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Quick Exit

  • 1. Read the Basics section

    Interpersonal violence is complicated.  Many of us don’t really understand it or what to do about it.  Read the Basics about violence section for a clearer picture of what is going on.  The Basics about violence intervention section shares lessons Creative Interventions have learned from responding to violence.

     

    Share this information with others who may be in a situation of violence and need resources to help them work out what to do.

    2. Focus on what and how, beware of why

    It is normal to want to explain away your violence—it was a misunderstanding, an accident, a one-off.  Instead of thinking about why you have hurt someone, think about how you can stop, and what you can do to make it better (or at least not worse). 

    3. Learn from the perspectives of others

    Do your assessment with other trusted people.  You may learn that you only have part of the picture.  You may be able to fill others in on important information.  You may be able to step away from emotions that are confusing.  You may see how you can work better together.  Or you may find out that your differences are so big that you cannot work with each other.

    4. Get help

    Whether you decided to stop your violence yourself or someone else asked you to do something about it, you need help.  It will probably be hard to find someone who will be solid enough to keep you on track, it is unlikely to be a close friend.  If there is a group working on an intervention they might have ideas, also check out Who can help and Resources for organisations that might be able to help.  It will probably be hard to ask for help—getting what you need to stop your violence is an important part of being responsible for your violence.

    5. Look out for danger signs, and get help

    Although all forms of violence can be dangerous, there are some signs to look out for that signal higher degrees of danger:

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    • Availability of guns or other weapons

    • Previous use or history of physical violence

    • Threats to kill yourself or others

    • Choking

    • Use of alcohol or drugs that contribute to violence

    • Times when you feel like you are losing power or control (for example, if your partner is leaving you, or other people are finding out about your violence).

     

    You can take responsibility for reducing the risk by getting rid of weapons, staying away from drugs and alcohol, and finding someone you can call in when things feel hard or out of control.

    6. The person you hurt knows what you did to them

    They are the only person who knows what they experienced and the effect of your violence on them.  You may see it differently.  You might not be ready to hear how you hurt them.  It is a big step to hear their story without making excuses that let you off the hook.  Resist the urge to deny, minimise or blame them for what happened.  Try to hear what they are saying.

    7. Focus on the patterns of abuse or violence

    When your behaviour has been called out, it is common to turn on other people’s behaviour.  This is especially true if you have been involved in a relationship (intimate, family or other) with the person you hurt for a long time.  You may be able to come up with a long list of things they did wrong.  Others may too.  The problem isn’t whether they were a perfect partner, child, parent or friend.  The problem is the harm your behaviour has caused. 

     

    Focus on the unhealthy, mostly one-sided patterns of behaviour that cause serious or repeated harm.

    8. Aim for common understandings

    When working out what happened, people will often come to different conclusions about what happened, including who is more responsible for the harm, who did what, and who is the most harmed.  Reading Basics about violence can help build common understanding about violence and interventions, and what has happened.

     

    People can get confused about who is being harmed and who is causing the harm.   People often want to protect the person who has caused the harm, so they look for reasons why you aren’t to blame, including what the person you hurt did wrong.  They get confused about whether this is simply a bad relationship with equal blame on both sides.  You might be confused about that too.  If this happens, some questions to help are:

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    • Who is more afraid?

    • Who starts the violence?

    • Who ends up getting harmed?

    • Who is usually changing to meet the other’s needs or moods?

    • Who is more vulnerable?

    • Who is using violence for power and control (abusive violence)? Who is using violence to try to be safe in an already violent situation (self-defence)?

    • Who has to win?

    9. Don’t let your friends do your dirty work

    It’s not enough for you to avoid the person you hurt and stop hurting them.  Don’t allow your supporters to hurt them, hassle them, talk trash about them or defend you in ways that cause more harm.  Make sure they understand that doesn’t help you.

    10. Figure out who needs to get what information and for what purpose

    Part of What is going on is gathering and recording information.  Make sure you understand what the person harmed wants shared and with who.  Think about different versions to share for different purposes.

     

    Possible reasons for working out What is going on:

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    • Being clear about what happened

    • Remembering details and sorting out what’s important

    • Getting clear on what you want to do something about and how you want to change

    • Sharing information with those you want to support you in an intervention

    • Avoiding the tendency to deny and minimise violence

    • The person who was harmed naming the harms as preparation for giving to you

    • Naming the harms as a way for you to start taking accountability

    • Recording what happened to share in the future with others who may be at risk of similar harm from you (for example, new partners, friends, employees, etc) or someone else (like the stories on this website).

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Other sections that can help

Tools to work out who can help and who is connected to the situation are in Who can help and How do you work together.  There are also agencies that might have support (see Resources).

 

Tools to help you look at your goals (your own and the groups) are in What do you want.

The tools and how to use them

This topic has information and tools to help figure out what is happening. 

 

If you are in immediate crisis or have less time, start with What is going on Quick Question Guide Document.  If the group wants to do a full assessment at the beginning of an intervention, or when there is more time or people, use What is going on Worksheet.  These tools can be used again in later stages of what might be a long process.

 

A first step of taking responsibility can be writing a statement about the harm you have caused.  Naming the harm Chart and Thinking about a harm statement can help you be specific about what harm happened or is happening, and figure out which details are important for different purposes.

 

What is going on intervention factors at a glance gives more information about what type of violent situation you are in, thoughts on communicating about the situation with others who may get involved, figuring out what strengths and weaknesses the intervention group has, and other things that might be important.

Tools and examples

Real story: I hear yelling in my apartment building?  What is going on?

  • You can use this Quick Question Guide to get started and to take snapshots along the way. This asks some questions to start getting a clear picture of the problem.

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    • What is going on?

    • Who is getting harmed?

    • What kind of harm?

    • Who is doing the harm?

    • What is the effect of this harm?

    • Who knows about what’s going on?

    • What other people or dynamics have helped or made things better?

    • What other people or dynamics have been harmful or made things worse?

    • Any other important things to know?

    • Are there any important changes?

    • What’s the next step?

    example Snapshot using example story 

    This example is based on ‘I hear yelling in my apartment building. What is going on?’ 

     

    For this exercise, the person telling the story has filled out the Quick Question Guide by themselves.  They might also go through it with the two sets of neighbours who shared what they knew about what is going on with Marcos and Maria.

    What is going on?

    Marcos has lived in the building for a while.  Some of us know him but not so well.  Maria moved in about 6 years ago.  Nobody we know in the building knows much about her.  She speaks Spanish and very little English.  From the yelling and the noise reported from different neighbours, we know that there is violence happening.  It seems that this started in the last few months.

    Who is getting harmed?

    Maria seems to be the one getting harmed.  And so is their daughter, although it is not clear if she is directly getting hit.  Their daughter is being harmed by watching this happen and hearing the yelling and insults against her mother.

    What kind of harm?

    There are the kind of fights where there is at least the emotional abuse of yelling.  Things are being thrown, which is physically threatening.  We think this could mean that there is also physical abuse or at least something that could lead to physical abuse.  The reference to the police makes us wonder if there is physical abuse, too.  There is the kind of abuse where the mother is being insulted for not speaking English.  There is harm against the daughter who must witness the yelling, insults and things being thrown around.

    Who is doing the harm?

    The main person doing harm seems to be Marcos.

    What is the effect of this harm?

    I don’t know this family well so I have to guess at some of the effect of this harm right now.  I know that Maria is upset during the times that the yelling is happening.  Their daughter is clearly crying and upset. I know that the effects of violence can go way beyond being upset during times of violence–it can cause a whole cycle of violence for this family.

     

    As a neighbour, I feel upset that this family is experiencing violence.  When I see Maria or their daughter, I think about the violence.  I don’t think that Marcos is benefiting from his violence.  I feel like my own sense of peace is violated by violence in our building.

    Who knows about what’s going on?

    So far, the next door neighbours who first talked about the yelling know.  The people upstairs from Marcos and Maria know, and I know.  I’m not sure who else knows.

    What other people or dynamics have helped or made things better?

    The neighbours who I talked to seemed at least concerned.  Even though we were gossiping and not necessarily talking about doing anything about it yet, this could be positive.  I don’t have a strong relationship with either Marcos or Maria but we have a friendly relationship.  This could be a positive dynamic.  Even though it looks like Marcos is being abusive to both his wife and at least indirectly to his daughter, he also appears to be a loving father, which is another positive dynamic.  He has lived in the building a long time and probably would like to keep his home and keep a friendly relationship with his neighbours, which is another positive dynamic.

    What other people or dynamics have been harmful or made things worse?

    So far, we don’t know much about the situation and what might be negative.  But the fact that Maria seems to be a recent immigrant and we don’t see other family members around makes us wonder if she is isolated.  We wonder about her immigration status, which would definitely make a difference if we decided to call the police.  The police might report her to immigration authorities and the results could be her arrest and her separation from her US born daughter.

    Any other important things to know?

    There is definitely emotional abuse.  And throwing things is a form of physical abuse.  Is there also direct physical abuse?  Has Maria been looking for anybody to help?  Does she want help?  Is Marcos open to get help?  What resources are there for them?  We’re not sure.

    Are there any important changes?

    The most important change that we know of is that some of us have started to notice and talk about what is going on.

    What’s the next step?

    At this point, my neighbours Tom and Grace seem to be concerned enough to take some sort of action if needed.  I feel this way, as well.  But we aren’t sure what to do.  We just let each other know that we would keep each other informed and think about next steps.  We want to try to keep it inside the building and not involve the police because that could make things worse.  This is especially true because we don’t know if Maria is undocumented.  We think that maybe our own actions can stop things at an early stage and at least we have each other for support.

     

    The next step will be to talk to Tom and Grace and share this toolkit with them.  Maybe I’ll just photocopy a couple of pages so they don’t get overwhelmed. 

    • You can use this Worksheet when you have more time or the support of other people.  It can help to identify the key issues of violence, abuse or harm you or someone you are close to are facing or causing.

    • How can you describe the harm that is happening?

    • Who is getting harmed?  In what ways?

    • Who is doing the harm?  In what ways?

    • How long has the harm been going on?

    • Is it happening all of the time?  How often does it happen?  Are there patterns?

    • Has it been getting worse?  More often?  More serious?

    • What has happened, is happening now or could happen in the future?

    • Are there words that best describe it?

    • Are there particular people, things or situations that make it worse?  Or make it better?

    • Have people tried to get help before?  Who?  What kind of help?  What happened?

    • Who knows about the harm that’s happening?

    • What are other important things to know about?

    • Are there some important things you still need to find out?  What are possible next steps for finding out?

    • What else is important to do next?

  • If you are already getting started, at least one person thinks that some sort of violence, abuse, or harm is happening.  You might know that it’s abusive, or it may be a more vague feeling that something is going on.

     

    It can feel uncomfortable or scary to put words to abuse or violence.  You might feel embarrassed, ashamed, guilty or vulnerable.  You may fear that naming the harm will lead to more violence.   Naming the harm is an important step in understanding what’s happening and how to change it.

     

    Can you name the harm?  How would you name it in your own words?  What is important in naming it?

     

    Example: “My power was taken away.” “I violated her boundaries.” “She violated my trust—now I can’t even trust myself.” “I made him feel worthless.” “My community was destroyed—my safe home was turned into somewhere nobody felt safe.”

     

    You can use your own words.  The information in Basics about violence [hyperlink to that section] might help you.

     

    The Naming the harm Chart is another way to think about harms.  It shows that harm can take many forms: emotional; physical; sexual; economic; using family, friends, children and pets; and using systems that marginalise, such as residency status or access to benefits.  It can include threats of harm.

     

    Harm may come from friends, whānau and community members who looked away while violence was happening, who blamed the person harmed or who participated in the harm.

     

    Harms may have been committed in the past.  They may be happening now.  Or the chart can help imagine what could happen in the future.

    Naming the harm Chart

    Use the categories to map the types of harms done.  Examples are given in the chart below as a guide.

     

    The columns are for different forms of harm.

     

    The rows are for the different people harmed, directly or indirectly.  As well as people, it can include workplaces, organisations, sports teams, and so on.

    WHO IS HARMED

    Emotional (name calling, isolation, humiliation, threatening suicide, etc)

    Physical (pushing, slapping, pulling hair, beating, threats to harm, etc)

    Sexual (forced sex unwanted sexual acts, etc)

    Economic (taking money, gambling, preventing from work, etc)

    Family, friends, children & pets (threatening friends, family, children, etc)

    Other (threatening to call WINZ, threatening to ‘out’ someone, etc)

    Name:
    Name:
    Name:
    Name:
    Name:

    Examples of harms

    This is a list of harms that a person might have experienced or caused.  It could be used in a statement of harm, for example starting with: “These are the forms of violence I experienced from you.  You…”

    Emotional
    Physical
    Sexual
    Economic
    Family, Friends Children & Pets
    Other

    - Isolated me

    - Kept friends or family away

    - Humiliated with looks and insults

    - Yelled

    - Tried to control what I did

    - Tried to control what I thought

    - Threatened or hurt my reputation

    - Stalked including constant texting, phone calls

    - Made me nervous all the time, “walking on eggshells”

    • - Physically harmed through pushing, slapping, hitting, punching, pulling hair, choking

    • - Threatened harm

    • - Physically threatened by throwing things or punching walls

    • - Used or threats to use weapons*

    • - Left me in dangerous places or situations

    • - Used or threats to use self-harm or suicide*

    • - Didn’t let me sleep

    • - Drove dangerously

    • - Made unwanted sexual looks or actions

    • - Created an unsafe sexual environment

    • - Forced sex

    • - Forced unwanted types of sex

    • - Forced me to have sex with others

    • - Exposed me to unwanted pornography

    • - Withheld money

    • - Took away money

    • - Destroyed property or valuables

    • - Didn’t give me enough money to survive

    • - Threatened my job

    • - Didn’t allow me to work

    • - Forced me to work unfairly

    • - Gambled or used credit cards recklessly

    • - Harmed or threats to harm family, friends or others

    • - Harmed or threats to harm children

    • - Harmed others in front of children

    • - Caused fear in children

    • - Caused children to devalue or disrespect me

    • - Threatened to take custody of children

    • - Threatened to kidnap children

    • - Harmed or threats to harm pets

    • - Called or threats to call WINZ

    • - Refused to support residency status

    • - Threatened to “out” me to others as lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans* or questioning

    • - Forced me to participate in unwanted acts such as stealing, violence against others, etc

    Weapons and threats of suicide mean serious danger.  Danger increases when a person doing harm feels a loss of power or control.  That can mean more serious types and levels of harm.  Threats of suicide aren’t necessarily a form of harm, but threats to commit suicide or harm oneself can be used to manipulate and to control others—for example, ‘If you leave me I will kill myself.’  For more, see Basics about violence.

    Example: Harm from friends, whānau or community

    This is a list of ways that friends, whānau or community members added to the harm.  It could be used in a statement of harm, for example starting with: “I wish I could have gotten help and support from you, but instead you…”

    Emotional
    Physical
    Sexual
    Economic
    Family, Friends Children & Pets
    Other

    - Did not believe stories of harm

    - Insulted or humiliated me for asking for or causing harm

    - Gossiped

    - Minimised the violence

    - Denied that the violence was happening

    - Only supported people in positions of power

    - Criticised me for leaving or wanting to leave

    - Criticised me for staying or wanting to stay

    • - Let the physical harm continue

    • - Pretended not to notice physical harm

    • - Shared information with the person doing harm that put me in more danger

    • - Didn’t allow me to escape or find safety

    • - Tried to get me to minimise the harm

    • - Allowed sexual harm to continue

    • - Made it seem like I wanted the sexual harm

    • - Made it seem like I had a duty to accept sex

    • - Didn’t want to hear about anything sexual

    • - Enjoyed hearing about sexual harm

    • - Didn’t help with affordable resources that might have helped

    • - Let financial reliance on the person doing harm get in the way of helping

    • - Made friends or family turn on me

    • - Didn’t help yourself, friends and family to understand the dynamics of violence

    • - Didn’t help the children with support

    • - Threatened to call WINZ

    • - Didn’t understand how calling the police (or other State systems) could lead to further harm

    • - Told me I should put the person who hurt me first

    • - Told me I should put our family or community reputation first

  • Once you have filled out a What is going on Worksheet and a Naming the harm Chart, you may want to make a simpler harms statement or set of statements.  You can have different statements for different purposes.  It can be good for your emotional health to be clear about what harms were done.  The statement can help other people understand the situation they are responding to.  It may be useful to share with the person doing harm, or you may be that person.  You may want to share it more publicly.

     

    There are some categories of harm statements that might help you think about ways to write them for different purposes and audiences.

    Harms statement for the person who was harmed to write

    For yourself in your own words.  Things that were done and how they hurt you and others.

    Harms statement to share with others helping, possibly as a group

    Includes specific details about what was done, for how long, changes in frequency.  You can also include anything you created when thinking about what is going on (like other worksheets).

    Harms statement for the person harmed to share with the person who harmed them

    Includes specific details about what was done and what you want the person to be accountable for.

    Harms statement for the person doing harm to write

    A first step of taking responsibility can be writing a statement of the harm you caused and who you hurt.  It should be specific, detailed and include the effect of the harm to different people, even if you didn’t mean to hurt them.

    Harms statement for wider community

    This can be used to let people know about the situation of violence and what’s being done to deal with it.  It might be very detailed or general depending on what you think is the best way to share information with the public.

  • Below are some questions to help think about the harm, who you might include in an intervention, your goals or what you want to happen, and connecting people to the goals of this intervention.

    1. How are the people involved in the violence related?

    • Violence by a stranger

    • Violence by a former partner or acquaintance but who you are not connected to now

    • Violence by someone from the same community

    • Violence in an on-going relationship.

    2. What is the timeframe of violence?

    • Pattern from the far past

    • One-off violence from the far past

    • One-off recent violence

    • A pattern of violence or abuse is starting

    • Long-standing pattern of violence

    • Return of violent pattern.

    3. How visible is the violence?

    • Public violence seen by one or more others (violence may happen privately as well)

    • Public and private violence seen or known about by others

    • One-off private violence with no witnesses

    • Pattern of private violence with no witnesses.

    4. How dangerous is the violence?

    • Past use of weapons (guns, knives, poisons, the car, etc) or other highly dangerous violence (choking, violence that caused injuries), gang connections

    • Likelihood of using weapons

    • Access to weapons

    • Threatening to use weapons or highly dangerous violence

    • No history of weapons or dangerous violence, no threats to use weapons or dangerous violence, no access to weapons

    • Past self-harm or suicide attempts

    • Serious concerns about substance abuse or mental illness

    • Position of power (police, local celebrity, community leader, well-respected) or connected to people with power

    • May use violence as pay-back, but no history of weapons or dangerous violence

    • Low risk of more violence as pay-back (eg, because the relationship has ended, someone has left the community, etc).

    5. How is the person harmed involved in the intervention?

    • Leading the intervention

    • Leading, with input from others

    • Highly involved, but with others leading

    • Kept in the loop, but at a distance from the details

    • Little or no involvement in the intervention.

    6. How socially connected is the person doing harm?

    • Has no friends or social connections

    • Substance abuse or mental health get in the way of social connections

    • Has friends but they all support using violence

    • Has friends, but drops them or fights if they challenge them

    • The person harmed is their only connection

    • There are people who the person doing harm respects and listens to, but they aren’t close

    • The person doing harm is close to people they respect and listen to

    • The person doing harm has close relationships with people who can support them to stop violence and use new behaviours; the person doing harm is able to talk about hard things with some people.

    7. Is it likely that community allies will get involved?

    • No connections or community

    • There are connections or community, but they will excuse or support violence

    • One or two people who are connected to the person harmed or doing harm are willing to help

    • No close connections, but part of a wider community (neighbourhood, city, ethnic community) that has some people or an organisation that is willing to help

    • At least one or two strong leaders and a group of people willing to get involved.

    8. Do the person harmed, community allies and the person doing harm share values?

    • No shared values, or opposing values

    • Some overlap of values

    • Significant overlap of values

    • Shared membership in a values-based community (for example, church, community group, political group, etc).

     

    These questions are shown in chart form below.

    Intervention factors at a glance: Type and context of violence

    Relationships between people in violence
    Timeframe of violence
    Visibility of violence
    Danger level of violence

    • - Violence by a stranger

    • - Violence by a former partner or acquaintance but not connected now

    • - Violence by someone from the same community

    • - Violence in an on-going relationship

    • - Pattern from the far past

    • - One off violence from the far past

    • - One-off recent violence

    • - A pattern of violence is starting

    • - Long-standing pattern of violence

    • - Return of violent pattern

    • - Pattern of private violence with no witnesses

    • - One-off private violence with no witnesses

    • - Public and private violence seen or known about by others

    • - Public violence seen by one or more others (violence may be private as well)

    • - Low risk of violence as pay-back

    • - No history or threats of highly dangerous violence

    • - Risk of violence as pay-back, but level of harm likely low

    • - Access to weapons

    • - Serious  concerns about substance abuse or mental illness

    • - Past self-harm or suicide attempts

    • - Past use of weapons or other highly dangerous violence, gang connections

    • - Threatening to use weapons or highly dangerous violence

    Intervention factors at a glance: Level of involvement in an intervention

    Involvement of person harmed
    Social connection of person doing harm
    Likelihood to involve community members
    Likelihood of working together

    • - Person harmed is leading

    • - Person harmed is highly involved but others are leading

    • - Person harmed is in the loop but at a distance from the details

    • - Person harmed is not involved

    • - Has no friends or social connections

    • - Substance abuse or mental health get in the way of social connections

    • - Has friends but they all support using violence

    • - Has friends but drops them or fights if they challenge them

    • - The person harmed  is their only connection

    • - There are people they respect, even if not close

    • - Is close with people they respect and listen to

    • - Is close with people who can support them to stop violence and use new behaviours; can talk about hard things with some people

    • - No good connections or community

    • - One or two people connected to the person harmed or doing harm are willing to help

    • - No close connections but wider community has people or an organisation willing to help

    • - At least one or two strong leaders and a group of connected people willing to get involved

    • - No shared values (or opposing values)

    • - Some overlap of values

    • - Significant overlap of values

    • - Shared membership in a values-based community (for example, church, community group, political group, etc)

What is going on?

What is this topic about?

Taking the time to look around and think about what is happening.  The focus is slightly different at each phase.

Why is it important?

It is especially important when you are in crisis to take this time.  Building your understanding of the situation helps when you are starting an intervention and thinking about what you can do.  You may need to keep checking what is happening and how it is changing.

Piecing together the big picture

Understanding what is going on means thinking about what you know about the situation as well as what others know.

 

Sharing information gives you a fuller picture of what is going on.  Each person may describe and understand the situation in an entirely different way.  The person you hurt probably understands what happened, and the effects, very differently from you.

Highlighting the important bits

Interpersonal violence is often confusing.  Stories can be complicated because they usually involve close, long-term relationships, mixed emotions, many people and the way that violence unfolds in many ways.  Figuring out what is going on can be hard.  The first time you hear what the person you hurt experienced, you may feel tempted to correct their version, to explain away your behaviour or even to blame them for it.  The person you hurt understands the effects of your behaviour better than anyone.

Sharing information without constant rehashing

It is easier for people to help when they know what is going on.  They may want to be included in working out what is going on.  They may want details about the violence.  Most will want some information to decide if and how they want to get involved.  Good information will also help make better decisions about what to do.  This may be hard for you.  You will not be able to control the story. 

  • Getting clear on the details by answering the questions in the Quick Question Guide or Worksheets can lead to actions that will address the problem.  Recording these details in some way can help others understand the important points of the situation without anyone having to repeat the story.

    Key Questions

    • What is going on?

    • What kind of violence or abuse has happened or is happening?

    • Who is getting harmed?

    • Who is doing the harming?

    • What can be done?

    • How dangerous is your behaviour?

  • Keep checking the situation.  Things might look different after you start.  Changing events and people may affect what’s going on.

     

    Check what is happening before you take action.

    Key Questions

    • What happened since last time?

    • What changed?

    • What new barriers are there?

    • What new opportunities are there?

    • What do you need to do next?

    • How dangerous is your behaviour now?

  • What has changed?  Be clear about what you have achieved and what you have left to do.

    Key Questions

    • What events have happened since the beginning of the intervention?

    • What changes have resulted?

    • Did you do what you could?

    • How dangerous is your behaviour now?

  • As the person doing harm, you can have an important role in this process.

     

    It is common for people doing harm to create a story that lets them off the hook through denying, minimising (downplaying or excusing their violence) and blaming the person they hurt for the harm they caused.  People doing harm often try to justify their violence, or to convince others to ignore it.

     

    We urge you to be open to the experience of the person harmed and to those carrying out this intervention.  This may feel threatening at times, but understanding the harm you have caused can lead to positive change for you and people you care about. 

     

    You won’t be able to help this intervention if you can’t face up to what is going on and the effects of your behaviour.  It will take time to be honest with yourself.  Check out the taking accountability  topic, look at the staircase of change, read Surviving and doing sexual harm.  You have a lot to do, that should be your focus.  Don’t get caught up in trying to control what anyone else is doing.

     

    Take a breath, make your way through these tools and find people who can support you to be honest and take accountability.

    About the person harmed

    The person who was hurt is usually the best person to understand what has happened and the effects of the violence.  The harm might be subtle or hidden.  It may have developed over a period of time, beginning with small abuses that became a pattern of abuse.  Even a single violent incident can give the message that it can always happen again. 

     

    You may not see this.  Each blow-up might seem like a one-off to you.  You may not recognise your behaviour as threatening or controlling.  You might think the person you hurt is being over-sensitive or dramatic.  But they know the effect of your behaviour, and they may know what you are doing better than you can admit to yourself.

     

    The person you hurt may also minimise or deny your violence to protect you, your relationship or their dignity.  Their understanding may change.

     

    It is likely that the person who was harmed will be asked to repeat what happened over and over.  They may be questioned, they may be blamed.  You can help by owning up to your harm, and by stopping your ‘supporters’ from contributing to it.

     

    This first step of working out what is going on is important.  It is a chance to record what needs to be known so that no-one needs to repeat it each time.  The tools in this topic can help with a process that is thorough to avoid people having to do it again.

     

    ‘Survivor-centred’ anti-violence organisations focus only on the experience of the person who has been harmed.  This toolkit allows for other perspectives.  But the understanding of the person who was harmed is unique and always important.  The group responding to your violence may decide that their understanding is central or the only one that counts.  For more on ‘survivor centred’ decision-making, see How do you work together.

    About community allies

    A community ally (whanaunga, friend, neighbour, co-worker, community member) may see other important things that are going on.  It may be important for your ally to gather information from this first topic so they can support the intervention.

    About the facilitator

    This toolkit works best with a facilitator.  They may be a friend, whanaunga or community member.  They may be a helpful professional or someone working in an organisation who is willing to work with the values and approach behind this model.

     

    This is a unique approach to dealing with violence and may be unfamiliar to people used to working with violence.  It may even be against their policies.  Share this website with people you might want as a facilitator and see if they are comfortable with this approach.

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