificate
☐ Copies of any protection orders
☐ Custody papers
☐ Passports for you and children or dependents
☐ Insurance policies
☐ WINZ documents
☐ IRD number
☐ Bank account details and statements
☐ Eftpos and credit cards
☐ Residency papers for you and children or dependents
☐ Adoption papers
☐ Any medical and legal agreements
☐ Rental agreements, mortgage and titles in your name (including for house, vehicles, hire purchase agreements)
☐ Proof of income
☐ Evidence of abuse (like photos, police reports, medical records)
☐ What to take with you:
☐ Documents for you and children or dependents
☐ Keys to house, garage, car, office
☐ Clothing and personal needs
☐ Cell phone (turn off GPS, replace sim card)
☐ For children, essential school needs, favourite toy or comforter
☐ Photograph of the person hurting you so people can recognise them
☐ Think about contacting a refuge or safe house [link to resources, safe houses].
If you have left the relationship:
☐ Change your phone number and screen calls, turn off GPS, replace sim cards
☐ Teach your children to be safe, to check before opening the door, and what to do if the person who hurt you breaks access arrangements or contacts them unexpectedly (for example, go inside or to a neighbour if they come to the house, tell a teacher if they come to the school, do not get in their car)
☐ Teach your children how to call 111 and what to say
☐ Tell adults who care for your children who can pick them up, and give them a photo of the person who hurt you
☐ Try to avoid shopping areas you used with the person who hurt you
☐ Keep notes on all contacts, messages, injuries or other problems with the person doing harm
☐ Improve your home security if possible, change locks, add deadlocks, security chains and screens, window stays and security lights, check fire alarms
☐ Plan for safety between your car and house (security lights, removing trees or shrubs)
☐ Let neighbours know about your safety needs; will they look out for dangerous people or be a place you can go for emergency help?
☐ Think about telling your employer about your safety needs at work (not allowing the person who hurt you access, screening calls, someone to walk you to your car)
☐ Be careful with social media, and with your children’s social media
☐ Avoid staying alone
☐ Plan how to get away if confronted by the person hurting you
☐ If you have to meet the person who hurt you, do it in a public place
☐ Mix up your routine, especially to and from work or school and walking or running routes
☐ Tell school, work and other places you go to regularly.
Safety plan and action chart
Use this tool if you want the Safety plan and action information in chart form.
This safety plan is for the following situation:
This safety plan covers the time period:
Column 1: Risk, danger or harm
Name the risk, danger or harm in your own words. This is about specific situations, so be detailed about the risk (and the person who might be at risk, column 3).
Column 2: Who is the cause
Name the person or situation causing the harm.
Column 3: Who is the target
Name who is the target of risk, danger or harm. Think of anyone who could be harmed.
Column 4: Who is looking out for safety
Who can watch over or deal with each risk? If the risk is to a particular person, it may be the watcher’s job to make sure that person is safe. Many people may be in danger in a situation of whānau violence. Children may need someone to make sure they are safe and cared for as other people deal with the violence.
Column 5: What safety action and under what circumstances
This may be small actions such as:
-
Checking if a specific person is arriving
-
Making sure children are in a safe place
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Keeping someone distracted
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Staying in the car, keeping watch nearby
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Offering someone emotional support during or after a safety action.
Safety plan
Risk, danger or harm | Who is the cause | Who is the target | Looking out for safety | What safety action and under what circumstances |
|---|---|---|---|---|
Is there an emergency back-up plan? What is it? How do we know to go to the back-up? A signal or code?
The follow up plan may include:
-
Who do we need to get in touch with? Who will do that?
-
What do we need to tell them?
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Who can know?
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Who should not know?
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What are the next steps?
Who can help worksheet
These are some questions about who can help and building a team. Don’t try to answer them all, only answer the ones that are helpful to you!
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Who can help?
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Who do you usually turn to for help? Would they be helpful in this situation?
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Who can help the person harmed?
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Who can influence and help the person doing harm? Who can support the person doing harm to stop using violence, take responsibility, repair harm and learn new behaviours?
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Who is connected to the situation that could help in some way?
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Who isn’t connected to the situation but could still help in some way?
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Who seems good, but might actually be a problem?
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Who might be great if they had good information and support?
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Who do you know who is good at working in groups?
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Who is good at thinking through complicated problems without jumping ahead or taking action on their own?
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Who is a great communicator?
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Who is good at bringing together people who don’t agree?
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Who can cheer people on, appreciate what others are good at and build team spirit?
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Who isn’t afraid of conflict, or is calm in stressful situations?
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Who has resources they could share—like a car, a room, paper and markers, a place to sleep, a cell phone?
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Would these people be good to help in this intervention? Why? Why not?
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If not or you’re not sure, is there anything that would make them a better ally? What?
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What kind of role can they play?
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Can you see them being a key person on a team that meets regularly? Or for a long time?
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Would they be willing to meet together to talk about this intervention?
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What would they need to make this meeting possible?
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Would they benefit from reading any part of this website, or have someone go over it with them?
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Which parts would be important? Who could do that?
Ally roles checklist
This is a checklist to help focus your thinking about people who can help and what they might do. Go through the checklist. What do your responses reveal to you?
Potential roles (If you are wondering if you might be a good ally, check the boxes with yourself in mind):
☐ Facilitate the intervention
☐ Co-ordinate logistics like where are we meeting, when, what do we need
☐ Take notes
☐ Keep track of goals
☐ Keep track of decisions
☐ Keep track of timelines (including start and end times for meetings)
☐ Make sure next steps were followed by checking in with people
☐ Make sure to think about risks and safety planning (see How do you stay safe for the person harmed , the person causing harm or allies)
☐ Be a reality check
☐ Help with physical conflict
☐ Help with emotional conflict
☐ Have information or experience about violence and how it works
☐ Emotionally support the person harmed or other people affected by violence (like children)
☐ Emotionally support people taking action in the intervention
☐ Emotionally support the person doing harm
☐ Offer resources (like money, food, rides, housing, storage) to the person who was harmed or other people affected by violence
☐ Offer resources (like money, food, rides, housing, storage) to other support people
☐ Offer resources (like money, food, rides, housing, storage) to the person doing harm
☐ Communicate well with the person who was harmed or people affected by violence
☐ Communicate well with the person doing harm
☐ Communicate well with others in the intervention
☐ Drive
cPick up supplies
☐ Hold meetings in their home, office or other space
☐ Cook or provide food for meetings
☐ Provide childcare for meetings
☐ Provide for spiritual needs (like karakia, prayer, bless the space, spiritual counselling)
☐ Other: ___________________________________________
Good ally checklist
Think about someone who might help (or yourself If you are wondering whether you might be a good ally) and check the box if this person:
☐ Is a good listener
☐ Has a good understanding of how violence works or is willing to learn
☐ Won’t blame the person harmed, or understands that blaming them makes things worse
☐ Can think about the person doing harm with compassion (even if they are outraged, angry, disgusted)
☐ Doesn’t always have to be right, can be part of group decision-making
☐ Doesn’t always have to be the centre of attention, can be a good team player
☐ Won’t gossip about what is happening
☐ Is a good communicator or can learn how to be better
☐ Is good at follow through
☐ Has some time for conversations, meetings, etc.
Looking at the boxes checked, would you say:
☐ This person would be a good ally:
What they are good at:
What they could do to help:
Next steps:
☐ This person could be an important good ally, but:
They could use help with:
Good ways to help them are:
Good people to help them are:
Next steps:
☐ This person probably isn’t a good ally and is even a danger to the intervention (see Barriers checklist )
☐ This person probably isn’t a good ally but isn’t a danger, we can keep them in mind for the future
Allies to work with the person doing harm chart
This is an important and hard role.
It’s hard to take responsibility and change harmful behaviours (think of the last time you changed something about your behaviour!). It is especially hard when others demand it of you. It’s worse when you’re doing it without support while you’re being judged and criticised.
Working out who can help and who can get in the way is important when thinking about how to support someone to take responsibility for their violence.
Who could best support them to take responsibility? Who might get in the way or make it less likely to happen?
It’s usually easier to find people to support the person who was hurt or the intervention overall, than it is to find support for the person doing harm. It is harder to find people who can support the person causing harm to stop and take responsibility for their violence, and to change.
Often the only people who want to support the person doing harm, also want to protect them from taking responsibility. They might make excuses for them or their violence, or criticise people who want to stop or respond to the violence.
Helping your friends, family members, or acquaintances take responsibility for their violence and practise new ways of being with people is hard. How can you tell who can help and who might hurt? Remember to think creatively! Sometimes the best people aren’t the first ones we think of.
Working with the person doing harm Chart
Accountability allies can be people who… | People who might get in the way of accountability and change (but might help the intervention in other ways) can be people who… |
|---|---|
The person doing harm cares about or respects | Have no relationship or a bad relationship with the person who did harm |
Still see the person doing harm as a person with whakapapa who deserves respect and care | Feel raw anger, disgust, rage or contempt to the person doing harm |
Understand the harm that violence causes, even when the person causing harm is sad, angry, defensive or isn’t coping | Won’t see the harm the violence caused, or down play it, especially when the person doing harm is sad, angry, defensive or isn’t coping |
Can communicate well | Get distracted from what they need to say, aren’t always easy to understand, can be vague or unclear |
Have a sense of when to back off and give space to take in what’s been said | ‘Go for the throat’—push their point and don’t notice when the other person can’t hear more, or when the way they’re talking isn’t helping |
Can get their own support if they are rejected by or become a target of the person doing harm | If rejected or targeted by the person doing harm, will react with anger that makes things worse; won’t get support and may get too stressed out; or will give up if there is any intimidation, criticism or threat of violence |
Can have understanding and care for the person doing harm, and keep that separate from that person’s responsibility for their violence | Has understanding and care for the person doing harm, which leads to making excuses for their violence or blaming the person they hurt |
Can support the person doing harm to cope with other people knowing about the violence, to not push people away, and to change | Can only ‘say my piece’ or ‘tell the truth’ and leave it to the person doing harm to figure out how to change alone |
Can understand that even though the person doing harm is always good with them, they might be different with others | Can’t separate their experience of the person doing harm from other people’s |
Can communicate clearly and regularly with other team members, even when there is disagreement or conflict. | Avoid conflict by withdrawing or even turning against the intervention. |
Barriers checklist
This tool is to help work out who might get in the way of an intervention—we’re calling them ‘barriers’. Key questions are: Who should not know about this intervention? Who should not be involved? Can anything be done to get them on board as an ally or at least not in the way?
Think about potential barriers to the intervention (if you think you might be an ally, check the box with yourself in mind). Check the box if the person or group:
☐ Will tell people who should not be told about the intervention (including the person doing harm, others who will tell the person doing harm, police or other authorities you don’t want involved)
☐ Benefits from the violence, or thinks that they do
☐ Could be affected badly by actions to respond to, stop or prevent violence (like losing their job, friends or whānau getting angry)
☐ Believes that the violence is okay
☐ Is dependent on the person doing harm (financially, emotionally, visa status, etc)
☐ Could feel threatened if people try to respond to, stop or prevent violence
☐ Will ‘blame the victim’
☐ Could harm the person who has been hurt
☐ Is likely to hurt the person doing harm if they find out
☐ Gossips in a way that makes the intervention harder
☐ Would try to get in the way of an intervention
☐ Not sure why—but just have a sense that they would get in the way of an intervention.
Barriers Checklist Summary:
If the person or group seems to be a barrier, what are the next steps?
Look at the following suggested steps and see if they make sense in this situation.
☐ Make sure that they don’t find out
☐ Get people to agree that they won’t tell the person
☐ Make sure that the person won’t find out accidentally (like through shared emails, meeting notes, overheard conversations, social media)
☐ Distract them to lessen their chance of finding out or causing harm
☐ Make safety plans in case the person finds out or creates harm (See How to stay safe for the person harmed, for the person causing harm or for allies)
Other things that might get in the way of an intervention Checklist
It’s not just people who can be barriers: time, resources, laws, can get in the way too. This tool is to help you identify other barriers and plan to work around them.
Time: How can time be a barrier?
☐ Timeline or deadline coming up (for example, we need to help someone escape during the time that her partner is out of town, the partner is returning in 2 days)
☐ People can’t find time that everyone can meet
☐ People don’t have time to meet at all
☐ People are only free for a short time
☐ Other: ______________________________________________
Resources: How can resources be a barrier?
☐ No transport to get to a meeting
☐ No place to meet that is big enough, private enough, warm enough, etc
☐ Need childcare to be able to meet
☐ Financial or housing needs are so urgent that nothing else can be done
☐ Other: ______________________________________________
Laws or systems: How can laws or systems be a barrier?
☐ Dealing with child abuse but don’t want to report—need to think about who is legally required to report, such as teachers, social workers, doctors
☐ Need medical care but don’t want abuse reported to police
☐ Someone involved has overstayed their visa and is at risk of being caught
☐ Someone involved is in trouble with the law so is at risk of being caught
☐ Want to tell workplace but not sure about their policies around violence—what do they do about people who have been harmed? what do they do about people causing harm?
☐ Other: ______________________________________________
Allies and barriers: summary
Once you have gone through the tools including Ally roles, the Good ally Checklist and the Barriers Checklist, use this tool to make a summary of allies and barriers. It can lead to the next action steps, including who will be responsible for contacting allies and what can be done to reduce the harm of barriers.
Allies:
Potential Allies - Names | Strengths / Possible Role(s) | Risks / Possible Challenges | Who Will Contact Them? | Are they on board? |
|---|---|---|---|---|
Next steps for allies?
Barriers:
Potential Barriers - Names of Person or Problem | Why they are harmful | How could we reduce harm? |
|---|---|---|
Next steps for barriers?
Invitation to help with an intervention
(This can be given to a potential ally or used as a script to talk with them)
Hello, I want to talk to you about...
(short description of what’s happening)
We are asking you to think about being part of our group as we …
(short description of the possible intervention)
We think you would be a good person for …
(short description of possible roles)
We thought of you as a person to help because …
(who they know, skills, knowledge, resources, etc)
We have some information to help prepare you …
Information about violence (could include: Basics about violence)
Information about this approach to violence intervention (Could include: FAQ, Basics section, Community allies , About section)
We ask you to agree to the following (even if you decide not to join) …
Who it’s okay to talk to:
Who it’s not okay to talk to:
Requests made by the person harmed:
Anything they need to know about the person doing harm:
Any other requests:
Your involvement could include …
Next steps for participation …
If you have more questions, contact …
Dealing with strong negative feelings and fantasy
People often have strong feelings, fantasies or hopes about what an intervention can do. It’s good to get those feelings out. It can help allies to talk without the person doing harm or the person who was hurt so they can talk freely—for example, they might want to talk about feelings that blame the person hurt. It’s important for them to do that so they can move past those feelings and onto goals that are more real and in line with their values.
The person who was harmed may have goals like:
-
I wish the person doing harm were dead or had to go through what they did to me
-
I wish the person doing harm would be publicly humiliated and hurt so they will never do this again
-
I wish this had never happened to me
-
I wish that I could feel the same as before this happened.
Allies goal might include:
-
I wish this didn’t keep happening
-
I wish there was an easy way to fix this
-
I wish the person who was harmed would cut off all contact with the person doing harm
-
I wish the person who caused harm would do everything we want
-
I wish someone else would deal with this.
The person doing harm may want things like:
-
I wish everyone would just forgive me and let us move on
-
I wish everyone would understand that I was under a lot of pressure and cut me some slack
-
I wish everyone understood that the person I hurt deserved it—anybody would have done the same thing if they were in my shoes
-
I wish this had never happened.
Extreme responses and fantasies are normal. These questions can help work out if what you want is a good goal:
-
Is it possible to achieve this goal?
-
Does the goal fit your values?
-
Will working on this goal lead to more harm?
Goal setting guiding questions and chart
These questions will help you think about what you want. They can be answered individually or as a group.
If what you’re doing is mainly focused on the goals of the person who was harmed (this is sometimes called a ‘survivor-centred’ intervention), then this might be about what they want. Others can also use this tool for themselves, and for the needs of the person who was harmed and the community.
Guided questions
What do I want?
-
For myself
-
For the person who was harmed (if I am not the person harmed)
-
For other important people (like children, whānau, friends, organisation)
-
For the person doing harm (if I am not the person doing harm)
-
For the larger community (which community?)
What do I NOT want? (Use the categories above)
What is important to me? (Values, ways that things will happen, or people.
What are my most important wants (or goals)?
Is there anything that is an absolute ‘must have’ or ‘must do’?
Is there anything that is an absolute ‘must not’?
Did I think about things like: safety, money, connections or relationships, other things that are important to me?
Do these goals fit with my values? Is there anything I would add or leave out after thinking about this?
Are some more achievable than others? Which are most achievable? Is there anything I would add or leave out after thinking about this?
Will working towards any of these goals lead to more harm (to myself, the person who was hurt, the person doing harm, or others)? Is there anything I would add or leave out after thinking about this?
What goals might be fantasies? Is there anything I would add or leave out after thinking about this?
What would I consider a success?
What goals would I consider ‘good enough’?
Can I divide these goals into long-term and short-term?
Goal setting Chart
After answering the guided questions, write your goals in the following chart so you can easily see them and share with others. Add a star to the goals that are most important.
Goals/Wants – or – Don’t Want | For who? | Is this goal realistic? Yes, maybe, no | Short-term or long-term | Anything else |
|---|---|---|---|---|
I want:
I don’t want:
Bottom-lines
(must haves/ must nots): |
Bottom-lines might be limits that you make to be involved in the intervention. They might be personal, like the amount of time you can spend. They might be about how the intervention takes place, like who is involved or if you won’t be part of anything that breaks the law. (What are limits or bottom-lines?).
Mapping combined goals chart
After everyone involved in the intervention has had a chance to complete their goals worksheets, this chart can be used to bring the answers together and develop group goals.
Goals brainstorm | Individual goals | Goals about the person harmed | Goals about the person causing harm | General goals |
|---|---|---|---|---|
List everyone’s goals here | List goals about particular people (with name or initials) | List goals about the person harmed | List goals about the person doing harm | List goals about the intervention not a specific person |
Bottom-lines brainstorm | Individual Bottom-lines | Bottom-lines specific to the person harmed | Bottom-lines specific to person doing harm | General bottom-lines |
List must-haves (mark with +) and must-not-haves (mark with -) | List bottom-lines about particular people (with name or initials) | List bottom-lines about the person harmed | List bottom-lines about the person doing harm | List bottom-lines about other people, groups, organisations, etc |
Shared goals charts
After mapping the group’s goals, you can use the chart below to document the ‘final’ goals that the group agrees to. Your goals might change over time, so come back to this chart often and change as needed.
GOALS
Agreed-on goals
List all agreed-on goals
Agreed-on bottom-lines
List all agreed-on bottom-lines about the process or outcomes
Goals/bottom-lines conflicts, disagreements or questions
List all conflicts, disagreements or questions
Need more information
List all goals and bottom-lines that need more information or input from other people
Collective goals summary checklist and next steps
Once the group has its goals, you can use this checklist to figure out next steps. The key question is: Do you agree enough to move forward?
☐ Does the group agree enough on goals to move forward?
☐ Can the group live with goals or bottom-lines that are important to one person but not to everyone in the group?
☐ If there are conflicts or disagreements in goals, can you still agree to move forward together?
☐ If there are conflicts or disagreements in bottom-lines, can you still agree to move forward together?
☐ Do you have all the information you need for goals and bottom-lines?
If you checked all boxes, you can move on to working out your next steps
Goals next step timeline
Next Steps | Who is responsible | Timeline or other conditions |
|---|---|---|
If you did NOT check all boxes (You don’t have agreement or consensus right now), consider the following options:
Plan another meeting
(giving people time to think about it):
☐ Yes
☐ No
If ‘yes’, where is the next meeting, when will it be? __________________
Who can make it? _________________________________
Who can’t make it? ______________________________________
For those who can’t make it, how can they give their input? ___________
What do you need to think about before the next meeting? _______
What do people need to bring to the next meeting? _____________
Plan another way to keep building agreement or consensus:
☐ Yes
☐ No
If ‘yes’, how will you communicate (email, phone, meetings in person, etc)?
Who will co-ordinate results? _________________________________
Who will make sure everyone gets the results? _____________________
How will you know when you can move on? _______________________
Someone with goals or bottom-lines that block agreement decides they can live with the group goals and bottom-lines even though they don’t fully agree.
☐ Yes
☐ No
If ‘yes’, are there any requests or ideas about coming back to these disagreements later? If so, what are they? ________
Need to get more information.
☐ Yes
☐ No
If ‘yes’, what information is needed? _________________________
How will you get it? _______________________________________
Who will get it? __________________________________________
How will they bring it back to the group? _________
What are the next steps? _______________________
The group disbands.
☐ Yes
☐ No
If ‘yes’ and you disband, will a different team come together (which might include some of the same people)? If so, how? ___________________________
If ‘yes’ and you disband, agree upon ways that you will leave the process without creating more harm. (For example, telling people that agreement could not be reached could suggest that no one will respond to, stop or prevent harm. It could increase harm (or potential harm) for the person who was hurt and others involved in the intervention)
Safety and confidentiality questions to ask:
Who can know about this process so far? __________________
Who cannot know about this process so far? ________________
Any other safety measures that should be followed? __________
Any other things that need to be done? ____________
List agreements:
If ‘yes’ and you disband, talk about ways that some of you might keep working on the situation. Are there ways that you can stay in touch and support each other? Or conditions where you might come back together?
List ways some of you might keeping working on the situation:
Turning goals into action
An action plan turn goals into action. Do this for every goal you’ve agreed on, including goals for individuals (See mapping combined goals chart and and shared collective goals chart for creating collective goals).
Chart: Making goals into action (by goal)
Goal | Action step (may be more than one for each goal) | Who is responsible for action? | How do we know when it is done? What does it look like? |
|---|---|---|---|
What does the person who has harmed need? Checklist
Supporting people who were harmed can look many different ways. This tool has types of support that people who were harmed have said were helpful.
If you are the person harmed, this list is good to share with allies (add your own ideas too).
Ways to support someone who was harmed
☐ Making a human connection
☐ Letting them know someone cares
☐ Listening to their story
☐ Asking what they need
☐ Helping get what they need
☐ Reminding them that interpersonal violence happens to lots of people
☐ Praising them for everything they do about their situation of harm, including talking
☐ Letting them know they’re not alone
☐ Things you can offer:
☐ Listening ear
☐ Patience when they can’t make a decision, are confused, change their mind, repeat themselves
☐ Someone to lean on, a hand to hold through fear, shame, confusion, depression, embarrassment
☐ Sounding board—to listen and offer feedback, and only give advice if asked
☐ Safety (See How do you stay safe)
☐ Medical care
☐ Mental health care or counselling
☐ Spiritual support
☐ Companionship
☐ Supporting children or other dependents—childcare, child pick-up, activities with children, emotional support for children who may be going through a hard time too
☐ Taking care of pets, plants or others they usually care for
☐ Helping others to be good allies—trusted friends, family members, neighbours, co-workers, community members
☐ Protecting them from people who bring risk or harm, and people who want to be helpful but aren’t
☐ Supporting the person doing harm to take accountability, if you can (See How do we support accountability)
☐ Taking accountability if you are the person who caused harm (See How can you take accountability)
☐ Help finding and connecting them to resources
☐ Help with housing or safe shelter
☐ Help moving, storing things, packing, unpacking
☐ Help with rides/transportation, access to telephone or internet
☐ Help with other necessary things (clothes, food, money, transport, etc)
☐ Help figuring out how they want to talk about what is happening, what they need, and what they want to prioritise
☐ Help with translation, interpretation (for non-English or limited English speakers or hearing or visually impaired), and issues working with service providers
☐ Help figuring out ways around systems like police, criminal justice, immigration, or child welfare
☐ Help them use this website
☐ Become familiar with this website
☐ Introduce them to the website in a way that is useful, like reading pieces, printing pages, translating useful information
☐ Introduce other allies to the website in a way that is useful
☐ Play a role as an ally (See Who can help)
What does the person who was harmed need? Guiding questions
If you have been harmed by violence and want support from others that you trust, these are some questions to think about:
Who can support you?
-
Who are the people you usually turn to?
-
Who has been helpful? What made them helpful?
-
Who do you think could help with your situation of violence?
-
If you aren’t sure you want to turn the people you usually turn to, why not?
-
When you think about people to support you with your situation of violence, what is important to you?
-
Who are some other trusted people you might be able to talk to?
-
If you can’t think of anybody right now, what sort of people could you look for to help?
What kind of support do you want?
-
What support do you want (make a list)?:
(See What does the person who was harmed need? Checklist for ideas) -
When you look at the list above, the most important are:
-
Are there things that you know you do NOT want?
-
Think about how to use this exercise to ask for help. You can practise asking for these things. You can meet with someone you trust and have them help you figure out how to find more support. You can use these lists to write a letter about what you want (and don’t want).
Participation of the person who was harmed in an intervention
If the person who was harmed wants to be involved, interventions that include them work better and are safer. This chart helps sort out what level of their involvement best describes your intervention process, or what you would like your process to be.
Chart. Participation levels of the person who was harmed
Involvement of the person who was harmed and priority | Leadership and the person who was harmed | Intervention goals and the person who was harmed | Co-ordination and decisions and the person who was harmed | Communication and the person who was harmed |
|---|---|---|---|---|
Highest level of involvement and priority | Person who was harmed leads the intervention | The intervention takes on the goals of the person who was harmed | Person who was harmed makes the decisions and leads a group of allies | Person who was harmed is making all decisions so knows all information, decides what to communicate with other allies or person doing harm |
Priority, but thinking about others too | Person who was harmed leads the intervention, others have important roles like facilitator or co-ordinator | Goals of the person who was harmed are the priority, with group input and agreement with goals | Person who was harmed is involved in all decisions, and there are processes for input from others | Person who was harmed knows all information and is involved in all decisions; a group also has information and is part of decisions |
Important, but balanced with others | Some sort of shared leadership, even if the person harmed started the process, or if there is a main facilitator or co-ordinator | Goals of the person who was harmed are central, group input and others’ goals have been included and group consensus reached | A group is co-ordinating decision-making, which includes the person who was harmed as a contributor | Group process for sharing information and communicating with everyone, including the person who was harmed |
Important, but role is mostly to give feedback | Person who was harmed isn’t very involved in the intervention, but gives feedback | Person who was harmed agrees with and helped set goals, the group may decide whether they are involved in changes to goals | Person who was harmed isn’t very involved, but has agreed to a process for giving feedback | Person who was harmed isn’t very involved, but there is a process and time for sharing information and getting feedback |
Person who was harmed agrees but not involved* | Person who was harmed agrees with the intervention, but isn’t involved | Person who was harmed might help set goals and agree with them, might decide whether to be involved in changes to goals | Person who was harmed is not involved in co-ordination or decisions | Person who was harmed might be given information at agreed times, like the end of the intervention |
Person who was harmed disagrees and is not involved* | Person who was harmed disagrees with the intervention and isn’t involved | Person who was harmed disagrees, but the group thinks about what they want or might want, especially for safety | Person who was harmed is not involved in co-ordination or decisions | Person who was harmed disagrees. They might be given some information so they know what is happening with the intervention |
Person who was harmed is not involved at all* | The person who was harmed isn’t available | Group includes known or likely goals of the person who was harmed, especially for safety | Person who was harmed is not involved in co-ordination or decisions | Person who was harmed might be given information so they know what is happening with the intervention |
*What if the person who was harmed is not involved?
In the last three rows, the person who was harmed is not involved in the intervention. For example, they may want to move on, they may be scared or in hiding. The person harmed might not be connected or known, they may be too young to be involved, or unwell, they might have died.
But the intervention goes ahead because others decide they have to respond to what happened. For example, organisations often have policies about responding to abuse, a whānau might want to deal with a whanaunga’s behaviour, some people will feel like they either have to drop their friend or support them to change.
Even though it’s better if the person harmed is involved, it is possible to respond to violence with little or no involvement from them. The intervention still has responsibility to support them and try not to add to their harm. This can include:
-
Making sure they know how to join at any time, and the process to check in with them
-
Including their goals or likely goals
-
Offering support listed in What does the person who was harmed need? Checklist
-
Someone representing them, like a partner, close friend, parent or other whanaunga
-
Offering an updates on the intervention, like:
-
Things the person doing harm or the community that allowed harm have been asked to do
-
What kind of follow-up the person or community doing harm will do
-
Results of the intervention at agreed times (like weekly, monthly, after anything important happens or at the end of an intervention).
-
Staircase of change
Our vision of accountability:
-
Believes that change is possible, even for those who do serious violence
-
Focuses on responsibility not punishment
-
Understands that communities as well as individuals are responsible for change
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Sees accountability as a process of change.
Process of change as a staircase
One way of understanding the process of change is as a staircase.
The image of a staircase tells us that:
-
Change may come one step a time
-
Each step is important
-
We might aim for the top of the staircase, but we might not reach it
-
For every situation, each step will mean different actions and changes
-
We may not be able to see the next step until the step below is reached.
Stop immediate violence (or stop it enough to go to next step)
Step 1
Recognise the violence
Step 2
Recognise the consequences of violence without excuses
Step 3
Make repairs for the harm
Step 4
Change harmful attitudes and behaviours so that violence is not repeated
Step 5
Create a healthier community
Step 6
Step 1: Stop immediate violence
The first step to change is simple. Stop violence. For some interventions, stopping the immediate violence might be the only goal.
It might mean stopping a specific act of violence from happening, or stopping it enough, so that you can talk about what the next step might be (See Stopping violence as the first step).
Sometimes the person doing harm won’t stop. You might have to use pressure, threats or force to make sure they do (See Tips to make this mahi easier for more about the use of force). This means things like asking someone to stay away or leave, explaining that there will be consequences if violence continues, or physically stopping someone from acting violently in that moment. You might need to act immediately. You might be in a situation of serious harm, injury or even death. You might be protecting children. You might not be able to get the person doing harm to agree to stop. There might not be time.
Sometimes stopping violence means getting out of harm’s way. For some, getting away from the person doing harm may be the only way to stop violence, at least in the short term.
Step 2. Recognise the violence
For some people who have caused harm, admitting to violence is huge. They might not want to admit what they did. They might not even understand that they were violent.
Recognising the violence is saying, “Yes, I did these things.”.
“Yes, I did hit you.”
“Yes, it’s true. I didn’t let you go to work.”
“Yes, I called you names in front of the kids.”
“Yes, I stopped you seeing your friends.”
They might still make excuses for the harm, minimise its impact, or blame someone else. They might admit the impact of what they did—how it made people feel, how it hurt others. They might not care that it harmed other people.
But they accept the fact of their violence—they name it in a similar way to the person harmed.
Step 3. Recognise the effects, without excuses
Step 3 moves to recognising the effect of their violence without excuses. This includes effects they didn’t intend.
The person doing harm that reaches Step 3 has thought about what they’ve done. They’ve listened to other people’s experience of their violence and are starting to understand the effect of their attitudes and actions on others.
They’ve stopped making excuses and stopped letting you make excuses for them. They can accept the violence and abuse as their fault and their responsibility.
They’ve stopped getting angry when confronted with what they’ve done. They’ve stopped looking for sympathy and telling their side of the story.
They’re feeling sorry for what they’ve done. They are starting to deal with regret, embarrassment and shame. They have begun to accept these feelings without fighting against them, making excuses, being self-destructive or attacking other people.
They’re starting to understand that there are consequences for what they’ve done. They may have lost trust, relationships and more. They don’t blame others for losing these things, they know it is because of their attitudes and actions.
These are examples of someone starting to take accountability:
“Yes, I hit you. I hit you with my fist and tried to hit you in a place where nobody would see the mark. I kept saying and thinking it was your fault, but I now see that I had a choice. It is my fault—not yours.
“I see that by hitting you, I caused fear. I caused you to hate me, to not trust me—you might never trust me again. I caused you physical pain, but I can now see how much I hurt you at your core.
“You had to hide your bruises so nobody would see them. We pretended like nothing happened. I wouldn’t let you bring it up, threatening to hit you again if you did. Sometimes I didn’t use the words, but gave you a look so that you’d know you’d better watch it.”
“Yes, I called you names in front of the kids. I knew it would hurt you and humiliate you. Thinking back, that’s why I did it. I felt angry and took it out on you. I didn’t care if the kids were around. Maybe I wanted them to think you were a bad mother and turn against you.
“I didn’t see how much this hurt my kids. I didn’t care. I can now see how our son acts like me—terrorising his sister and calling you a b****, like I did. I can see how our daughter hates me. I blamed it on her or you, or anybody but me. I never wanted to admit that it was my fault. I was proud that my son didn’t take s*** from you and stood by me. But he’s scared of me, too.”
Step 4. Make repairs for the harm.
This step is the person doing harm trying to repair the harm. Not just the quick and easy things, but things that the people hurt or the community ask for. They might also come up with their own ideas to start putting right what they’ve done.
Repair might not make up for the harm done. But they are real and symbolic attempts to make the lives of those who have been harmed better.
Repairs may be:
-
Sincere apologies:
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With specific details of the harm (Step 1 and 2)
-
Without excuses (Step 2)
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With full acknowledgment of the effects on individuals and the community (Step 2)
-
With commitment to never repeat these harms (See Step 5)
-
Without trying to look good or for self-gain other than making repairs for harms done
-
-
Public apologies that the person who was harmed and people in the intervention agree to:
-
In person to the person who was harmed or their representative, based on what the person harmed wants
-
In person to other people affected by the violence or their representatives
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In person to a larger group they are accountable to—whānau or friends of the person harmed, their own whānau or friends, their organisation, a wider community
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In other forms, like skype, written letter, letter posted on a website
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Without trying to look good or for self-gain other than making repairs for harms done
-
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Services, like: fixing things that are broken, cooking, cleaning, making something useful, providing some work for the person harmed, the community or someone agreed on
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Financial repairs, like: money for the people harmed, money for damages, money to pay for something valued by the people harmed, returning money taken or spent carelessly, taking over credit card payments, mortgages or debt, money for medical care or counselling, money so the person harmed can enjoy themselves
-
Committing to stop violence, and doing things to back that up.
Example of an accountability letter:
“I am letting L, her family and our friends know about my actions against her. Although she asked me to write this, I agree that sharing this with you is my responsibility. This is a step in being accountable for how much I hurt her and in doing so, hurt all of you as well.
“As you know, L and I met 8 years ago. I loved her and respected her and respect her to this day. But I acted in ways that were the opposite of loving and respectful.
“My abuse began with jealousy. I was jealous when she looked at anyone else. I was even jealous when she was with her friends. I began to control her behaviour—making her feel uncomfortable when she went out without me. I questioned what she did, who she talked to, how she felt. I knew it was wrong, but I made excuses to myself—I was being loving, or I couldn’t lose her so I had to watch her all the time.
“When she wouldn’t answer the way I wanted or she went out anyway or did what she wanted, I began to lose my temper. At first I yelled. Then I began to throw things and hit things near her. One time I hit her, leaving the mark of my hand on her face. I begged her not to tell anyone and I promised never to do it again. She stayed home from work for a couple of days—and I did stop for a while.
“But it didn’t stop there. The next time I knew not to hit her where anyone would see the mark. I started to hit her on her head or body where people wouldn’t see. This happened about every 6 months at first. But it started to get worse, and I would hit her or threaten her every couple of months. I apologised every time and begged her to forgive me. I promised to change and go to counselling. But I never followed through. I never found any help and hoped that she would forget. I hoped I would just stop or things would change. I told myself that I didn’t hit her that hard—that it was understandable because she kept doing things I asked her not to do. I always made excuses for myself or blamed her.
“She tried to talk to me about it, but I wouldn’t talk about it. I would either threaten her or walk out of the house or tell her that she was crazy.
“I didn’t think about how this affected her. I only thought about how I felt—about how everything affected me.
“She finally threatened to leave me and this time I believed it. I hit her and broke the things that were most important to her. I got so I didn’t even apologise any more. I would leave the house and come back later hoping everything would be forgotten.
“Some of you came to me then. I lied. I said it only happened a couple of times. I said that she was crazy and exaggerating. I didn’t want to face what I had done. I felt ashamed and blamed her for telling people about our business.
“This past few months have been my biggest challenge. But I have to thank you for stopping me. I’m not sure what I would have done next.
“You didn’t back down, and L, you didn’t back down even though I wanted you to. I know that if you hadn’t stepped in—especially L’s sister and her husband, I would not have stopped. I didn’t know what to do and just kept doing the same thing over and over.
“I am hoping that L and I can continue our relationship. I know it might be too late. I have accepted that I cannot control our relationship and can only control myself. I am going to counselling every week and starting to discover what it means to be an adult and take responsibility for my behaviour.
“I am deeply sorry. I apologise to all of you. L, I apologise to you. I know I hurt you so many times in so many ways. I hope that you will be able to trust people again and heal from everything I have done to you. I know trust is something I must earn and that it might take a very long time. I accept that responsibility and hope that I can honour that no matter what happens—even if you decide that you can’t stay in this relationship. If that is the case, please know that I will not do anything to stop you or hurt you. This is your choice.
“I apologise to your family. I hurt your daughter. I made your sister suffer. I have caused so much pain and suffering as you worried about L’s safety and dignity. You saw her change from a loving person with confidence to someone living in constant fear. I know nothing can make up for that.
“I have talked with all of you and as you know, I promise to do the following:
“I will treat L with respect and kindness.
“I will never threaten L with harm. I will not throw anything, hit anything. I will not touch her in any harmful or unwanted way. I will never insult her or call her names. I will not tell her what she can or can’t do, who she can or can’t see. I will communicate with her and discuss what she wants and needs. I will listen and not interrupt.
“I will continue to seek help in order to change my attitudes and behaviours. I have a better understanding now than ever in my life and for that, I am grateful. I know that change takes time. I will not stop getting help. I have found a group that has a programme for people who are violent. I started going and will continue to attend to the end.
“I will support L to get what she needs in order to recover and have agreed to pay for her counselling.
“I will talk about other things with L—how we share work around the house, decisions about what we do together, decisions about our finances. These are things that I know we must share together.
“I believe I am a changed person and thank L and all of you for helping me stop my violence. And I know I have a long way to go.”
Step 5. Change harmful attitudes and behaviours so that violence is not repeated
Step 5 moves beyond the specific harms to the causes for violence. The person doing harm must be responsible not only for past harms but for future behaviour, to live free from violence.
Changing harmful attitudes and behaviours involves a deep look at oneself and the types of attitudes and behaviours that are related to violence. This could include:
-
Moving from feeling superior to others, to feeling more equal and humble
-
Moving from expecting to get what they want, to expecting some give and take
-
Dealing with insecurity and low self-worth
-
Getting help for problems with alcohol and drugs
-
Getting help for problems of gambling or careless spending
-
Getting help for child sexual abuse or physical abuse and their relationship to violence now
-
Letting go of controlling behaviours, being open to what others want
-
Seeing other people as partners and companions, not objects.
Step 6. Create a healthier community
Steps 1–5 move towards the person who caused harm becoming a healthy part of a community. At some point, efforts to stay accountable may move towards confidence in being a healthy and respectful partner, family member, friend, co-worker, neighbour and community member.
Someone who has taken accountability and changed might be able to help someone else causing harm. It could help to have support from someone who has been through the same thing.
As a healthy member of their community, the person who caused harm might help change others’ ideas about taking accountability from shame to honour and courage.
Your staircase of change: What does it look like?
This tool can be used for anyone to think about what a staircase of change would look like in their situation. What would show that someone is making progress with accountability?
The person who has been harmed and allies can use this to figure out what they can ask the person doing harm (or the community) to do. Remember that Step 1 might be as far as you get in an intervention.
You might set goals like naming the harms and recognising the attitudes and actions that were harmful (Step 2).
You might expect the person doing harm to admit all of the effects of their harm without making any excuses (step 3).
You might expect the person doing harm to help repair the harm by offering resources or service (step 4).
Your measurable goals for accountability might stop at Step 4. You might be able to tell when someone has reached steps 5 and 6, but explaining what it would look like is harder.
Stop immediate violence (or stop it enough to go to next step)
Step 1
Recognise the violence
Step 2
Recognise the consequences of violence without excuses
Step 3
Make repairs for the harm
Step 4
Change harmful attitudes and behaviours so that violence is not repeated
Step 5
Create a healthier community
Step 6
Step 1: Stop immediate violence
What specific harmful, abusive or violent actions need to stop? (See Basics about violence and What is going on)
Are there bottom-lines?
Are there priorities?
Are there some forms of harm, abuse or violence that are less important, or that could even be let go of? Or come back to later? (Only the person harmed will know what is important. Something that looks small to an outsider might mean something big)
Do these harms or violence need to stop completely, how can people know they have stopped?
Step 2: Recognise the violence
What specific harmful, abusive or violent actions does the person doing harm need to name and recognise?
Are there bottom-lines?
Are there priorities?
Are there some forms of harm, abuse or violence that are less important to name, or that could be let go of? Or come back to later?
Step 3: Recognise the effects of violence without excuses
What are the effects of the violence? (See Basics about violence [link to section])
Who has been hurt or affected by the violence?
What were the immediate effects, like injuries, fear, days off work, events they couldn’t go to?
What are the long-term effects, like not trusting anyone, nightmares, flashbacks, loss of self-confidence, lost housing, lost job, lost relationships with children and friends, jail?
Step 4: Make repairs for the harm
What can be done to repair the harm? (knowing that there might be nothing that can totally repair it) Financial repair? Services? Apologies? Public apologies or other responses?
To who?
For how long?
Step 5: Change harmful attitudes and behaviours so violence isn’t repeated
What underlying attitudes and behaviours helped cause the violence?
What changes in underlying attitude or behaviour are needed?
Step 6: (For the person causing harm) Create a healthier community
How can you support a healthier, less violent community?
What violence in the community have you known about, but didn’t do anything about?
What was it about the social group or community that helped you to do something?
What got in the way of you doing something?
Who are other people in your community that a staircase of their own might help? How can you support them?
Your staircase to change
Use your own words to describe what your steps to change or accountability look like.
Staircase to change
Step 1
Step 2
Step 3
Step 4
Step 5
Step 6
Level of participation for people who were harmed Chart
If you are the person harmed, and taking accountability is part of your intervention, you can choose whether or not you want to be involved in that part (and you can change your mind too).
Taking accountability and the person doing harm
This part of an intervention usually involves working with the person doing harm. Real accountability won’t usually come from punishment or revenge, but from care, connection and support for the person doing harm (that doesn’t have to come from you). It helps if they aren’t just pushed into it, but pulled as well.
The Staircase of change describes accountability as a series of steps. It aims to show that change is good not only for you and the community, but for the person doing harm as well. They can have better and more meaningful relationships, live better lives, create respect and healthiness rather than abuse and harm.
How will you participate?
This sort of intervention works best with you involved—how you’re involved will depend on your situation and what you want (for help thinking about how you’ll be involved, see What support do I need, especially Participation in an intervention of the person who was harmed. Chart).
If your intervention includes working with the person doing harm on accountability, think about how you want to be involved in that part. There might be danger, manipulation and the same sort of violence and abuse you’ve had before. You might want to be less involved for this part, or not involved at all.
Your involvement might be different at different times. For example, you might want to name the violence and its effects, and nothing else. Or you might want to guide setting the goals about repairs, but then have other people make those goals happen.
Think about each step in the Staircase of change, and how you want to participate:
Stop immediate violence (or stop it enough to go to next step)
Step 1
Recognise the violence
Step 2
Recognise the consequences of violence without excuses
Step 3
Make repairs for the harm
Step 4
Change harmful attitudes and behaviours so that violence is not repeated
Step 5
Create a healthier community
Step 6
Think about:
-
Physical presence. Do you want to be there in person at any stage of working with the person doing harm? Would you get anything out of being there in person? What is important for your safety (physical, emotional and other)?
-
Leadership. How much do you want to be leading things? How much do you want to work with your allies to set the terms for accountability? How much do you expect the person doing harm to be part of setting the terms?
-
Working with the person doing harm. We hope the person doing harm can work towards accountability. Your process should expect resistance, withstand their dodging and delaying and outlast them to reduce these tactics over time. Even if an intervention begins with pressure or force, there might still be room for care and connection with the person doing harm. This may lead to steps where they are a participant, not a target. Do you want to be part of this?
-
Sharing information. Sharing information is especially important if you are less involved. What kind of information and communication do you expect and need?
Level of participation by the person harmed in the process of taking accountability
Level: can be high in one and low in another | Physical presence | Leadership | Working with the person doing harm | Sharing information |
|---|---|---|---|---|
Highest | I want to be there in person and the main actor | I want to be leading, directing and setting the terms | I want my input and participation to be the most visible and prioritised; I want the person doing harm to listen and follow, but not make any decisions | I want to decide and know everything |
High | I want to be there in person and given special consideration, but not necessarily the main actor | I want to have a main role and what I think to be the priority, but I don’t always need to lead | I want my input and participation to be the most visible and prioritised; the person doing harm can make suggestions and comments | I want to know everything but I won’t always be deciding |
Middle | I want to be there in person at a level similar to other people | I want to be involved in a similar way to others | I want my input and participation to be high, and I expect high participation and input by the person doing harm; we can have some back and forth | I want the important information |
Low | I want to be there but in a protected position | I want to have input and give feedback, but I don’t want to be part of doing anything | I want the person doing harm and their allies to come up with an accountability process and I will make comments and changes | I want information at key moments or a regular time, but don’t need to know everything that’s going on |
Minimal | I want to be there but maybe in another room or by phone or skype | I want to have input and give feedback, and then step away | I am leaving it to my allies to work with the person doing harm to figure out how accountability will happen; I want to know what is going on and will give feedback | Let me know what happens at the end or if there are big changes |
None, but you have my approval | I don’t want to be there | I trust the group, I don’t want to be involved | I am leaving this to my allies to work with the person doing harm to figure out how accountability will happen | I don’t need any more information |
None, the person harmed disagrees | Not there, or there but disagreeing | Might not be involved, might be disagreeing or working against the intervention | Might not be involved, might be part of different way of responding to the harm, or working with the person doing harm against the intervention | May not be in touch, or communicating to have some control over a process I disagree with |
Self-reflection and guiding questions for people who were harmed (and allies)
If you are the person who was harmed, the part of the intervention about taking accountability is often hard. Because it means working with the person doing harm, there is a high chance of manipulation, and the sorts of abuse and violence you’ve had before.
If you don’t want to, or you don’t feel ready or supported enough for this, think about leaving it out of your intervention right now. Making that decision can be a step towards feeling like you are getting back power and control in your life.
The process of taking accountability can lead to deep change. It can be long and hard, with the person doing harm resisting.
Your group should expect this. The group should try to withstand the dodging and delaying and outlast resistance to reduce it over time, and keep working on accountability. The group should expect resistance in ways that are dangerous or threatening to you, your dependents and others in the intervention.
You can also get something out of this. You can set your goals, find your way towards them, and there are tools to bring in allies to help. If the person who hurt you taking accountability is something you want, this approach asks you to think about being part of working with them.
This tool has questions for you and your allies to prepare you for some participation in the process of taking accountability.
Your special role as the person harmed
Your goals may depend on your relationship with the person causing harm. For example, if they are someone you are with as a partner, do you want to stay together, or not? If they are someone you are separated from, do you want to stay separated? Are they someone you still need to share parenting or community with? (See What do you want for more support around these questions).
You might be thinking about a high level of involvement in the intervention, you probably know better than anyone what happened—the violence, the harm caused and what needs to be done. Others may have some understanding but might not know all the details that will help when they meet with the person doing harm.
This is a hard position, and one you might not choose to take. Working with allies can lighten the burden and help you come up with better ideas and strategies than you would alone. This tool can help with details on what to expect from an accountability process and how to prepare.
You will still need to weigh the costs and benefits of your involvement, even while you don’t know what the outcome will be.
Overall questions
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What are your goals? What do you want?
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Are any steps in accountability or the Staircase of change linked to your goals?
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What could bring about change in the person doing harm?
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What do they care about? Including other people, or their reputation.
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Have you seen their potential for change?
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If you have, could it be part of a cycle that returns to violence?
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Are these moments of change ways to get what they want, like getting you to come back, staying in control, getting sympathy, looking good?
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Even if the things they care about are self-centred, could they help you get what you want?
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If so, how could you use them to reach your goals?
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Is there anything the person doing harm could say or do that might risk your credibility and support?
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Is there information that you have not shared with others that the person doing harm could share?
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What can the person doing harm accuse you of? Can you handle that now?
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Is there anything that someone else, including allies or potential allies, could say or do that might put your credibility and support at risk?
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What could be the worst result of this request for accountability?
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How can you protect yourself from the worst results? Can you live with the worst results?
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Do you want to go ahead?
Step 1: Stop immediate violence
Step 1 might be the only goal of your intervention. Stopping violence can be hard by itself. It might be the best you can hope for. Or the violence might be long over and this step isn’t relevant.
It might take some pressure, threats or force to stop the violence. This might include demanding that the person stop, yelling at them to stop, someone physically stopping them, threatening to leave if the violence doesn’t stop, telling others about the violence, threats of pay-back, threats of unknown serious consequence or to call the police.
Stopping violence with force might look like: taking away weapons, locking the person out of the house, banning them from being near children they’ve harmed, suspending them from work, or grabbing someone who is beating their partner.
Stopping violence may be simple or complicated. It can be the highest level of risk. The person might never have been challenged before. They might be popular among your friends, including the people you might want in an intervention.
An intervention that stops the immediate violence is a success.
Questions:
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What specific forms of their violence do you want to respond to, stop or prevent?
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Do you want to respond to it, stop it or prevent it? What makes most sense?
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How can that happen?
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Can it happen with participation and agreement from the person doing harm?
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What kinds of pressure or force might be needed?
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Is the pressure or force actually punishment or pay-back? If pressure or force is necessary, can you do it in ways that aren’t punishing or pay-back?
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What would your role need to be for this to happen?
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Do you want to do that? What are the benefits? What are the drawbacks?
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What are the dangers to you if you are there? How will you stay safe? (See How do we stay safe)
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What are your goals and bottom-lines in stopping the violence? (See What do we want)
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Could you see getting to Step 1, and only Step 1, as success?
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How will you feel if you can’t reach Step 1?
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Will there be consequences for the person doing harm if they don’t stop their immediate violence?
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What will those consequences be? Would you tell them the consequences? Who and how would you tell them safely and effectively? Would you actually carry out those consequences? What are possible effects if you carry them out? What are possible effects if you don’t?
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Are there other concerns if Step 1 isn’t reached? Think of safety, increases in their violence or ability to carry out violence, other possible results? How can you and others be safe? (See How do you stay safe).
Step 2: Recognise the violence
The person doing harm (or community) needs to recognise and admit that they are responsible for specific violence.
Questions:
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What violence do you want the person doing harm to take responsibility for?
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What words do you use to describe this?
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What words do you expect the person doing harm to use to describe this? Do they need to be the same as yours?
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How important is it to you that the person doing harm can think about this on their own (or with an ally)? Is it okay if they accept your version of the harm and your words?
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What is your bottom-line on what they need to name?
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Could you see getting to Step 1 and Step 2 as success if you got no further?
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How will you feel if you can’t reach Step 2?
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What could result from failing to reach Step 2?
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Would there be consequences for the person doing harm if they don’t reach Step 2?
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What will those consequences be? Would you tell them the consequences? Who and how would you tell them safely and effectively? Would you actually carry out those consequences? What are possible effects if you carry them out? What are possible effects if you don’t?
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Are there other concerns if Step 2 isn’t reached? Think of safety, increases in their violence or ability to carry out violence, other possible results? How can you and others be safe? (See How do you stay safe).
Step 3: Recognise the consequences of violence without excuses
This is a much higher level of responsibility. The person knows all the people and groups their violence has affected and how it has affected them.
Questions:
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Who has experienced harm from violence caused by the person doing harm?
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What are the harms? Short-term and long-term? What are the effects of the harm?
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What words do you and others who were harmed use to describe this?
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What words do you expect the person doing harm to use to describe this?
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Do they need to be the same as the words you and others use?
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What kinds of excuses has the person doing harm used? What do they need to stop using?
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What is the bottom-line on what they need to name as consequences of their violence?
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Could you see getting to Steps 1, 2 and 3 as success if you got no further?
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How will you feel if you can’t reach Step 3?
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What could result from failing to reach Step 3?
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Would there be consequences for the person doing harm if they don’t reach Step 3?
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What will those consequences be? Would you tell them the consequences? Who and how would you tell them safely and effectively? Would you actually carry out those consequences? What are possible effects if you carry them out? What are possible effects if you don’t?
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Are there other concerns if Step 3 isn’t reached? Think of safety, increases in their violence or ability to carry out violence, other possible results? How can you and others be safe? (See How do you stay safe).
Step 4: Make repairs for the harm
Making repairs is offering money, services and other things that contribute to repairing the harm. It isn’t just the things that can be done cheaply and quickly, repairs are sincere and take effort. See the Staircase of harm for examples of repairs.
Repairs may not make up for the harm done. But they are real and symbolic attempts to improve the lives of those who have been harmed.
Questions:
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Think about the harms that you, others and the community have experienced. What could the person doing harm do towards repairing that harm? (money, services, apologies)
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Look at the list of repairs in the Staircase of harm. Do any fit your situation? What could be offered?
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How important is it to you that the person doing harm come up with the repairs? Do you want them to respond to your request for specific repairs? Do you want to respond to their offer of specific repairs? Do you want a process where you make a request and they make an offer and you then try to agree together?
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Are any parts of the repairs to be public? For example, would one of the repairs be a public statement or apology? If so, what would be important for you to make public? To who?
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You can’t force someone to be sincere. Would a response that does everything you ask but isn’t sincere be okay?
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What is the least repair that would feel like success to you? Be specific—how much and for how long?
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What is your bottom-line on what the person doing harm offers in repairs?
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How will you feel if you can’t get to Step 4?
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What could result from failing to reach Step 4?
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Would there be consequences for the person doing harm if they don’t reach Step 4?
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What will those consequences be? Would you tell them the consequences? Who and how would you tell them safely and effectively? Would you actually carry out those consequences? What are possible effects if you carry them out? What are possible effects if you don’t?
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Are there other concerns if Step 4 isn’t reached? Think of safety, increases in their violence or ability to carry out violence, other possible results? How can you and others be safe? (See How do you stay safe).
Steps 5 and 6 are more abstract, life-long processes that are hard to make specific requests for. If you don’t know the person doing harm well and don’t plan to stay connected with them, think about stopping at Step 4.
Step 5: Change harmful attitudes and behaviours so that violence isn’t repeated
The person needs motivation, long-term commitment and support for Steps 5 and 6. If you are in a close relationship with the person doing harm, Step 5 may be important to you.
Questions:
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What attitudes and behaviours do you want changed? (These may be the ones you listed in Step 1)
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What would new, positive attitudes and behaviours be?
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How can you say this so they understand what you’re asking for? Try to ask for specific behaviours that show what you want
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How will you know if they get to Step 5?
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How will you feel if the person doing harm doesn’t reach Step 5?
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Would there be consequences for the person doing harm if they don’t reach Step 5?
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What will those consequences be? Would you tell them the consequences? Who and how would you tell them safely and effectively? Would you actually carry out those consequences? What are possible effects if you carry them out? What are possible effects if you don’t?
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Are there other concerns if Step 5 is not reached? Think of safety, increases in their violence or ability to carry out violence, other possible results? How can you and others be safe? (See How do you stay safe).
Step 6: Become a healthy member of the community
At some point, efforts to stay accountable may shift to being a healthy and respectful partner, family member, friend, co-worker, neighbour and community member.
Someone who has been able to take accountability may be able to support someone else causing harm.
It is probably unrealistic to ask for this level of accountability, but it might become a personal goal for the person. It may be a goal that every member of a community sets for themselves.
Questions:
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How can Step 6 be a healthy goal for everyone in the intervention—not only the person doing harm, but the person harmed, allies, and other community members?
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What does that mean? What does it look like?
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What can you do now towards this goal?
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How can the things you’ve learned and achieved in Steps 1 to 5 be used to help others with accountability?
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Can you share your story of success with others as an example?
Self-reflection and practice for allies, Practice Questions
Being an ally supporting the process of taking accountability can be challenging. These are self-reflection tools that might help allies.
Self-reflection 1: How can I deal with my discomfort with conflict?
Sometimes we don’t want to get involved. We know that harm is being done, but out of discomfort, lack of confidence or wanting to avoid conflict, we say things to ourselves like:
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Who am I to judge?
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We haven’t heard the other side
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It’s not that big a deal
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I don’t know all the details, so I can’t say anything
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They’ll work it out in their own time
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They won’t be able to handle the confrontation, I don’t think they’re ready, I think they need a lot of support before they’ll be ready
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I already talked with the person doing harm, I don’t see how bringing it up again will make a difference
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Maybe this isn’t a good time
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It was a bad day, it’s not a pattern, it’s not my place to say anything
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I’m too busy and tired to deal with this, people need to sort their own lives out.
If you notice these thoughts, ask yourself:
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Am I thinking these thoughts to avoid conflict?
If so, think about your way of dealing with conflict and see if you can make a change. Can you ask others for help so it isn’t just you? -
Am I stressed out and need to step back and take a rest?
If so, take a moment to reflect, take a break, or find support to care for yourself. If you think you need more than a short break, let the group know. -
Do I still have questions about what happened that are holding me back?
If so, let the group know and talk to others in the group to see if you can get the answers. Others might have questions too, or you might have to get used to not knowing the whole story. -
Am I feeling so unsure that I cannot play my role in a good way?
If so, let the group know and figure out a better role. -
Am I thinking this way because someone treated me like this too, and no-one did anything to help?
If so, you might want to take some time to think about what you’re feeling, and whether you want to do something about it.
Self-reflection 2: How can I separate care from making excuses?
Anger, disgust, sadness and fear are normal reactions to violence and can motivate us to get involved. But support for accountability requires care, understanding and willingness to connect with the person doing harm.
There is a fine line between care and understanding on one side, and making excuses for violence on the other. Supporting the person doing harm might mean listening to their pain, fear and maybe even their blame of others, and trying to see their side of the story, while at the same time being clear that what they did wasn’t okay.
It can be hard to see challenges to violence as caring. These questions can help:
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What positive connection do we have?
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How is my support in the process of taking accountability a gift to the person doing harm, even if it is hard?
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How is this work a gift to me, even if it is hard?
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What is healthy and strong about the person doing harm?
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What values show they can change?
Practice: What do I say to the person doing harm?
You can practise saying things to someone else so you’ll remember what to say when you’re with person causing harm.
Face another team member. While looking at each other, have one person read each phrase from the list, and the other repeat it. Use a normal speaking voice. You’re not angry, bored or threatened. Come up with your own phrases to help.
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I care about you
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I’m not rejecting you
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I want you to have good relationships in your life
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I want to understand how you’re feeling
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I want to support you to change your behaviour
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I want to support you to try new things that might work better
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I want to understand what this is like for you
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How are you doing?
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I think you’re blaming the process right now so that you don’t have to talk about what’s hard. Is it possible that’s true?
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I don’t think this kind of behaviour is ever acceptable. How could you express what is important to you in a non-violent way? (or non-controlling, non-abusive, etc)
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I know it can be hard to say what’s really going on for you
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Please lower your voice
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Do you need to take a break?
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I’m sorry this is so hard
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I’m sure things can get better even though they’re hard now
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Let’s slow down
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What might that be like for the other person?
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Why do you want to make a different choice next time?
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What are you scared of losing?
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I hear you focusing on the other person and their faults again
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What are you responsible for in this situation?
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How do you want me to share what I think with you?
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I need a break
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What is one thing you can do this week that feels like a move in a good direction?
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Let’s hang out again, let’s talk again.
If there are conversations you’re worried about, like how to bring up what you know about what they’re doing, talk to others in your group about it. Brainstorm easy, helpful things you can say. Make sure that you understand what is wrong with their behaviour, especially if it isn’t physically violent.
Remember that you might not be able to convince them that they’re doing anything wrong, but you can be clear that you see what’s happening, and it isn’t okay with you.
Breaking through defensiveness. Guiding questions for the person doing harm
If you are the person being asked to take accountability, the process can be hard. You are probably facing people who feel angry. You may feel alone in a sea of accusation.
It’s easy to feel defensive, to try to protect yourself by thinking things like:
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It’s none of their business
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They weren’t there, they have no idea what they’re talking about
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Who are they to judge?
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What about my side of the story? I think I’m the victim
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I can’t handle being blamed, I’m going to do whatever I can to get out of this
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This is all someone else’s fault!
You might attack people with words or actions. You might feel furious when you find out that people are talking about you, or that your friends or loved ones are sharing things you think should be private. You might want to withdraw, build your own camp of supporters, or use violence to get back at them.
This may be scary and new. You don’t know what’s going to happen next. Fear, confusion, anger and defensiveness are understandable.
It takes courage to slow down and realise you aren’t going to die or be destroyed.
These questions are to help you think through this. They are meant to break through your defensiveness so that you can face this challenge and learn from it.
This is a good time to get together with someone who supports you, but doesn’t agree with or excuse your violence. Find someone who can support you and challenge you at the same time (see Who can help for help finding good support).
Ask yourself:
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When I’m feeling angry or defensive, I tell myself this story about why people are talking to me or confronting me about violence…
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Is there a more useful story I can tell myself (about why they are talking to me)?
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Can I imagine myself as someone who can listen to what is being said without getting defensive? What is that person like? When are times that I have been like this?
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Can I imagine what it’s like to be treated the way I treated the person harmed? When I imagine what it’s like to be on the other end of my harmful behaviours and actions, I see…
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Do I want to change? Do I want to have relationships that are more equal and less abusive?
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What can I share with the people confronting me so that they know me better and I can feel connected to them instead of rejected?
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Without blaming anyone else, can I share what is hard for me about this?
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Without trying to control what people do, can I share what I am scared will happen? Can I share what I hope will happen?
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Without denying the harm I’ve caused, can I share something I have done well that shows I am more than my abusive behaviour and I can do better?
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What kind of help do I want? Who can help me be the person I want to be? Who might make it harder for me to change?
Preparing for direct communication. Affirmations and guided questions for the person doing harm
If you are the person causing harm, this tool can help you prepare for meeting with the person you harmed, their representatives or community allies.
It includes affirmations to help settle you, and guiding questions to help you prepare.
There are 4 steps that can be repeated over time and done separately depending upon what discussions are coming up. You can add or use your own words to make this more meaningful for you.
Step 1: I believe
I will remind myself of the following messages. Thinking about them can bring me some calm and peace going into a challenging situation:
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I am a good person
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Like everyone, I am imperfect. I have hurt someone. I am strong enough to admit it and be better
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I am stronger when I acknowledge both my strengths and my weaknesses
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I can listen to how I affect people without interrupting, even when I don’t agree
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I have the strength to open my mind to another person’s way of thinking
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My behaviour has harmed people, but I am more than that. It only has power over me if I don’t own it
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Even when people are upset with me, I know that others see some of my strengths and good intentions
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I am strong enough to understand others even if they are different from me
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I trust that I will be strong enough to let you tell your story and understand that your story is real to you
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I trust that I will be strong enough to stay calm even if my story is not accepted or is questioned.
Which three of these statements mean the most to you? Do they help you feel more calm and open-minded? Are there other words that work better for you?
Step 2: I can listen
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I can listen to try to understand: if I notice myself thinking about what is wrong with what I am hearing, or wanting to defend myself or to attack, I will remind myself to stop and listen
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Even if I have heard all of the things said before, I will listen with openness and see if I hear anything different
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I will relax and see what happens if I add what is said to my understanding of what happened. It will not erase what I think or believe. It will add to it.
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After I listen, I can take time to think about what was said. I can ask for support to do this. I can use these questions to help me:
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How has hearing their experience of me changed my story or feeling about what happened?
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From what I have heard, what is it that has affected them the most?
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What 1-2 things are most important to them?
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What struck me as most ‘real’ in what they said?
Step 3. Make true attempts at repair
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I am strong enough to admit the harm I have caused
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I am wise enough to see the effect of my harm and understand who it hurt, even if I didn’t mean it to
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I am honourable enough to apologise for everything I have done without making excuses
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I can offer my apology as a gift, expecting nothing in return
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I understand that repairs will take effort. Apologies are important and are the first step in making repairs
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I will take time and get help from my allies if I need it to think of things I can offer for repairs
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I understand that my idea of repairs and the requests from __________ may be different. We will be able to find a solution
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I understand that nothing I do can fully make up for the harm. Things were taken away that cannot be given back
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Making repairs is an important step towards healthy change.
When being honest with yourself, what are three things you can admit about your role in this situation?
Step 4: Change my attitudes and behaviours over time
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I commit to deep changes in my attitudes and behaviours so that I will not repeat my harmful behaviours
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I will stay connected to people, things, places and activities that support these changes, including:
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People:
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Things:
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Places:
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Activities:
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Other:
-
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I commit to thinking about what attitudes I need to question and change based on what I heard from
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I commit to thinking about behaviours and actions I need to question and change based on what I heard from
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If I am finding it difficult to change or have set-backs, I will do the following things:
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If I commit harm again, I will do the following things:
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If I commit harm again, I expect the following consequences:
What are 2-3 things you do (now or in the past) during stress or conflict that __________ has found challenging (or that are challenging to the situation overall)?
What is one strategy for handling this in the future that you can do?
If you are staying connected to each other, ask yourself this question:
What are two things I’d like us to commit to as bottom-lines for how we behave with each other during future situations of stress and conflict?
Working together Quick Question Guide
These tools use the language of building a team—you might have other ways to describe bringing people together to work towards common goals.
Some questions are: How will the team stay a team? How do you meet? How often? Where? Do you have to meet in one group or can meetings happen in pairs, over the phone, over email? How do we work as a team when there are people who can’t or don’t want to be in the same place at the same time?
Teams can be any size:
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Just you and the website for now—looking for more people to help
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A couple of you helping each other out
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Some supportive members of your whānau
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A group of friends
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Some neighbours
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An organisation, sports club, church, workplace
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A group connected across cities
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A bunch of people connecting in different ways.
Teams can be any form:
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You meet regularly and work together on everything
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One person co-ordinates the team to make sure you are part of the plan—the rest of you do your part but usually by yourselves
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You have a lot of people, but a small group meets regularly to co-ordinate
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You have a team working together, and others have special roles.
Why and when is it helpful to have a group meeting?
When you are building common understandings, goals and strategies. Times to have everyone meet:
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Regular meetings to look at goals and actions, and to support and feedback with each other
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Special meetings for big changes, emergencies or opportunities
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Closure meeting.
Maintaining the group between meetings
The action plan might be carried out with smaller meetings or one-on-ones. People carrying out the action or affected by it should always have support people to meet and check in with regularly even if the larger group doesn’t meet for a while.
This list will help figure out what kind of team you are, who’s in your team, and how often you expect to meet
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Who’s on your team?
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How often do you expect to meet?
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Who needs to be part of regular meetings?
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Is there a smaller group that meets more often? Who? How often? Where? What is their role?
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Are there other people you can count on but who don’t meet regularly?
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Where do you meet?
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What do you need at the meeting (pen and paper, food, drinks, childcare, accessibility)?
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How is an agenda made for the meeting? Who does that?
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What types of decisions mean everyone should meet together?
Team roles Checklist
Working together well requires:
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Ideas about what roles are needed
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Thinking about the skills you each have
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Seeing gaps in what is needed and filling them
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Inviting other people and organisations
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Co-ordinating team members either in group meetings or separate conversations.
This is a list of roles that can help a group work well together. If your team is struggling, you might need to strengthen one of these areas. When looking at this list, think about whether someone is already doing this, if they are right for the role, or if someone needs to be brought into the role. If your team is small, or even just you and this website, this list can still help you think about how you can get what you want from the process without burning out.
Instigator: The one who gets things started
The instigator is the person who starts the process, but they might take on a different role as things get going.
Good people for Instigator:
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Whoever started the process.
Facilitator: The one who holds the process
The facilitator is important in this process. They keep things going by taking care of the process and making sure that the people working on the intervention can be supported by and guided by the tools on this website.
Good people for Facilitator:
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Trusted
-
Knows about but isn’t too close to the situation of violence
-
Level-headed
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Able to see the big picture and keep things moving
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Good memory or way of recording things.
Co-ordinator: The glue
A co-ordinator makes sure that everyone on the team is on board, working well together, getting the right information and playing their role effectively. The facilitator may do this as well, or someone else.
Good people for Co-ordinator:
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Trusted
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Able to see big picture and keep things moving
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Sensitive to others
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Good at including people, not leaving people out
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Good at working with different people and personalities.
Logistics: Dealing with the details of time and place
There may be one person who makes sure there’s a place to meet, food and drink for the meeting, paper and pens, tissues, and other supplies as needed. The facilitator may do this as well, or someone else.
Good people for Logistics:
-
Responsible
-
Good at details
Note-taker: Keeping the details
It helps to keep track of information about what happened, goals, safety plan, communication sent to or received from the person harmed, person doing harm or others involved in the intervention, and key steps along the way.
Good people for Note-taker:
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Good at details
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Good memory
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Can keep notes in an organised way and in a safe place.
Nurturer: Keeps people feeling good
Violence intervention is hard and exhausting. A nurturer encourages a caring environment and asks you to think about both the tasks to be done and your care for others.
Good people for Nurturer:
-
Trusted person
-
Caring
-
Good boundaries and self-care.
Reality checker: Keeps goals and plans realistic
Goals and timelines that aren’t met can lead to frustration and burn-out. A reality checker thinks about what is likely and tries to prevent unrealistic expectations.
Good people for Reality checker:
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Has good understanding of the people and the situation
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Can bring people back to reality without losing the higher aims
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Gets real without being too negative.
Communicator: Makes sure you are listening to each other, checking in and following up
The communicator makes sure people share information within a reasonable amount of time and have good follow up. The facilitator may do this as well, or someone else.
Good people for Communicator:
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Trusted
-
Understands that different people give and receive information differently
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Has good follow up.
Vision-keeper: Helps you keep to your goals and values
A vision-keeper stays focused on your goals and reminds you of them when it gets hard or people are distracted by frustration, hate, revenge or other negative drivers.
Good people for Vision-keeper:
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Visionary
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High ideals.
Cheerleader: Keeps people energised and positive
A cheerleader raises team spirit.
Good people for Cheerleader:
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Enthusiastic
-
Inspirational
Supporter: Supports, stands by and advocates for key people
A healthy team has people supporting the person who was harmed, the person doing harm, children, and other people on the team with hard roles.
A supporter will be looking out for that person, noticing their needs and advocating for them when others aren’t paying attention. They make sure that information is shared, that they are part of making decisions, and that their emotional needs are taken care of.
Good people for Supporter:
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Trusted
-
Caring
-
Able to balance needs of one person with the needs of the group
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Supports individuals without adding to divisions in the group.
Roles checklist:
Do you have people in these roles? Can you work well anyway? Do you need think about how to fill the gaps?
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Facilitator _______________________________________________
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Co-ordinator ____________________________________________
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Logistics ________________________________________________
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Note-taker ______________________________________________
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Nurturer ________________________________________________
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Reality checker __________________________________________
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Communicator __________________________________________
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Vision keeper ___________________________________________
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Cheerleader ____________________________________________
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Supporter for person harmed __________________________
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Supporter for children __________________________________
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Supporter for person doing harm ______________________
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Supporter for other _____________________________________
Add your own:
-
_________________________________________________________
-
_________________________________________________________
Agreements for lasting over time
Keeping teams together is hard. These are some agreements people have used that might help.
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Check in with what people are thinking and feeling about the situation you are working on—make space for confusion, doubts and questions
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When in doubt, ask a question
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Take notes, things get confusing over time (you may want to choose a note-taker)
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Make sure you all understand and agree on your decisions
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Praise efforts and celebrate achievements—celebrating even the small things can take you a long way
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If you can’t make it to a meeting, follow up with someone
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Forgive each other, cut each other slack, and find a way to get necessary steps done
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Make sure steps and goals match what you can actually do
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Make criticisms specific and helpful
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Talking about problems so that you can solve them, not to gossip.
Add your own:
_______________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________
Communication Worksheet
Good communicating can avoid some problems: reminding people of goals and action plans, re-grouping to change the plan, meeting again as a team when things happen or actions don’t go as planned.
Communication when dealing with violence is hard because the details are private and teamwork is informal. Email and social media might not be ideal because of privacy. In-person meetings might be hard because people are busy or spread out.
Emergencies and opportunities will come up. People may need information to make decisions.
These are some guiding questions about how to communicate:
1. Is there one person who directs communication or checks that people know what is going on?
-
The facilitator? Note-taker? A communications person?
-
Someone who has good communication skills:
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Direct and diplomatic
-
Careful and thorough
-
Good judgment
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Enough time and access to phone, internet, etc
-
Good memory for details or takes notes
-
Understands the values, goals, bottom-lines and action plan
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Will inform but not gossip.
-
2. Who gets to know what?
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Think about people or roles. What can they know? What should they know? Are there things they should not know?
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Facilitator
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Person who was harmed
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Person doing harm
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Parents or guardians of affected children
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Everyone involved in the intervention
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Regular team members who are also helping
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Everyone in the community.
-
3. What needs to be shared?
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Goals, bottom-lines and updates
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Action plan and updates
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Action steps taken and results of those actions
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New, unexpected changes, like:
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Risks and safety problems
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New opportunities to take action or involve people
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Big changes in people’s feelings about the intervention or a part of it, time to think and change course
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Big changes in people’s ability to carry out the intervention or a part of it, time to speed up, slow down or change course
-
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Requests for support—emotional, financial, other.
4. What are the safety issues and how do they affect communication? (See How do you stay safe
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Are there risks or dangers to anybody if certain people find out?
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See Risk assessment chart in How do you stay safe
-
-
Are there risks or dangers to the intervention, for example, if certain people find out?
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Are there risks and dangers if the State finds out? Police, schools, mandated reporters, child welfare, immigration?
5. What are the best ways of communicating with people who need to know?
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Think about how easy it is, making sure information is accurate, and communicating in ways that build trust. Different methods may work for different people and situations
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In-person one-on-one?
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In-person meetings?
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Phone calls? Conference calls? Skype?
-
Written notes? If they need to be private, how can you make sure they stay private?
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Emails? List serves? Do these need to be private and protected?
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Social media tools? Do these need to be private and protected?
-
-
Is there a system to share information that will work with your group? For example:
-
Everyone communicates to everyone (if there are very few people)
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One person communicates to everyone and makes sure they get the information they need
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People divide up who they communicate to.
-
-
Unless the person harmed or doing harm have main roles in the intervention, they might drop out of the communication loop. They might feel isolated or worried when they don’t know what’s happening. Who can make sure they get the information they need?
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Person harmed: Do you have agreements on what information is shared with the person harmed, who communicates, how and how often?
-
-
Person doing harm: Do you have agreements on what information is shared with the person doing harm, who communicates, how and how often?
Decision-making types and models
Who makes decisions? How are they made? Do some decisions need to be made as a group, while others can be made by particular people? Are there decisions about things that come up that need to be brought back to the group?
If you are deciding whether to do something, make sure you know that people have time and energy to do it, as well as that they agree with it.
Types of decision-making
1) Collective consensus
2) Executive or steering committee
3) Authority-led (with collective input)
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Survivor-led or survivor-centred
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Group leader agreed on by everyone (because they are trusted, can be neutral or have leadership skills)
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Group leader due to their role in the group or institution (for example, parent or kaumātua, church leader, school principal, Human Resources person).
(There are tools for getting everyone’s involvement at the end of this section that can be used with any decision-making method.)
Consensus
Everyone is part of making decisions. The group needs to trust each other. Guides at the end of this section can help with consensus.
Sometimes the group will agree to a decision when not everyone feels 100% about it. See the Five Finger tool below for ways a group can agree to something without reaching full consensus.
Executive or steering committee
A large group may decide that a smaller team can make decisions, including when to bring something back to the larger group. The large group can decide what needs to be shared with them, and what can be handled by the smaller group.
Group leader
Groups might have an official or unofficial leader who has more say in decisions. Some groups have a leader who makes decisions by themselves, but that doesn’t work well with a community-based model like this one. Even if one person has more power, the rest of the group still needs to have real input and agree with decisions.
A group should decide whether to have a leader. Sometimes, one person will start to take over, maybe because they are more assertive, have more time, are most obviously upset, or maybe they just expect people to do what they think is best. If that happens, it should be discussed openly.
The leader does not have to be the traditional authority in the group. For example, the leader may be someone who is well respected but not necessarily a kaumātua. In an intervention taking place in a workplace, the intervention leader may be a trusted person who is not the boss.
Good leadership skills and characteristics
A leader should be trusted, have good judgment, and listen to everyone affected by the violence and intervention.
The leader should either have a good understanding of interpersonal violence or take time to learn more about violence by talking to the person harmed. They may talk to someone at a local anti-violence group (see resource section [link to resources]). People leading the intervention should read Basics about violence [link to section] and Basics about violence interventions [link to section].
Your group might decide on a ‘survivor-centred’ or ‘survivor-led’ process, where the person who was harmed drives the decisions, because:
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They are the person most affected by the violence
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Interpersonal violence often leaves the person harmed feeling powerless and unconfident. Having leadership and power in the intervention can help re-build confidence
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The group may consider the leadership and self-determination of the person harmed as a primary goal of the intervention.
Tools for making decisions
Five finger approach
Using hand signals makes it easy to see how everyone feels about a decision. It helps stop people with strong opinions from controlling the decision even if they dominate the discussion. It helps includes the opinions of quiet people, even if they didn’t speak up.
Five fingers helps a group make decisions quickly. It is better than voting because ‘majority rules’ can cover over important disagreements. These can show up later as arguing over action steps, splits in the group, breaking confidentiality and so on.
How to use Five Fingers:
Make sure everyone understands the five finger consensus. It will feel awkward at first. After talking about something, the facilitator might ask for a decision—something like, “are we ready to make a decision? Can we see if we have a consensus?"
Everyone holds up their hand to show their opinion:
-
One finger = I strongly agree
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Two fingers = I agree
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Three fingers = I don’t completely agree, but I can go with it
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Four fingers = I don’t like it, but I’ll go along with it. I won’t stop the process
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Five fingers = I feel strongly enough to block this decision
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There may also be a signal for more questions.
If everyone has one to four fingers up, then consensus is reached. If you want a stronger level of consensus (ones and twos), you can ask the threes and fours why they don’t agree. This can lead to more discussion until stronger consensus is reached or the group comes up with better solutions that more people agree with.
If even one person has a five, consensus is blocked. This is a strong stand to take. Your group will need to talk again or come up with other choices that people can agree with. If blocking happens often, the facilitator can help the group figure out what is going on. Has the group ignored some important conflicting opinions? Are there people who can’t work in this team structure?
If anyone has questions, they need to be answered before a decision is made.
Voting
Sometimes, a well-functioning collective can’t get consensus on a decision and will agree that a vote is the only way forward. It is a risk. Voting can over-look conflicts in a group. If people don’t agree with a decision, they might leave, they might take different or conflicting actions, including breaking agreements on confidentially.
When voting, people are asked to raise their hands if they agree. Votes are counted, and usually if more than half agree, a decision is made.
Round-robin
When it is useful to get everyone’s opinion, a round-robin asks everyone to share their opinion, concerns and questions. This gives the group a picture of where everyone is at, where there are agreements and differences, and whether some things haven’t been talked about enough.
Round-robins can help to get to know each other, building trust and better understanding the situation of violence you are responding to. It can be especially helpful when you are setting goals, and when it’s important that everyone is clear about what they think should happen, and can hear and understand other people’s ideas.
How are you doing? End of meeting Guiding Questions
These are good questions to ask at the end of a meeting. They can help keep meetings on track and moving towards your goals.
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Did we meet the goals of the meeting?
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Did the meeting have a good feeling overall?
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Were there disagreements or conflicts? What were they about? (different perspectives, different values, different ways of communicating, conflicting personalities?)
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If there were disagreements or conflicts, were we able to move forward?
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Was there anybody who was controlling, taking over or using up most of the time? Anyone that we didn’t hear from? What can we do about it?
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Did we meet any special needs of the person harmed, person doing harm or others?
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Did the meeting move smoothly (which often means it was facilitated well)? Did it get bogged down, or we weren’t sure what we were doing (which usually means the facilitator needs support)?
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Does anything need to change? What? What is our plan for change?
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What were the achievements (including small ones)? Did we celebrate them?
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Did we end up with clear next steps? What are they?
What are next steps Guiding Questions
You will have tasks from each meeting, phone call, email or discussion. It helps to summarise these at the end to make sure that you remember the next steps, agree on the steps, and have a plan to tackle each one.
To organise the tasks, you can follow these questions:
Note who is involved and who is responsible for each task.
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Will you meet or talk again? When? Where?
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Will you communicate before the next meeting?
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What about?
-
How?
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Who will get in touch with everyone?
-
By when?
-
-
What other ‘homework’ or actions will happen before the next meeting?
What tasks/actions? | By who? | Notes: by when, type of follow up, etc. |
|---|---|---|
Are you ready for the next steps Guiding Questions
To make sure you are prepared as you take the next step in your plan, ask yourself these questions:
-
Do we know what the next step is?
-
What are we about to do?
-
What concrete steps does it involve?
-
Who is going to do what?
-
Do we know why we are doing this?
-
Why are we taking this next step?
-
What do we hope to achieve?
-
What goal is this linked to?
-
Do we know how we want to do the next step?
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How are we taking the next step?
-
Are there any clear ‘dos’ or ‘don’ts’ about how we take the next step?
-
Do we know who is responsible for the next step?
-
Who is responsible overall?
-
Who will get it started?
-
Who else is involved and what are their jobs?
-
Who is the back-up if someone can’t do their part?
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Do we know when the next step should happen?
-
When are we starting the next step?
-
Are there stages to the next step? If so, when do they start?
-
Is there a time by that we want the next step completed by?
-
Do we know about risks and safety-planning (see How do you stay safe)?
-
Do we know about follow up after the next step?
-
When the next step is completed, what happens? Who is responsible?
-
When we complete the next step, what happens after that? What is the next step?
-
Is there anything else important?
How did you do? Thinking back on an action Guiding Questions
When an intervention takes action, it helps to look back at how it went, what you can learn from it, and what you should do in the future.
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Was the action well-planned?
-
Was the plan specific enough?
-
Did the action involve the right people?
-
Did it involve the right number of people? Too many? Too few?
-
Did everyone work together well?
-
If so, what made it go well?
-
If not, why?
-
What can be improved?
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Was the action right for its goal?
-
Were risks and safety planning part of the plan?
-
Did the action go as planned? If not:
-
Why not? How could you do better next time?
-
Were you able to correct for this?
-
Did the action do what it was supposed to do?
-
Yes, no, maybe?
-
How do you know?
-
Do you need more information? What?
-
What did you learn?
-
Positives
-
Negatives
-
Does anything need to change? If so, do you have a good plan for change?
-
Does the action change anything in other parts of the intervention? What?
-
What do you need to share with others? With who?
-
What are the next steps?
How are you doing? Individual self-check Guiding Questions
Checking how you are going at each step is important. The following is a list of guiding questions to ask yourself as individuals.
-
How is what we’re doing related to what is important to me?
-
What do I bring to this?
-
Things that I value or care about
-
Things or people that I know
-
Things I can offer, like transport, cooking, good listener, spaces to meet
-
Other?
-
What are some negatives I need to watch out for?
-
Attitudes (like negativity, impatience, gossip, I sometimes fight with or put people down, I often won’t speak up, I like to rescue people and take over)
-
Ways of communicating that put people off
-
Ways of being in a group that can get in the way, I often want to do it myself
-
This is about ending violence. Did I go through Basics about violence? How can I look through this thoroughly or have someone share it with me?
-
Do I know about the collective goals and action plan? If not, how can I ask for them?
-
This is a team or collective process. How is this for me?
-
What feels good and supportive?
-
What is hard?
-
How am I helping?
-
What am I doing to get in the way?
-
How can I make things better?
-
How have I contributed to the group or moving towards our goals?
-
What else can I do to contribute?
-
Is there anything I have a problem with or disagree with that I need to share with the group? Are there any secrets or things people don’t know that I need to share?
-
What is it?
-
Is it hard to share this? Why?
-
Does it need to be shared? If so, how can I do it in the best way?
-
Who can I go to for support?
-
Is there anything else that is important?
How are you doing? Group self-check Guiding Questions
These are questions to ask along the way to help things go smoothly.
-
Do we have clear goals and bottom-lines? What are they?
-
Are we guided by clear values? What are they?
-
Do we all seem to be on the same page? If not, who is on the same page? Who is not? What can we do to get us all on the same page?
-
Are we working through disagreements and conflicts in a good way?
-
Are we all getting enough support?
-
Are we offering enough support?
-
Are we staying connected with and supporting the person harmed?
-
Are we staying connected with and supporting the person doing harm?
-
Are we taking care of people who need our extra care? (like children and other dependents)
-
Are we doing regular risk assessment and safety planning?
-
Are we moving towards our goals? Do we have an action plan with the right people responsible for each part, job or expectations? Are our timelines reasonable?
-
Are we flexible enough to respond to new opportunities or unexpected roadblocks?
-
Are there things we need to change? What are they?
-
Do we have a good system or plan for change? If not, what changes need to be made?
-
What are the next steps?
How are you doing? Closing an intervention Guiding Questions
Your intervention will end in some way, whether you achieved your goals or not. It’s important to think back on what happened.
These are some questions to ask about the intervention as a whole.
-
How did the intervention go as a whole?
-
How did the group work together?
-
Have our group goals been met? If not all, which ones?
-
Have people’s individual goals been met? If not all, which ones?
-
Has the intervention been guided by the our group values and bottom-lines? Which were particularly followed? Which were not?
-
Did the team work well together?
-
Was there enough/good support?
-
How was the communication?
-
How was the decision-making?
-
Is the group sustainable or able to keep together for long enough to reach its goals?
-
What changes have happened for the group or community? What is good? What is unchanged? What is bad?
-
How is the level of trust?
-
How is the sense of community affected?
-
How was the safety of the community affected? More safe? Less safe?
-
Would we be able to do this again if needed?
-
Are we able to share these lessons with others?
-
Anything else?
-
What changes have happened for the person harmed? What is good? What is unchanged? What is bad?
-
How is the level of trust for others?
-
How did this affect how safe they feel?
-
How did this affect their health (physical, emotional, spiritual, etc)?
-
Did this lead to a feeling of repair from the harm?
-
Did they feel supported—a sense of community?
-
Are we able to share these lessons with others?
-
Anything else?
-
What changes have happened for the person doing harm? What is good? What is unchanged? What is bad?
-
How is the level of trust for others? How much trust is there from others for the person doing harm?
-
How did this affect how safe they feel? How are they affecting the safety of others now?
-
How did this affect their health (physical, emotional, spiritual, etc)? How did this affect the health of people affected by the harm?
-
How do they now understand the harm they caused and its effects on others and themselves?
-
How did this change their harmful attitudes?
-
How did this change their harmful behaviours?
-
Did they receive support for these changes—a sense of community?
-
Are we able to share these lessons with others?
-
Anything else?
-
What changes have happened for others ______________________? What is good? What is unchanged? What is bad? (repeat these question for as many people or groups as needed)
-
How is the level of trust for others?
-
How did this affect how safe they feel?
-
How did this affect their health (physical, emotional, spiritual, etc)?
-
Did this lead to a sense of repair from the harm?
-
Did people feel supported—feel a sense of community?
-
Are we able to share these lessons with others?
-
Anything else?
-
Do we consider this intervention a success?
-
What was successful?
-
What wasn’t successful?
-
Is it overall a success?
Congratulations! Can you share your story (successes and what didn’t work) with others? Think about sharing your story with us [link to contacts]. We would love to hear how your intervention went if you are able to share it, and we’d love to have more local examples on this website.